Always the Friend, Seldom Happy.

The humming has started agiain. It reminds me of the opening scene of slumdog millionaire. Well, just the music. Good film that.
I connected with someone today. I don’t think it was special, nor specific. But I want it to be. I crave, so badly, for the affection of someone. To be looked at like I used to, by a few women.
Its funny, the phase one goes through. At first it was sexual frustration. Then asexual numbness. Then, like a hammer to the ol’ blood pumper, someone would connect. Always attractive. Always funny. And always giving someone else the look I so desire. Their faces have blended together, the women, that is. It’s the connection I remember. When my unique humour connects (which is basically my big wet security blanket, without which I would have no self esteem).
Today was fun. It went quickly. I grapple and claw at hope of more. But, of course, it wont eventuate. Im sure we will be friends. Slowly, but surely, I will see her once a week, then maybe every two weeks, until special occasions and birthdays raise nothing more than a ‘hey, hows life’ pique of interest.
A part of me still holds on though.
One of my other chick friends (I know what im talking about) deflated me, which is why I should never have handed her the pin. The girl I “connected” with today is, apparently seeing someone. I bet he is an mysterious, chiselled, funny ****.
I’m just there. Good for a laugh. Nice enough. No challenges. No hurdles. Nothing.
Now im just a self pitying **** wit. People have died this week. A lot of people have died. Fire, despair. What right do I have?
Why am I so obsessed with the idea of chaos? I don’t believe in god, nor do I ever want to believe in any god. People died, fire. He would be a bigger **** than the handsome faceless guy that always gets the girls. My girls. Even if they never were.
I will get a job. I will explore and experience this city.
School will probably be ok, but not socially.
Maybe I should join some group for rock climbing, or something active.
I will never be depressed. I put up the illusion of being to proud, to well.
I will miss home. Friends, of which one cares (chick friends aren’t bad in the long run).
**** it, I am sexually frustrated. This is ridiculous. I am in my early 20’s. I don’t have any major deformities. Im cooler than %70 of the people I know. What the ****?
Maybe I need to connect with ugly, boring, parasitic women. The subservient type. Although that does contradict the term “connect”.
**** im a hypocrite. I lambast beautiful funny women for going after beautiful men, when I, myself am not beautiful and still hold myself above average looking women.
Actually no, mez was pretty average. But she was ******* fun.
Butters was average, ******* fun (albeit subservient)
Naomi was beautiful, best body, ever. I will not top that. She wasn’t fun. And I only ever regret dumping her whenever I am **** in hand and flushing the toilet (the only moment of clarity in a mans life).
What the **** is right with me?
 

HarryMinusSally HarryMinusSally
22-25
Feb 13, 2009