I Am An Addict.

I went to a meeting. An A.A. meeting. I cryed, I talked, and I cryed some more. I'm still ******* crying. I just don't know how to do this. I want to be sober, but, I also want to get high. I want to be able to hold a job for more then four months. I want to be able to know how to handle when Im sad, lonley, pissed off. But, I still really want to get high. I just don't know what to do. My drug intake is increasing, and I know it will keep increasing until I get help or until I hit bottom again. I'm so scared. I am, so ******* scared. One day life is going good, things seem to be in the norm, and the next day I am a total reack. I just cryed for an hour on the phone to one of my friends. He was a great support, but, I would much rather have been laughing and not having this issue. I get free pills from one of my dudes, he told me today that I will be having a full script soon. I don't want to do it. I don't. But I can't find it in me to say no. I say to myself,  I really dont want to be doing this. But in the back of my mind, Im screaming YES! I'm going to be flying. I can't wait. I'm so excited right now. I'm so sick of it! I am so sick, so sick, of wanting this. I feel so stuck. And I don't know how to get unstuck. Yea, I could go to rehab, but if I miss one single thursday of work crew I go to jail. So what the **** do I do? This is the times when I most want to get high, is when I am the most sick of it. The most overwelmed and fed up. I don't know how to deal with it in a different way. I started drinking and drugging when I was 13. Since then, I've always had my drugs to relie on for a release. I never learned how, or what to do when I'm sad. I never learned what I should do when I get pissed off. And it's even harder because I have sever abandomment issues. I have depression, and I have major anger problems. I am bi polar. With a mild case of OCD. Everytime I have felt emotional, i have always numbed it. So what the **** do I do after five years of numbing? I don't want to hit bottom again. I know it will be even harder. I don't want to go back to that place. PLEASE! I just want something else then this life. I feel like screaming. I am so full of rage, and I don't know where to put it. God damn, I couldn't even collect a 24 hour chip. I need to get high.

VictemOfSuicide VictemOfSuicide
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 10, 2010

like someone can be cured of addicton in few months<br />
in my personal opinion = denial

Yea, that was a while ago, sorta. I went, two times, and I'm not sure which time I wrote this. Anyways, I'm doing fine now. Not really sober, just smoking pot and drinking occasionally. But, life is starting to pick up. This was just one of those bumps-in-the-road.

if u can get help just go to Rehab,, its better than doin nothing,, i ve been a addict & still but im fighting everyday ,, try to quit for 3 or 4 months in rehab & u ll see that your addiction is to escape reality , anxiety & anger or loneliness, not for getting high,,,,,,,, Now u r not seeing clearly but in 4 months u will trust me,, take advantage of the few moments of clear mind that u have each once & a while & throw your self in Rehab & dont ever regret it,,, dont waist your life,,if u r saying u reached the bottom i tell u (NO) ,, things will get worse if u did nothing & just starting staring like audiance,, there r things beyond the bottom trust me,,, save your life before its too late