for An Embarassing Reason
i want to take drum lessons. i practice playing the quitar everyday. i want to learn how to skateboard. i read different kinds of books. i study my lessons in advance. i want to join workshops. i want to get my hands on every lesson i have my eyes on until i have learned anything there is. and i know there's nothing that can stop me.
very aware, i admit that im not that talented. so there's this feeling that i have to strive and carve myself to be better.1/3 of my reason is,yes, i desperately want to improve myself. blah blah. the rest is the humiliating part (which i realized i while ago) is because i want to stand out among everyone else. i get dissappinted if i lose or whenever people dont pay attention on the things i do. this makes me more determined to strive harder. i hate the feeling of being left out and i crave so badly for compliments. i sometimes look at myself as a trying-hard-fame-climber. for a sudden, i feel so selfish but there's this satisfying feeling that overflows whenever i learn something or i get ahead of others. probably the next lesson i need to learn is to be humble and stop the crave-for-compliments attitude.