I've Changed. But Not For The Good.

Before I was the type of person that would never do anything right. I had nothing to hide from my parents or friends and I hate good grades and loved school and loved everyone. It was about 2 months ago that I changed. Shortly after I started eighth grade. I turned into someone I don't like. I started drinking and dipping. I just wanted to be the bad child and have everyone be like "I wish I had her life". A couple weeks ago my dad was downstairs watching Dr. Phil and it was about girls my age that hid in their rooms at night and avoided their family. They began sneeking out, having sex, and drinking. My dad asked if I did that and I told him that since we live in the middle of nowhere there was really no place to go. At my mom's it's the exact opposite. I've filled my mom with so many lies. She found out about the dipping (She caught me) and the drinking I thought was pretty obvious. On the weekends that I'm at her house I go to a guys and hang out with my boyfriend and two or three of his friends. We usually get high. But yesterday she caught me. I fell asleep in my boyfriend's friend's bed with him and my mom called to come pick me up at then elementary school that was near by. I missed the call and she kind of had an idea of where the house is so she started driving over there. One of our friends was smoking weed outside and she got mad and kept asking, "Are these the kind of people you want to hang out with?" And I shamefully said yes.

I became so full of hate and anger. Even if I do take my pills, I hate everyone. In a way I've matured because I don't care if people don't like me. It's their loss. Not mine. I started getting in fights at school, not caring about the rules and not following the rules. I was addicted to getting in trouble and getting caught. For the longest time I just wanted to grow up so that I could leave and go out on my own and things would no longer be illegal.

I would do anything to make myself like like a badass. Giving myself tattoos with ink and needles and cutting my fingers and just doing bad and unhealthy things. I even got gauges. (I'm at a size 6, going to a 4 soon) I started listening to hate music (Five Finger Death Punch) I even have a playlist on my phone named "F****** P*****"

I thought I was living the high life and that I was the bomb and I just never wanted to grow up and I wanted to live like this for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure why I keep using past tense because I still am that way. I guess I'm kind of going through a time of identity loss. I don't know who Emily is anymore. But what I know now is, I'm forever young. <3

gymnast4l gymnast4l
Dec 9, 2012