Tired of Waiting to Fall

I am tired of looking over my shoulder.  Looking for somebody who might try and hurt me.  Tired of looking over my shoulder, waiting for someone to save me.  This life has been rough for me.  We are dealt the cards before we are born.  We do not choose our hands, only how we choose to play them.  I cannot count how many times I have had to get up and dust myself off.....and each time it gets harder and harder.  I go DAYS without saying a WORD to anyone, except the people I work with.  It hurts, and I cry (even in public, becasue I just do not care anymore).  Loneliness is the WORST feeling in the world, and when you have severe depression, it just adds to it.  Nobody to fall back on, nobody to turn to, nowhere to run.  Sometimes I feel locked in my mind.  **sigh**
Luna4806 Luna4806
26-30, F
4 Responses Jun 3, 2007

this is my story but reading it here let me realize something...<br />
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I'm alone because my emotions push those close to me away... <br />
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:)was i born a runt?was i born a runt?was i born a runt?was i born a runt?was i born a runt?was i born a runt?(:

Hello,<br />
<br />
I cried reading your story. It seems almost duplicate to mines. Generally, I am an easy going person that can socialize. However, I am 31 years old now, no boyfriend and want a child. I have seen all of my friends grow up and get married and have kids and they no longer can hang out with me, nevermind to call me. This has been going on for the past 5 years. And every year it gets harder. Recently, I had a male friend who I thought I could trust, hang up the phone on me b/c I got mad at him for not telling me that he works 2 jobs. Now, he won't even take my phone calls. I know it's something about me. I want to change but I don't know if there is any such thing as to change so I can have a guy who at least respects me and will give me a family. Or even a good friend that will appreciate my friendship. Or is there ever such a thing?

How much of a good thing this is I can't say but I could've written this word for word. I am so monumentally tired of being afraid. Tired of trying to please. There can be one million people in a room with me and it only makes me acutely aware of how alone I truly am. Once I had fight, associates tell me "you are the toughest person I know, you've come through far worse then this". Yes, I have and I no sooner pick me up, dust me off and try again when I am blindsided. Knocked out, always by someone I trusted, cared for, went the extra mile for. After all of this time one would think I'd see that punch coming but I never do. I am like the blow up clown with the stupid smile painted on its' face. I keep coming up for yet another punch only this time the clown has a hole in it, the air is going and I just don't want to get up any more.

Hey i know this sounds really corny but i just registered to this site because i read what you put. Um pretty much i feel sad because my girl friends leaving to another country to USA for some stupid record label that will never work out...i felt the exact way you did or do,feeling like everyones always knocking me down,that after her i dont want anyone else because theyll hurt me too.anyway enuff said about me, im heartbroken someone, and pretty as you(in the pic) can be this sad and not find someone to talk to...most of the time i find myself not getting the most out of my days as far as talking to other people but when i seen ur picture after reading ur story, i cant help myself not to ask you this,i have no idea how this site works or who you are, i dont need to know who you are but, id really like to talk to you at the end of ur day if your still finding yourself being lonely because your picture reminds me way to much of someone else and i cant just not do anything...i dont want to be creepy i dont care if you dont tell me anything personal or anything at all, all i wanna do is be there if no one else is. thanks for reading, My names Josh