Almost Divorced

My husband and I of almost 6 yrs are in the process of getting a divorce.  He is so full of anger and rage (one of the reasons for the divorce) and thinks it is all my fault.  His theory is that once I move out, his anger will go away.  Here is my concern, we have a beautiful 3 yr old daughter who is very affectionate with me, but not so much him.  I can feel his anger and frustration rising out of him and filling the air.  We have had many talks about this and how his anger greatly effects his relationship with his daughter and that if he doesn't find peace within himself, he will never find happiness in life - much less have a good relationship with his daughter.  He keeps telling me that he understands, yet he has done nothing to change.  If his anger was only aimed at me then I wouldn't care because I am learning after many years of his verbal and emotional abuse to heal myself and am beginning to rebuild my spirit and soul.  Part of that is owning my part in it, which I have done.  My daughter, however is completely innocent and does not have the emotional resources or maturity to be able to do that - nor should she have to.  He called her an ingrate last night and I don't even remember what prompted him to do that, but it doesn't even matter.  There is absolutely no circumstance in which a father should call his 3 yr old daughter an ingrate.  When I told him he should never say that to her he had the nerve to start yelling at me and then called me the 'b' word under his breath (in front of her of course) and told me I had some big b*** for saying anything to him.  His justification for it was that she doesn't know what the word means.  I don't know what to do.  She has told me that she is afraid of him because he yells.  We are planning on having joint custody and I'm afraid to send her off with him for a couple of reasons - I don't want to worry about her the whole time she's with him and I don't know how he will treat her if she does something to make him mad.  It's no secret that children will test our patience on a regular basis.  I believe that life will always be challenging, but if you aren't willing to look to yourself first for the answers then most likely you'll never get anywhere and the problems will never go away.  I know I am not responsible for his behavior, but as her mother I feel it is my job to protect and to be her voice when she doesn't have one.  I am so worried about this that I can't sleep or eat.  I certainly can't discuss this with him - I've tried a thousand times and got nowhere - and now that his anger is really at the surface I don't want to flare it up even more.  Does anyone have any advice as to how I can approace a person who is very anger?  He does have a therapist so I am going to put a call into her on Monday and see if she can help.  I'm also going to see if I can make it that he is required to take an anger management class in the divorce decree - which was something that I wanted him to do a long time ago, but his therapist said that was going to work with him on it as opposed to going to the actual class.  It is very difficult for me to be around him; I am the one who believes in growing as a person, self reflection, self improvement, etc. and he believes it's everyone around him who needs to change and it's their responsibility to make him happy and fulfill his needs.  As you can imagine it is beyond frusterating.

Thanks for listening and I appreciate your advice.


nayebo nayebo
31-35, F
6 Responses Aug 12, 2007

Maybe he is angry with himself, because he doesn't have the resources to change and make you stay. He is angry because you know he needs help, and that makes him feel inferior, not good enough for you. He gets so blind when he is angry that he doesn't think straight. He probable has a good heart because, for some reason you falled for him. Good people also do bad things . Let him know you understand that, respect him, but you don't have to be there for him, he'll have to change to be able to have a future healthy relationship with his daughter and any one else, for this matter.<br />
I believe that you can have his therapist give a letter of advice to the judge.

That is a very difficult situation. I hope that the situation improves...I wonder how things are for you by this time? I wish you much wisdom and patience. Good luck.

I have been seeking help and supposedly so has he - except for the fact that he rarely goes. We have made the choice to get divorced - I will no longer be responsible for his anger and I can not be the one to 'fix it'. He has always been the 'victim' for everything in his life and still to this day will not be held accountable for any of his actions. He doesn't understand that in order to change the behavior you first have to acknowledge it. He wants other people to change their behavior and therefore his 'bad' behavior will miracously become 'good'. It's sad in a way, because we all know that he will never be at peace or happy. The world doesn't revolve around him and it's so very ego-centric to think the world will change themselves in order for him to be happy and anger free. Pathetic really.

If he really thinks you are the reason for his anger than he should be glad to see you go. Aparently he doesn't want that, or he wouldn't have called your Dad.He just wants you to continue to put up with it, you have hard choices to make, and the welfare of a child to consider. Good Luck and seek professional help where you can.

A few months ago he called my dad for advice - he wanted to know what to do to avoid losing me. The first thing my dad told him to do was to get into an anger management class. In typical fashion my husband said 'you're right, I'll do it'. Then he talked to his therapist and she told him that anger management was geared more for people who have gotten physical with their partners and he wouldn't 'fit in' there. She said that together she and he would work on it. That sound great in theory except for the fact that he doesn't see her as often as he needs to and really doesn't believe he has an anger issue. He thinks I am responsible for his anger - that it is my job to fix it. I am going to call his therapist and see what I can do. I have no idea what else to do...

Wow, I think his anger should be an issue in the divorce, I 'd be scared to leave a child with a person that angry also, has he tried to get help? I hope the courts work with you on this. Good Luck