Adulthood Damage From Having a Smother Mother

       I stand here at age 30, healthy, sane and without shady life activities. I can cook healthy meals, get dressed, go to school, etc. Other parents wouldn't see me as being frail, unhealthy, at risk or worthy of being wrapped in wool. Feelings of dread are experienced when my cell phone says, "last call from...." and my mother's name pops up. The past will come back... I think, as my heart sinks. My mom may be visiting me. Why is this such a big deal?

      I have lots of kudos for parents who care, because there are parents who don't care for their kids.  When the care is too much smothering,prologned over years, and unreasonable for an adult child, it becomes debilitating. The messaged accrue over time, and somewhere within me, I just may hear her say, "are you sure you can do this?" as I close myself off from all sorts of challenges out of fear. I could have gone to dental school. "Are you sure you can handle the tough course load? I don't think you can".  Things become dangerous, activities become dangerous, exclusions from peers, when life can be enjoyed and challenges embraced. Psychotherapy itself doesn't fight mom's anxiety embedded in my psyche, and I'm feeling increased resentment towards this upbringing which appears pretty in the public, "your mom sacrifices a lot for you. Listen to her". It differs from what really goes on- my mom's loneliness, enmeshed lifestyle, and her desire to keep me a child forever in an unhealthy sense. Where I move to, she has to buy property . Is that GREAT? no- it damages a child FOR LIFE! hear me out public!

Mail from mom is filled with article clippings of crime in the area. I mentioned casually that I will be taking a trip, and instantly she mails me stuff: mosquito repelent, guide books, phrase guides, health recommendations. Things I've already done and thought about using my adult brain, as most healthy adults should. "Bikes are dangerous. don't ride your bike". "I'll pay for...." "You need some eye cream. You're getting fine lines around your eyes". A deep sigh, as if it's a life long illness. It's the high blood pressure when I've been sick as normal healthy adults get once in a while with the stomach bug. It's her squirming posture when she sees me hold a kitchen knife to julienne carrots. It's her hand in public, primping me- my hair, the stain on a shirt, or placing it on my leg that taps sometimes. Her telling me how to talk to contractors and movers when I can come up with my own scripts.  I get angry and brush her off, she reminds me of how I'm tied to her for life, and how dependent she is on me, and the strings pull tighter with the next purchase such as a cup of coffee. "Thanks for the coffee, mom". "Remember not to forsake me". The voice mail messages that go on about how something is unsafe and I should avoid it. I'm smothered, and at times as evil as it may seem, I envision a life free from my mom. I feel peaceful at that thought of her being gone.

If society can learn something from my story, it's that "smothering does no good". It created an adult in the image of my own mother who had a harder time coping with general life's minor scrapes and cuts . I became anxious of things and activities people around here do without my thoughts such as riding a bike, hiking in wild dense terrain, swimming in a lake, tackling textbooks of difficult coursework, holding a job and keeping my home organized. The sensitivity cast me as a recluse, an introvert less likely to trust others , un resilient piece of plastic, fear of close female friends for fear that they will be as needy. Mom's anxiety ridden smother comments rest in my head: "I will help" she says my whole life and my thoughts subconsciously does a bad translation, "I need help because I can't do this, I heard it all my life".

My origins in life as a humble zygote began with a lonely, depressed, naive mother who needed someone apart from a loser husband. "I had you because I needed a life purpose.I wanted your dad to change". Dad didn't change- moral number two: have children for very good logical reasons. Single mother hood when the strings were tightened around me during my development when peers played tumble at playgrounds, slid down waterslides, swam laps. I was hearing mom's messages and held so tight in cotton I couldn't move in life.  I had minimal friends, no social life and just being mom's "toy" to console her- the "mini-me" to dress and primp.

What is the future for the bleak story I just poured out to you? It may be a learning experience for others who grew up similarly and struggle as a result. I've come up with a provisional solution to all this nonsense. Mom will not change, and assertive dialogues would damage her fragile ego to get her ranting again and I'll have to listen to her gunny sack me with past hurts over the last 30 years.  (bad plan) plan two: distance myself from her, spend no more than a week together over holidays. Be very careful with all information I disclose by keeping 95 percent of it to myself, and revealing only what is necessary to sustain a moderate relationship. White lies have been a necessity to get the distance and privacy I need in order to stay sane. Plan 3 is my life long project to be entirely different from her in every way. I will not be a mother and I WILL NOT BE MY MOTHER!

smartiecats smartiecats
74 Responses Jun 14, 2008

The only thing I've learned from my parents are: Even disgusting people can have children. And the big sad psychological dilemma is, as a child you'll naturally classify any adult around as "right", as "competent", as "they know what they're doing," which we learn when we're older, are sometimes absolutely untrue. But by that time they've so deeply ingrained their sense of norm in us it becomes difficult to break away, even when we logically recognize how pathological or abnormal they are. I can offer no advice as I'm still dealing with this **** myself.
Sometimes the scariest thing are parents who raise you and don't let you starve, but refuse to let you live a normal life. I sometimes wondered if having neglectful parents who do not care about me but let me live my own life, is better. I think so, though of course I cannot say for certain. Don't think anyone can.

Sounds like you need to cut all ties to her. Move and don't tell her where. Change your phone number, get an unlisted number and don't tell her the number. Change your email and return her letters unopened, marked "no such person."

Omg do we have the same mom lol. Unfortunately my mom went one step further and put me on ssi disability for BPD at 21, and convinced them that she had to control the money i get from being on disability. Im now 27 and have been to 9 diff mental health treatment centers becuz my mom uses her control over my disability money to threaten me into going to them, becuz no matter how im doing i will always be "very unstable" to her. I hate her yet i cant get away from living with her cuz again she thinks im not "stable enuff" to move out n live on my own. I hate myself and feel i will not succeed in life at all. Does any of this ring true to you??

Sounds like so many mothers you are describing the impact of an asperger mother. who can't see her child or her needs. many neglect them. others try to overcompensate for their disorder by doing too much. Check it out Aspergers in women... HUGE impact on their children from this invisible disorder that the public do not see. 40% of women so not uncommon and yes once you know what you are dealing with really is a disability NOT a personality you will also find more healing.

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Wow! You must know my mother. She is 85, I am 54.I am the only child. "I'm a mother" and "I'm helping" are her mantras. If I don't agree or take her advice or willingly accept her criticism, she huffs and puffs, and the tears come, and the "don't talk to me because you're an ungrateful child" guilt is poured all over me like syrup on a waffle. She is getting even more emotionally volatile with age, and says that she knows I talk about her behind her back, and if others only knew how I treated her, and that I'm such a mean person (started when I was 3 yrs. old according to her!!), and that counselors told she and my late father to cut me out of their lives 3 times when I was in my late teens - early 20's (because I had maxed out 2 credit cards and was financially irresponsible. I admit that, but don't think I was the only child to do that.), but they didn't, so I owe her. My husband passed away June 30, 2014. She told me she isn't grieving for the loss of my husband because he was mean to her (too) and using us for our money (we have little of that, so just another irrational statement, and invalidating my grief for the loss of my husband. Love those "two-fer" zingers!). My counselor, family members, and friends have told me to find her an apt. as her words and behavior is starting to scare me at times. I could write a novel, but I'll stop now. You get the picture.

I can understand and relate to the story. As a Native American it is learned behavior to have family constantly around. As far as viewing a woman as sacred and dominant, I have found that it has caused damage. I cannot even be in a relationship without my mother constantly saying "don't touch him, don't be too attracted to him cause he might leave you, "do not be intimate with him" or it will show you that you cannot do anything in life but lay in bed for a man. These teachings are viewed as how to conduct yourself as an independent woman. Now that I am single, I still do not feel independent because I am still in a relationship which is my mother. She says I can do it on my own, but I had to sacrifice my daughter's happiness so that I can viewed as a real independent woman. It does not help that my own relationship is not working, and hearing my mom say "I told you so". I constantly live with doubt and fear. When I feel alone I am desperately trying to find who I can leech onto, and hope that it is anyone besides my own mother. My brother and I have grown so close that we fear getting to know other people. Even if we did we have had bad experiences of our mother knocking on that person's door demanding to leave us along because of some sort of alleged influence others may have on us. My views of being an independent woman who has received a degree is starting to make me give up slowly. Now I cannot help but to think when and how I can leave my mother and run free and do all the things a woman is not supposed to do. Again I constantly live and fear of what my mother will say or think of me. I cannot live my own life, and having a daughter only adds to the fear of being called an unfit mother. She has tried to threaten to call social services and has gotten the police involved because I was not listening to her, or she would scream who am I and who is influencing me? It is sad and hope to use my future master's degree as an opportunity to leave my mom and be the best example for my child.

I could have written this. I am relived I am not the only one. Thank you.

I don't know if this will help you or not but I've come to realize that my mother has Aspergers. There's hardly any information on it in women but I've come to believe that's what it is. She has no idea what privacy or personal space is. This comes across as being excessively nosey. That being said I thought it only applied to me because I was the "child" and so not deserving any privacy. She also can't empathize. Now this is tough one because she's CONSTANTLY to the point of obnoxious wanting to know how you are doing. But you'll need to think hard if she's done something horrible to you when you were at a low point in life. My mother is also always injuring herself. We just called it clumsy... My mother is always sick all the time and has Irritable bowel syndrome. She uses this as a constant cry for attention. She also has obsessive complusive disorder which I've learned goes hand in hand with aspergers due to the excessive anxiety. I can't tell my mother what I think. She's in her 60's now and she's alienated just about everyone who has cared for her and she wouldn't be able to handle it if she believed me. I'm just a dumb kid...

... these stories are sooo sad. But you're right: don't be your mother. On the other hand, don't feel you have to be your anti-mother either; if you feel obliged to be opposite to her in every way, then she's still dictating what you are. Ideally it's best to be yourself. You can have children if YOU want, even though she did.... but you're certainly going to be a very very different mother to them. Good luck, everyone who's posted here.

Interesting post. I'm 30. It was a host of other events that happened within intimate relationships that got me to move to another state. My mother is visiting me every now and then. I didn't thinkanything of it before, and I thought I needed my family around to visit every now and then but now I realise that I don't. I moved because of a broken heart, but I'm thankful for that because I've been able to get a bit of space to myself. Having my mom visit me every now and then has made me realise that I need to put up boundaries and keep things to myself from now on. Every time she would come near me, I would get angry and would respond by just complaining and spilling out all the crap that was going on in my life. In my head I would say "OK, you want to come in, here, have it all." Sometimes I just wish she would leave me alone. She's probably thinking that I'm using her. But now I think it's my own fault for opening up to her. Sad, but yesterday I thought to myself that I hate her. Not to mention my father. I feel that when I was younger I loved him. But when you're constantly rejected and made to supress open ex<x>pression, you just get sick of it and want to close off completely. I used to think that I needed my family around because it's what "you're supposed to do". My mom asked me what my plans were and I said I wanted to move overseas after I've completed a course I deferred a few years ago and she suggested that I settle where I am and to remember that "I have a family". I have a childhood filled with sexual abuse, violence and suppression. I can't stand being told what to do. I hate having to be closed for whatever reason, but for now I'll have to bide my time until I finish this course and just move to the other side of the planet. I feel bad because I'm the eldest and maybe I'm expected to buy them a house and look after them in their older years. After reading some of the comments here, I don't know if there is any way I would ever live with my parents even in their old age. Sorry. I wouldn't be hurt if they died tomorrow. The only thing that would hurt me is not being able to afford funeral costs. Whenever my family is around I feel like I have to put my whole life on hold until they're gone. It's annoying. Work is my life now. It's the only thing that belongs to me that I can control and can get a sense of achievement and independence from. The family I chose comes in the form of supportive online communities, teachers and fellow students, and people that live in the same building as me. They're there but I don't have to deal with invasion of privacy or being told what to do.

I am 33 and have a similar problem. I love my mother, and I enjoy having a close relationship with her. But, any time I attempt to establish boundaries with her, she has a disproportionate emotional reaction. If I don't respond to her copious tears and dramatic statements like "You just think I'm a pain! I know you are very very busy, but I am your mother and worrying is my job!", then she will try being passive aggressive or cold to get her point across.

Today she broke down on the phone and sobbed that she feels she must call me everyday because I could be hurt or dead and no one would know, so she has to check on me all the time. I have a younger brother who also lives alone..funny that she doesn't feel the same overpowering need to call, text, and email him every day and make sure he didn't trip down the stairs in the night.

I try to be understanding, because she didn't have the best upbringing. It's difficult as an adult to look back and remember her discouraging me from trying new things when I was a child, laughing and saying "You wouldn't really do that", or "Why do you want to do that? I don't think you would be happy doing that." This has evolved into her telling me now not to hike or walk anywhere by myself, not to travel alone, not to go to the grocery store at night, etc. It's far beyond normal safety concerns.

In my late teens/early twenties, I moved back home while I was dealing with some medical issues (everything is fine now). My mother got the mail every day, and she would hide my bills, which of course went unpaid. This culminated in her being frustrated with me for buying a new shirt on Christmas Eve, and after yelling at me that I couldn't afford to be buying new clothes, she went to her desk and took my mail she had been hiding, threw it at me, and said "You owe all of this. You should know." and walked away. To this day she claims to have no memory of doing this, but insists that if she did she had a good reason because I wouldn't have been able to handle the stress of bills when I was having medical problems. This incident ruined my credit, it took me about 10 years to build it back up.

I find it's easiest to deal with my mother when I live out of state and I can put some physical distance between us. Unfortunately, right now I'm living pretty close by, and can't afford to move. Take care of yourself. Having a smother mother can be crippling.

Are you my long, lost sister?

Haha, maybe! I'm guessing you are in a similar situation, and I'm sorry to hear that. If you ever need to talk, feel free to send me a message. I think social support networks are important in helping us to maintain our dignity and sanity when dealing with smother mothers/parents.

I am 30 and I am fighting the same problem. I have had problems with asserting my independence since I was 15 and I have always been a very ambitious and academic high achiever. I was never in trouble with the law, drugs, or anything. I was just naturally driven and highly independent by nature which is something my mother is not. She's needy and dependent and I do not understand nor can I tolerate these personality types. I have experienced many career issues thanks to my mother's anxiety programming and in the end I decided to work for myself and my only goal in life is to create value and be an entrepreneur. But because of finances I've spent the last 19 months living with my parents again and it's nearly killed me. In fact, there have been suicidal moments. But I want my own business success more than I care about any silly family relationships that I can see for what they are, wasting precious time on relationships that I can just deal with later on, will get me nowhere fast. I've learnt that the arguments over my mother's invasive and needy behaviour just go around in circles with no positive outcome. Instead I have built up an insanely impenetrable immunity to my mother's personality problems and I react to her with emotionless responses which subdue her and I just won't play. I will be quietly and quickly moving out with no forwarding address @ Christmas. I cannot wait, I count the days and keep my head focused on my exciting business goals. Blood is definitely not always thicker than water.

Omg, this is totally my mother-in-law. She refuses to back off of my husband, his brother, and even their father, constantly sending the message that they are not competent or intelligent enough to take care of themselves, and couldn't possibly know how to take a single step without her there reminding them of how it's done and what to watch out for. It's INCREDIBLY annoying, and she's started doing it to me as well! Reminding me to do things I've already done or already know to do (because hello, I am an adult with a brain), nagging me if she thinks I haven't done something soon enough, questioning the way we do things to make sure we're doing it "right," and treating us all like brain-damaged children. Any time my husband has tried to talk to her about it to get her to just STOP, she gets offended and hurt and makes him feel guilty about it, and then goes right back to doing it again. I feel so guilty because I went from absolutely adoring her to feeling anxiety and anger any time her name shows up on one of our phones, or we see her in person and she starts to ask questions. She cries when we leave to go on vacations, and would probably follow us if we tried to move. I am at my wits end with what to do about this before I completely start despising her!!! I just don't understand how she can rationally believe that other people actually constantly need her input in order to function. How does she not have enough common sense to realize that millions of adult humans function without her on a regular basis, and that I AM A RESPONSIBLE ADULT WHO HAS SURVIVED 28 YEARS SO FAR WITHOUT HER AROUND?!?? Ugh, so frustrated with this!

I have distanced myself from my mother over the years, but in a twenty minute conversation or two hour visit she can still pack in a lot. I have found no easy answer to this situation.

She idolizes my husband and my relationship with him and buys many gifts for us on our anniversaries (as for my birthday, gifts she tells me are re-gifted). I don't share information about my relationship with him. There have been times when things are rocky, too. He and I have attended therapy as a couple and individually. She refuses to see my life as anything other than a fairy tale, while I struggle deeply to embrace realism and recognize both the good and the bad with a level head.

She is loud and clear to all about how much she has done for me, how she would go through fire for me, but behind closed doors it has been a different story. She consented to my stepfather's sexual abuse of me and guilted me for "hurting his feelings" when I made him go away. Basically anything that happened to me under her roof was "good" for me, and anything otherwise was "bad."

I would never allow my mother to live near me, and when she told me she wanted to move up, I considered killing myself. My therapist told me to communicate my feelings to her in any way I could, so I wrote her a letter telling her I never wanted to live near her. She was offended, but her response to me in this and other subjects revealed to me that her motivations toward me are very selfish. Upholding boundaries quickly revealed the self-centered attitudes behind her "love," which makes it even easier to remain separate from her.

I still have a lot of unfinished business with this situation: the grief and longing I have felt lifelong for a truly nurturing mother, the high anxiety I face in my workplace daily (which is like a "family"), my as-yet-unexplained attraction to avoidant personality types, and my deep fear of behaving psychopathically (again) toward others I want to have relationships with.

I found out I have a smother-mother. I'm 55. Left home at 15, came back at 18 to rescue her from an abusive husband/stepfather, afterwards, on my own, never needing $1 buck from her during all this time, even though my single-parent life was difficult for me and my sons, I always got myself out of trouble by working hard, extra jobs, and taking responsibility for me and my two sons, keeping her less informed as possible because I did know she worried a lot. However, I had so much love for my mom, I decided to purchase a home for her to live in and enjoy her life, with me, my dogs, and to leave for my sons. She's 75 and spry. Biggest mistake of my life! She's told the rest of the family she doesn't want me to have anything to do with her funeral because she thinks I'm trying to control her life? That hurt me so badly. She told them that because after purchasing the home, I got laid off, unemployed, found work, but told her "hold off on decorating until I get settled with a job or income."

We've had a LOT of petty arguments trying to adjust to live together - me respecting her as an elderly person, my mother - but mostly she respecting me as an adult who have survived all this time without her.

So she would say, "you hungry?" I would say, "No, I already ate." Not knowing what I ate, she started accusing me of not eating right and being offended because I didn't want to eat (her food). What?? I told her, it's not that, I just ate. "Well, you don't eat right." How do you know that when I'm at work eating a salad? That's the least of the arguments.

She leaves her mail, clothes, trinkets around the house, but when I did, she made nasty comments.

She could shop until her heart's content, but when I bought a pair of underwear, she would balk at, "did you pay the bills first?"

I could not cook on my own stove without her telling me, "grease" on the stove, on the cabinets, on the floor (although I wipe and clean all the time). She'll leave food on the stove, she refuses to eat leftovers, but if I drink a half 16-oz water, she'll never let me live it down (I buy my own water now).

She didn't like my perfume.

She's taking care of my stepfather, her ex-husband, dementia, pees all over the place, but won't let my son, who is an LVN, bathe him, watch him bathe so he won't fall in the tub (he has once), etc.

I was appalled one day as we were driving for quite a distance on a very hot day that she didn't want my stepfather to drink water because he would then need to pee (we sure were because it was hot as hell). I was driving and I told her, it's nothing for me to let him pee if he needed to and I would rather him pee than die from heat stroke. So I ignored her and asked my stepfather, do you want water? If you do, let me know. She got so disgusted with me. After that, I just thought to myself, "You are either an evil person, extremely self-centered, or just really, really stupid." I lost any respect for her I had left. I would never let a person thirst, suffer or die because I'm too lazy to find a restroom to let them relieve themselves.

One of my son's, an LVN, is in a unemployment slump, and he's residing here until he gets on his feet, and she's even denied him food, water. Reminder, I also bought this home for my adult kids to visit or stay until they get on their feet. Now we all mark our food?

Dog hair, dog smell - disgusting? Why is it disgusting? Dogs have hair? They're in the garage by the way, not in the house. The dog hair blows into the house is her complaint.

In having ideas for the house, I told her I wanted a pool and a piano. She snobbed her nose and made her negative comments...irate, by the way.

I gave her the Master bedroom and bathroom because it was just about the size of her senior citizen's apartment and she has a LOT of stuff, but because she's always cold, I'm super hot all the time in the house, so I don't use my bedroom or office, but just work in the garage and enjoy being with my dogs who also live in the garage (American Eskimos - Miniature).

She hates (loathes) MY dogs, but she loves the other family members' dogs (they can come inside my home, but mine can't). She hates that my dogs love me and follow me around like shadows so she tries to take control and stop them. One season when I was not at home, she locked them out of the garage because she thought they should be "active," and the temperature outside was over 100 degrees. I begged her, "Please leave me dogs alone." She would kill them, if I let her.

We haven't decorated, even have curtains on windows - just paper on the windows because we can't decide. I want something that is energy efficient, she doesn't, too expensive, waste of money, blah, blah.

Nagging about me paying bills on time when if my checks are "in the mail," I can only pay them when the money is in. For four years, nothing has ever been shut off, bills have been paid, and all was well - but in her head, she worried, even badmouthing me of not paying bills on time to all the rest of the family.

I got a pest control company because when I tried to get them before, she threw a fit, so I didn't, and then we had bees invading our home for three weeks and I had to sleep with 100s of bees flying inside the house. So, the next time the pest control came, I took them on their offer (I also pest control the house myself). She was so irate, it took her four hours to cease from slamming stuff in the kitchen, talking to herself, and threatening to leave because she thinks "I'm wasting money."

I wanted a security system in the home for her to be safe because there are a lot of home invasions. She went irate about that too.

At first when we argued she always apologized, but not long afterwards, it's got to the point where she tells me to just "shut up, etc." No humbleness whatsoever. No letting me enjoy my first home purchase. Just not going to happen. She's the queen, and I'm her stupid child.

I have a lot of siblings, but none of them have reached out to make sure she's supported in her elderly age (now I see why). I just loved her. I was compassionate because of the violence she experienced as a mother and wife, had 8 children, and still was "caring". Now I know, it's not caring. It's condescending, fear, disrespecting her children, to say the least. My siblings told me just ignore her. Easy to do if you're not living with her.

If I had known my mother was like this before I bought this home to reside with her, I would have never done it. I had a couple of adult sisters who had lived with her and was more upset with her and even verbally abusive towards her and even one was physical with her - and they would vent to me. Not that I didn't believe them, but now I totally see why. She made them that upset where they had to just tell her like it is and use physical force to get her away from them.

I've never called my mother out of her name, put my hands on her in any way, but I have stood my ground verbally as an adult, a single parent, a mother, a friend, a sibling, a freakin' smart educated person, hoping that one day she'll understand that life is hard for everyone, rich or poor, educated or not, and not to degrade anyone, and that I have always handled my business without being a burden to her. Unfortunately, however, she does not see it that way and will never see it that way.

I should have never tried to love her into a home and making sure she's taken care of in her elder years. I'm so sad that one day my mother will burn the house down or because of high blood pressure never wake up and no one will be there to save her because no one wants to be smothered.

I'm either selling the house or keeping it for myself, and another sibling is trying to buy her and my stepdad a house (they don't want them living with them), but I'm outta here. I hope to not hold unforgiveness in my heart, but believe me, I wouldn't be bothered if I never hear from her again. But that's not God's way, right? I think she has a sickness that I understand, and maybe since I understand that, that will count as "forgiveness." As for me, I'm a grown adult and very happy trying to exercise faith and will enjoy my remaining life, no matter how many mistakes I might make AND my mother will never know.

YES! This is the perfect description of my mother! Im fifty years old and the best day of my life was when she died in 2006! Its taken almost seven years to truly get her out of my system! In the first six months after she died I had three nightmares about her, not dreams...nightmares! Each one involved her physically attacking me or someone else! Unless you have grown up with a parentlike this you cannot understand! My mother did everything she could to undermine me and turn people against me...much of it very dirty and underhanded! The most frustrating part is that in public she seemed like the perfect, loving mommy. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said to me, "your mother is so nice, I wish she was my mother, youre so lucky"! At the age of fifty, Im actually beginning to find my true self....something that should have happened whenI was much younger! I could do nothing right, she nitpicked anything I attempted to do on my own....when I got good grades in college she would make comments like, "I dont understand how you get such good grades considering all you have going against you!" I had a letter I wrote printed in a major magazine back in1996 but never told mom about it because I knew she'd say something negative. The best advice I'd give someone with a parent like this is to avoid your toxic parent to preserve your sanity!

ho ho ho! merry smothermas

I have a similar situation. It is very hard because you don't want to hurt her; you're close, but even when you point out unhealthy behavior gently she keeps doing it. It is so damaging.

move away to a different state, change your job, change your phone number and do not tell her if you were sincere.

if you wont then your a trolling 13 year old with teenage menstrual angst

Thank you so much for posting this article. I can totally relate, except I am 56 years old and still fighting to get free of "mommy". I grew up believing my mom is the only person who would ever understand me or be able to help me because her need to rescue and save is so incredibly powerful. As a result, many have been the nights when I would call her to come "save" me when I was experiencing horrible depression and panic. She and my dad would jump in their car and be there in a jiffy. They would bring toast and chocolate milk and drive me around for a while then take me back to their home. I even called them to come rescue me one day when I was at work and didn't have a vehicle. I have never lived more than a couple of miles from them. Recently she has been putting guilt trips on me about always feeling like she had to be there for me and how she and my dad could never have a life because I needed them to be there. I have been in and out of therapy for many years, not only for this, but the abusive man I was married to for 32 years. When a therapist told me years ago to begin to reach out to others instead of my mom, she became hurt and really mad. Now she always refers badly to therapists. She created this neediness in me and now she resents that she always felt she had to be there for me. I have tried talking to her but she doesn't want to see it. She says she does, but it always turns out the same. My dad died two years ago and since then things have really intensified. I want so badly to be free from her, but struggle with feelings of guilt. My brother was able to break free and have his own life and I hear all the time about how he doesn't have time for her and doesn't want her in his life. I also hear that she doesn't know what she would do without me, all manipulation to keep me close. Your article and the responses I have read help me to see that I am not alone in this and I am not crazy. To those who don't understand this, please don't judge unless you've walked in our shoes.

i understand that you have masochist complex. u r 56 and can easily get a job from craigslist and move out of state and change your numbers. just take all your documents and ID stuff the night before u move for ur new job and don't tell your controllers.

since you didn't do the above, YOU LIKED IT AND CHOSE TO LIVE THAT WAY. blame no one.

Run Run Run. I'm 48 and my mother is the exact same as most posts here and hers was the same. My mom employs the passive aggressive guilt trip control maneuver, "I know you are not the least bit interested, but we want to go to the beach if you can house sit b/c all of our friends are gone." My new response, "If you know I;m not the least bit interested, why would you ask?" Of course, I give in and show up when they tell me they are leaving and suddenly they aren't leaving for two days and the control freak show goes on. A two page typed document of how to feed and care for their dogs down to how to scoop the poop! I can only dream of getting a job a million miles away and the day both my parents are gone so I can finally breathe..sans instructions. They've been gone 3 days and I receive a text (email length of course every am from either parent asking if I did "my chores" as outlined, telling me how to spend my day, where I should go shopping even what kind of olive oil I should buy and from exactly what shop. I have two failed marriages and my mother ingratiates herself with ever friend and relationship I have and shares LIES about myself and or my brother (does the same to his wife) and then swoops in for the rescue. She has destroyed every friendship and relationship I have ever had and my friends eventually recognize her tactics and when they call her out or ask her not to call or email them again she unleashes the barrage of narcissistic spew of "if only I she loved me/us, she only wants a close family and they sucker in at first and then realize how wacked the woman is. My Dad does the same even calling my ex husband and drilling him for info and recently I coaught them going through my address book on my laptop and she had emailed herself a copy. I am at my wits end and about to get a restraining order as I have had counseling out the yin yang and yet every time i empoy the tactics I have learned, it only gets worse. I lived in Washington Dc for a while and she called every single day a) to see if I was alive, b) did I have a good day, c) was I in bed? I just took her 15th text today to tell me what to do and to find out what i did, tells me every f'ing detail of their day as if it is a timeline: got up around 7 had a cup of coffee, your father had half a bagel though it wasnt good, the sun came out we walked on the beach, Linda took a nap, she got up, your father went to the store, we went to lunch at.....blah blah blah... I wish I could disappear and run away. I have recently rented a couple rooms in my home to grad students so I can travel and my mother who has visited overnight a total of 10 times (at my request as I live an hour away and can't see the point) starts whining how "since I have room mates, she'll never be allowed to come NOW" Darn tootin' and NEVER is more like it! I hope they are dead long before I am so I can finally have a life of my own. I don't have children and that seems to be her trump card as my brother "is too busy" and of course can't raise their kids, their dog or do anything else right either. Jealous, insecure ***** and every one of her relatives says the exact same thing. I have never asked for anything and always give her and my dad everything I can (European trips, nice electronics, any and everything they have ever asked for of mentioned they wanted and the ***** is never happy. I quit giving gifts last year because she buys us pieces of crap garbage and demands expensive everything. Dad the same. Then they get mad if we don't want the gifts. I guess if I thought the sentiment were for real, it would be different. I won a trip to France and took them one year and spent well over $10000 of my own money to bring them along and they bitched and moaned about everything the entire time, Now, if I even so much as whisper I might be taking a vacation, I get the "wish I was going on a fancy trip guilt served up with a snarl." I hate these people and what they have done to my life, I can only hope I outlive them as I will never have peace and I have changed my phone numbers and moved in the past and she will track me down like a blood hound waiting for her next abusive psycho episode. I don't sleep, I may lose my job as she even started calling my boss (got his number off my phone!!!) to say I was working too hard and too much. To get the heck away from you! Why is there no book for these people to read..forget it, they can't see themselves for what they are so I suppose it would be pointless.

Goodness knows she even began trolling EVERY social media site I have. Made up 17 different user names on Pinterest and FB and Twitter, but too dumb to know I could look up the email address. The woman is sick and strange. She started emailing the people that followed me and some of them copied me on her crazy BS. I was dumbfounded and changed my name, made up new accounts (some are for business) and suddenly she "just had to call my HS BFF and ask how she had been keeping up with me on FB and did she know my username. Michele didn't know any better and told her so I finally even gave up trying to have friends there.

In HS she would throw "surprise parties" for me and invite the people she "thought I should be friends with" and none were my friends. Every friend I did have she had a reason to hate or once even accused one of stealing my brother's shorts and years later when she found them behind the dryer, said she must have hidden them there! (She moved years before this magical appearance) She would force me to wear my grandmother's elastic waist pants and always by me the "off brand" items and herself the top of the line everything. Such a horrible childhood. She'd pick us up from school (if and when she remembered and before I was shipped off to boarding school) and ask "Why dear, Are you a popular girl?" I would answer I had a lot of friends (pres of class, ski club etc...and she'd come the next day or two and make a scene or force me to wear some hideous outfit and if I didn't she'd go ballistic about how ungrateful I was. It almost became a comedy to actually wear the **** so my friends could laugh. When that didn't work, she kept changing my schools. Smothering is a demented form of abuse.

My mom was finally caught in her lies when I recorded her and recently found some emails she had sent (and printed!!!) to my exes. When I called her out, she lied, sad she didn't remember doing that and finally got mad and started crying and two hours later ADMITTED she did every bit of it. CRAZY, I know why people disappear and I'm next!:) Best of luck to all and thanks for letting me vent! (Dad is no saint either...Narc. enabler for the drama mama queen...likely sorry he stuck around but not any better really just a lot more critical so it gives them both a role to play each of us kids off of) Bummer, c'est la vie. cannot wait to sell all and head to France for good. No forwarding address needed!

did you have a bad day at school? go talk to your mom don't make up stories to rant out here.

Birthcanal30in you are not very nice and should keep your snide comments to yourself. Unless you are willing to give constructive, emapathetic, kind advice you should really be quiet. The folks on this forum already have enough to deal with and it's purpose, I will tell you since you seem to not understand, is to release anxiety within a safe environment of "like" people. The last thing they (we) need is more negative, abusive criticism. Thank you and I hope you understand.

Birthcanal30in you are not very nice and should keep your snide comments to yourself. Unless you are willing to give constructive, emapathetic, kind advice you should really be quiet. The folks on this forum already have enough to deal with and it's purpose, I will tell you since you seem to not understand, is to release anxiety within a safe environment of "like" people. The last thing they (we) need is more negative, abusive criticism. Thank you and I hope you understand.

I flagged that remark

1 More Response

<p>Thank you for writing this. I have a smother mother and I feel exactly the same as you! I'm only 20 now, but I have significant anxiety and depression. Even the tinies little thing in my life, such as buying a shirt, can cause my anxiety. I'm not able to study and socialize like my peers do in college because there is always my mother's voice in my head asking me can you do it? Sometimes I feel so smothered that I don't know how to live my life like a normal adult. When I was out of home travelling alone, she called frequently and even asked if she can fly here and meet me. I know she is controlling me, so I told her what I think of her paying too much attention to me and tried to keep a distance from her. But she asked me "have i done something wrong that make you hate me?" and said "please don't go away from me, you'r're the only thing i have""I'm not controlling it's just because i love you". When I tried to be assertive, she almost cried her heart out and looked like she is gonna die from a heart attack. So I just stopped and feel so deffeated and confused. I don't know what to do, but I surely don't want to live under the shadow of my controlling mom. What should I do??</P>

go into service industry, any kind of service goes if your really that much in need of freedom. get that service job arrange a cheap place via craigslist or google or that free lodging thing for travelling ppl, change your number and don't tell ur mom. i feel like u will tell her where ur moving and give her spare keys because you liked the control. ur mom acts out but that doesnt mean you should too.

you already know what to do to get ur freedom and if u keep on staying there then you are really saying with ur actions that "mom please keep me on tight leash i love it lock it and throw away the key" that is the message if you dont throw her out of your life.

I am 66 yrs. old and can relate to your story. I tried to escape by marrying my high school sweetheart and we are married 46 yrs. Not day goes by that my mother doesn't try to keep me in her web. She is 93 and widowed. I know exactly how it feels to be trapped, suffocated, manipulated and loved too much. Very unhealthy. You are still young and very aware of the problem, I wasn't until it was too late to unring the bell. Don't let another day go by without getting help and break the cycle. I have two wonderful grown children and grandchildren and absolutely do not follow the pattern of my mother and never will. Good luck to you and run don't walk to the nearest counselor you can find and get help!!!

I am still struggling with my smother mother and I am 50 and she is 87. I still have a hard time cutting those ties.

It\'s really difficult but you can do it with a good support group and a good therapist

um i know you. you're that girl from math class who was talking about trolling some forum last week.

ur 16, not 66. correcting the typo. there was no husband of 46 years and ur mother is making lunch for you at the moment show some appreciation. see how long u last on the street as a runaway. behave and do your homework when u come back to check messages afterschool ok

1 More Response

Thank you for an insightful article. I can relate to everything that you described with my own smother mother, but then I did have children and became a smother mother myself. It is almost impossible to undo the unconscious childhood conditioning that, in my case, was a result of Disorientated Attachment Disorder.
It took me a lifetime and a career in mental health to understand the dynamics in my childhood family, and by that time it was too late to prevent the damage I caused my own children, and which now I see in their children.
Often these parents are on the spectrum of some level of comorbid Narcissistic PD and Borderline PD and suffered ongoing trauma in their childhoods, often related to family genetic history of unrecognized autism.

Thank you, the names of these conditions are helpful.

Your mother sounds incredibly SICK and enmeshed. I highly recommended you find a good 12 step program or therapist in order to get your life back. I'm not kidding or understating the case. You need to get well and start setting some boundaries NOW. While you have a good understanding of your situation, you are still letting your mom rule your life by not setting good boundaries. 12-step, like CODA or Al Anon, can help.

Hope you are doing ok. I'd really like to know how to live a normal life without fear of being my mother. I may have gone the other way. I have a failed marriange and 2 children with breakdowns.
The fear of being like my mother invades all my interactions with others.
We try to do our best and make the best decisions with the tools we have at the time.
My children will recover, but the pain they have gone through is so hard to bear. I am angry with my mother for suffocating me and trying to keep me as a child.
I now enjoy living a single life. I realise I am attracted to people who are unavailable, as my ex was - he was emotionally unavailable from a very damaged childhood - I think that suited me, because he was distant. However, he became controlling like my mother. As I became more aware, the more I noticed his control and the more controlling he became.
It will be best if I do not have another relationship, I fear being like my mother and damaging others due to her effect on me.
There is a future, I have a large family of friends for whom I am very grateful and we have fun. At 51 it is really time to find myself and stop being afraid.
Thanks for your post which has enabled me to get some thoughts sorted out.

most of you are actually 13-17 btw, i can tell from your attitudes.

I am reading articles such as yours to try to understand the smother-mother. I am madly in love with a 54 year old who still lives with his parents and his mother is the worst so far. She had destroyed every relationship he has ever had with any woman. She is poison! I know that he is in love with me, but what mother says goes and since mother is determined to stop me from becoming too important in his life, she causes the absolute worst kind of dramas to make him dump me. I know I cannot win against her and it is hurting me so much. This man has so much good in him and none of it is allowed to breath. She will make sure he lives with her until she dies and then he will be old and alone. I will never understand this type of mental abuse. Thanks for your story.

yep it was a sad story made up by a emo teenager who made an account on a forum and was bored coz her ballet class got cancelled. more than obvious.

Wow smartiecats,
I understand exactly how you feel. The smothering NEVER is so unhealthy for both the mother and the child. I also feel like the mother wants to live vicariously through the child and try to get the child to accomplish things she did not get to do in her own life. The mother could also PTSD. It is also no matter how much one appreciates their mothers for the sacrifices they do for the is never enough..everything the children do is never enough. There is no such thing called a perfect child
and the mother and the child should learn from each other and have a closer bond. In my case, I have reached out to try to help my mother understand me as I wanting to understand her. However she hardly tries to understand me where i try to give the best of efforts as I can. What more can people like us do? And to those who think that the children who say that their mother is a smotherer and that we are being disrespectful in saying so and ungrateful, try living a day in our lives. And if those haters cannot even picture what we go through, you should not name call for things that you can not even understand.

Thank you.
I have a similar yet different experience with my mother, who I love, but I have become increasingly more angry and resentful of her.
The comments have led to my own self-doubt and ultimately my missed opportunities. But knowing is half the battle. Now I will focus on the future and the possibilities!!
No, I will not die a horrible death or any such nonsense if I TRY something.
Yes, it may be difficult and sometimes gut wrenching to charter new territory in life but I will do it.
So again, THANK YOU! It helped me a lot to read your experience.

the people here who are uncomfortable with, or resentful of their smother mothers are healthier than the type who are happy with the situation. I know a man over 40 who does not actually exist in his own right, so engulfing is his mother. He has "our doctor", "our dentist", "our bank"; he has no friends of his own but trails around after his parents as they go to dinners at their friends houses; he holidays with them - and nobody else - every year; he bought his house from his parents and it is still full of their furniture which he protects because "it's theirs"; the first job he got was at his parents' employer; he spends every 3rd or 4th weekend with them and when not actually in their presence he spends the whole day on the internet with them. He seems perfectly happy with this situation, and seems to think that his mum and dad are the yardstick by which decency is to be measured, all others he finds wanting. It's pitiful to see. I would like to see him stand up and fight against it, but he has no fight in him - he's a sort of shadow of his mother, not really there as a person at all.

i know what you mean ,i had an overly smothering mother too.i felt she was manipulating me
running guilt trips on me,over burden me with house ,(when i was told it ,was team effort.) i was
manipulated into watching children.(baby sitting) had homework,which i never got to finish.
over swamp house work ,never got be around my friends ,away in the house .after a wail
i felt like a social retard,i had no life,and worst of all, i did not finish high school.

To scarlettsky: you are a heartless fool. I bet you go around posting nasty things all the time just to make yourself feel better. People like you are the reason for anxiety disorders, etc. (not to mention suicide) Did you read anything anyone posted, or did you just see one thing you didn't like and open your big mouth? Shame in you for judging others and condemning everyone, well I'm condemning you. I bet you are a pushy, loud mouthed, opinionated smothering person who is angry at the whole world. Do yourself a favor and quit bad mouthing people for talking about abuse in the only method some of them can. Why don't you educate yourself about emotional abuse instead of opening your hole.
You are one of the reasons why the world sucks and people are introverts, to avoid running into a YOU. If you are like, really young and naive of the evil in the world then I take this back. But if you are old and just an angry smothered, why the hell are you on this site? I know people that are just like these people's mothers who just luuuuuvvvv to create drama. Get a life instead of trying to tell other people how to live their own.
Oh, and in case you didn't notice, I don't like you. I've been trying to figure out the past day or two if this (emotional "suffocation"/smothering/overwhelming) is something that actually exists... I think it has kind of become emotional claustrophobia for me as well. Since I was really little (best I can recall, gradual onset), I've had a vomitting phobia, and also panic disorder---though I'm not sure whether that came later or not. I've been in therapy for those things, and also for ADD...but I wonder if feeling emotionally suffocated my whole life by my parents somehow evolved into these things. (ADHD may have been more a cause than an outcome..? Dunno.) I felt suffocated but also distanced/dismissed, in the sense that my parents' concern about me was always more about THEM than about me. Almost like I was being told what I'm supposed to feel... I remember when I was little every time I threw up my mom would be all "what did you eat? Did you wash your hands before dinner? If you don't wash your hands you can get stomach bugs..." or "Maybe you just have a 24-hours bug" "Do you want some ginger ale or something?" ....she was basically ALWAYS there asking questions or acting all... smothering lol.
But somehow when it became a full-blown phobia and was affecting my mental health, it was my problem....
Later on I remember having panic attacks and she'd still be interrogating me about "what happened?" or "what are you so worried about??" "Are you okay??" "Do you want anything?" If I said I felt sick "Did you eat anything funny??" ..LOL.

Also, she pretty much acts this way about everything-- to this day!!
(It's no wonder I used to run and hide in restrooms when I had panic attacks in crowded/public places....just the thought of having to discuss it made it worse.. the suffocation feelings all over again!!)

Some people have mentioned being introverted and I think that contributed to it as well. My parents both seemed to pathologize (implicitly or otherwise) any introverted behaviours I had...a lot of it probably did overlap with ADD (if that is at all what I have now!)-- primarily, the relatively low baseline emotional arousal. I think that alone made me feel overwhelmed a lot by my parents' "imposing" emotions (mostly either concern/worry, or some sort of praise/admiration... or they were just arguing and I was left to wonder why...) nowadays I'm always trying to get away from them-- and people in general, really. The praising/admiring is sickening, really, I even can recall stuff they've videotaped where I almost was like the focus of extended family members' attention (I'm not sure whether that happened intentionally or not, just something that seems to be a trend.) Or they're all talking about how funny/cute I was, or something I was doing.... of course I don't really remember any of this which makes it all the more pathetic to recall the video tapes of it (also, there was a point where they were into showing me these viideotapes.. of myself.. when I was like 1 y/o at my uncle's bday or something... WTF. Later on I started asking them about watching things and my mom would usually say no, because my dad is working, or because she was only showing me those because she was cleaning the living room.. or something (entirely irrelevant to me, which totally makes sense. lol.)

So as far as low emotionality, I think that also meant that if I experienced something like anxiety, it was so unfamiliar to me that it probably reminded me of the "suffocation" feeling (typical panic symptom), and yet it probably also never felt like it was "mine"--- like something must be off because the only other time I've felt suffocated... it wasn't internally (+ the connection to all the smothering vomit experiences!)

It's also probably part of what led to my parents sending me to therapists/psychiatrists who put me on antidepressants
(..that I only stopped taking a few months ago, and I'm 22 now...)

But I figure this is somehow interconnected, because if I start to feel too close to someone emotionally, I actually start to get nauseous. And feel suffocated--- basically a claustrophobia response. Although, someone mentioned having always struggled with same-sex interactions? I have as well, but I really feel like I can't even feel connected to men in the first actually "try" to get to the level I do with women most of the time (meaning, beyond completely detached... haha) just feels really awkward and unnatural to me and so I usually don't bother. Whereas with opposite-sex interactions (which includes most of them) I feel like I always have to be either running away from "neediness" and being "demanded" to want things (like my parents and especially my mom were!) or not even involving myself with anyone I'm attracted to initially... which is kind of difficult if you are attracted to the exact opposite of that- apparent lack of interest... So I end up with this (kinda backwards?) "criteria" of "don't approach any girl you'd actually want to sleep with".. LOL.
(Although... clearly, I am.. 'complicated'? Girls usually like complicated.... well, the part that is "depth", at least. I'm always worried about inadvertently having to "friend zone" girls... god my life's backwards haha...)

Similarly, I don't like being treated like someone wants to "fulfill" my "needs" as validation. I feel weird about "approving" people (that might be an introvert thing, though?)

Obviously... it's easier for me to just not bother much with making effort to socialize. So ironically all of this has made me more introverted and more apathetic than I probably already was before I was taken under an emotional chokehold in my childhood...

I'm not sure how to resolve any of this, but there are kind of two opposing facets here (feeling emotionally disconnected but also smothered.. or potentially smothered/aversive to it) simultaneously that I think need to be addressed. Being either nauseated or automatically drained by the thought of interacting with someone because it feels forced.. that seems unhealthy...

Dear GospelofLife
Your holy bulldust does not amuze me

Dear smarticats,
Your well written story sounds so sad for both you and your mother but, I wonder if your perspective is as complete or, as emotionally honest as you need to be. How about considering exploring the golden rule and silver rule via "forgiveness therapy", as a good place for you to start working on this aspect of the problem? Forgiveness is not easy for any of us but, it may be a good place to start to help you begin to achieve a plan for inner peace on a day by day and moment by moment basis in the way in which you try to be healed and cope in handling things with regards to your imperfect Mom. God love you!

That's my mother too. I can't understand why some parents refuse to see us as grown-ups. It is painful and wrecks your life until you get away. I'm getting away now. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

Your mother sounds like my mother. It's just so painful and sad.

I empathise with your plight and your difficulties. Little enough, indeed, is talked about the smother mother who, with all the best intentions and an open and full heart (and much neediness) all too frequently disables her children in various ways. It sounds to me as if you have made a very clear and sensible decision to protect your autonomy early enough to enable you to build confidence and courage to live your own life. Keep going - and have a wonderful life! :-)

Just continuing from previous post, I have NEVER had a proper relationship with another female in my life! I have never had a female friend/girlfriend. I have never been able to get close to a girl ever in my life. For some reason, there is this mental block inside of me which prevents any girl from ever getting close to me. <br />
<br />
Some girls who had the patience initially eventually got fed up with me and told me that they don't think I am prepared to let a girl close to me. Now being 25 years old and never having had a girlfriend or a close female friend, a part of me strongly thinks that I will never be able to ever have a good relationship with a girl. Because of this, a part of me has sort of given up. These days, even when I find a girl who I like, most of the times I don't bother with her because I know it's not going to work out. So what is the point of even trying. <br />
<br />
Anyway, enough of the rant.

Thanks for this article. My situation is very like this, probably much worse. I hate to say this, and I feel like I am probably going to end up in the deepest part of hell or something, but the thought of my mother being gone from my life makes me feel so relaxed.<br />
<br />
She tries to control each and every single part of my life. Today I came home for a 3 day vacation and have so far spent probably less than an hour talking to her. During this time, she has commented on how my diet habits are not right and I should be a vegetarian, that I should not consume alcohol when I go out with people, about how I should and should not keep my hair, about how facial hair doesn't look good on me, about how it's about time I got married and what kind of girl I should get married to, that I shouldn't put on any more muscle as she likes me the way I am (I am extremely skinny), how I should not consume any diet supplements (she calls them drugs), how my sleeping posture is not right, she woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that I should make the air conditioning colder as she felt it was too hot (I felt absolutely fine), about how I should not be so trusting of my partners in my new start up. <br />
<br />
Then she was telling me about how I should behave in tomorrow's party, what clothes I should wear, that I shouldn't tell people unless asked that I am doing a start up (I quit my banking job recently) as she is partly embarrassed about what people would say that her son quit a fancy job to do some unknown random start up. <br />
<br />
I am probably forgetting a lot of other **** which she commented on in this hour. <br />
<br />
Oh and just in case you guys thought I was 12-13 years old - I am a 25 year old guy!

That was amazing. You described my situation perfectly. Thank you fro writing this

After reading these posts I develop great sympathy for children of smothering mothers. <br />
<br />
My mother is severely narcissitic, so I can relate to the typical traits in a child with NPD parent(s) such as severe self doubt, constant low self esteem, difficulty in trusting others, feeling empty, having a hard time adjusting to social relationships etc. <br />
<br />
The difference though, is that my mother is the ignoring type. In other words my mother's form of punishment for me was to ignore my emotional and physical needs constantly as I was growing up (ex. giving us silent treatment for months making sure I know I am unloved). For the writers above, their mother are the engulfing, smothering type. <br />
<br />
Not to say that I had a great time growing up with a narcissitic parent. My sister and I suffered immensely by her abusive behavior - and our lives are damaged to a certain degree, but I can imagine for the people with engulfing parent, their level of guilt is paramount, when their parents seem to care for them so much. <br />
<br />
For people who think these comments are ungrateful, you think it's easy for these people to post negative comments about their mothers, when their mothers seemingly show so much affection towards them throughout their lives? As they recognize their mothers' pathetic, self absorbed behavior and start the acceptance process, many of them are well into adulthood and already had great difficulty being independent and adjusting to society.<br />
<br />
Friends and family often don't understand them because everyone will just outright think these engulfing mothers are so sacrificial, so god like in 'giving' everything they have for their children. The children are cast as evil and ungrateful when they show even a minor sign of negativity towards their parents, while their sense of self is being slowly, secretly eaten away by their parents' deep rooted selfishness. Since on one understands around them, perhaps the forum is their preferred choice of letting it all out.<br />
<br />
For someone with an ignoring mother (like myself), at least I feel no guilt ignoring her back and have no contact. When someone is abandoned, that person has no need to reciprocate the person who abandoned him/her. And of course, I learned to be independent quite early in my life through not receiving proper parental guidance. I got to choose my own school and career path and developed adequate survival skills in my early adulthood. <br />
<br />
For the children with engulfing parents, their parents will be forever in their face, not able to let go, making every decision for them even when they are grown up and need to be independent. These children feel extremely guilty about detaching from their parents, especially when they think about how much their parents had 'sacrificed' for them with the 'unconditional love'. The reality is that these parents never acknowledged their childrens' emotional needs, let alone letting them develope into healthy independent adults. The parents only care about their own needs.<br />
<br />
These children was merely manipulated so the parent can satisfy their own emotional needs. But when the children realize it, it's often a little late in life when a string of failed relationships had already occured, and their self-esteem is further damaged.<br />
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For the writers above, my heart goes out to you, the good thing is that at least you recognize your parents' true intentions so you can start your healing process. That's a huge first step. It's never too late.

I am 63 years old, a grandfather, and my Obsessive, Narcissistic mother still calls me at home because she is afraid for me because it is raining by my house, or she has not heard from me in two days. Sometimes she pretends to get sick when she wants attention, to the point of twice having useful idiot friends drive her to the hospital pretending to have heart attacks. No woman has ever been good enough for me or my brother. She spreads lies about us at her church even though we support her emotionally and financially. I had to learn to protect myself and my kids from her toxic smothering, her entitlement and her narcissism. I am sorry for you all that have to go through this. Walk away.

I don't have a good job and live with parents who smother me. What do I do?

Mothers in general are not a bad thing. You see, your mothers attitude isn't only towards you, it's towards life in general. She must worry herself sick about all kinds of things, you being one of them. I think there is an option 4 here that could be, "keep a relationship with my mother, find ways to completely ignore (tune out) all things I don't prefer." If you do choose that option, both she and you could grow in unexpected and wonderful ways. Good luck

I literally could have written many of these posts. I'm 38, single and not at all capable of having a healthy intimate relationship. Another person mentioned how she is immediately angry if her boyfriend trys to tell her how he'd do something that she is trying to do because it brings up the feelings of control. I am the same way.<br />
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Today my parents showed up uninvited - AGAIN and my mother banged on my door forever. When I didn't answer, she banged on the windows and then finally just walked in my house. I can't even begin to describe how angry this makes me. I have a very high stress job and I am also in school for my MBA. On my rare days off, I want to destress and be alone. I don't want to listen to her telling how to do everything and what I should have done instead of the way I did it, etc...<br />
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My parents are both alcoholics on top of everything and I can't even begin to drudge up the scarring from all that. <br />
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I have asked them repeatedly to stop dropping in unannounced and they refuse to acknowledge my rights to privacy as a grown adult person. If I don't answer the phone when she calls, she will immediately hang up and call right back. It's ridiculous. <br />
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My mother has no job and if there is no real drama going on, she creates it. For instance, her neighbors are out to get her and they spy on her and do things on purpose to irritate her. As if they have nothing better to do. Some of you might say that this claim could be real. Yes, maybe it could, if this were not the 3rd set of neighbors in that house that she's had and she has accused them all of the same thing.<br />
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I've tried cutting the ties completely but it is a never-ending emotional roller coaster ride and I'm tired of the guilt. I fear that moving thousands of miles away may be my only option. I'm just glad to see there are so many people who truly understand and I don't have to feel like a horrible daughter for feeling this way. <br />
To the people who posted that we should be ashamed, you truly have no idea what it's like. We don't want to hate our mothers, I know I don't. But when someone close to you is mentally ill and they refuse to get help or listen to what they are doing to you, it's hard to keep the empathy after 20 or 30 years of mental abuse. And that is exactly what it is - mental abuse. And until you've experienced it first hand, you should not judge those who are going through it.

Wow- I could have written this! I'm 43 yrs old & realizing the insanity won't stop until she's gone. She is the most unreasonable person on the planet so there's no hope for improvement. Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.......but everything she does is because she "loves" me and my brothers- & her entire family. When my phone rings & it's my mother I cringe. She creates havoc in every relationship she has. My heart goes out to you!!

My parents are divorced and so I move between houses every few days and when I'm not with her she calls to know what I'm doing and who I'm with. I didn't notice anything until I got my license then everytime I missed a call or was doing something she would panic and call me repeatedly until I answer. Yesterday my dad left on a work trip in the two hours between then and when I went to sleep she called 12 times wanting me to come over and to know what I was doing. I don't know what to do without hurting her but as ofright now I wantto stay with my dad.

I totally understand what you are saying. My mother doesnt seem to comprehend how much she lives through me in my life. I am pregnant at the moment and I fear she is trying to make this all about her, like she alomost feels its her child. I am going to have to tell her to back off, but afraid of how she will behave if I do.

I will turn 39 in less than two weeks. I am a only child to parents that had me at 33 & 40. My mom has mental issues that are heritary in her family. My dad almost 79, is a southern man, showed little emotion or affection while I was growing up. I remember thinking when I was younger whether I graduate or got in trouble his face always had the same look. After reading some of the posts my behavior all these years makes sense, and yes I thought I was the only one.<br />
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When I was in elementary school I was told I was no longer allowed to sleep over my friends homes. When I asked why, my dad told me it was because I wouldnt call to say goodnite and my mother worried so much. I vaguely remember this but I know I was just so happy to get away from them and enjoy the little independence even if just overnight. I didnt think that was fair at the time, as being an only child your parents are always focused on you, having me so late in life only added to the problem. <br />
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I moved 1000 miles away partly to get away from them and partly to experience life as an independent adult. However, the damage they bestowed on me had already been done. My mom suffered from anxiety and has passed that and depression onto me. I've been going back and forth about whether to have a child but because I am afraid of the responsibility due to my lack of confidence in myself, I always change my mind. At 39 I'm at a crossroad, I can even say I want to have a child alone because I dont want someone telling me how to handle my child or telling me I'm doing something wrong. Everytime my b/f says if it were me "I'd do it like this.." it ignites within me feelings of being controlled. As if he's trying to control how I do things, like my dad does...<br />
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Every car that I have had, my dad has purchased, my last car he baggered me for years to get rid of because 9 yrs old and starting to have problems but I wanted to hold on to it until I save enough money to buy my own car. All my friends thought I was crazy when I told them my parents wanted to buy me a new car and I refused. I wanted to be sufficient and save and select the type of vehicle I wanted. Finally, after I couldnt take it any more I broke down after 3 years of constant baggering, (he even went as far as telling one of my friends to talk to me about letting him buy me a car) and let him purchase me a brand new car. Because they are retired when they visit they stay 4-5 weeks which is pure hell. A few days after he bought the car I called in to work. His gulit trip started with I buy you a car and this is how you act.. It's as if he did me a favor when I never wanted the car to begin with, everything has strings with him..<br />
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I didnt realize that me being such an introvert had purely to do with my upbringing. I simply thought it was because I was an only child and more comfortable being alone. After reading some of these posts I realize it has more to do with low self-esteem as well as being smothered. I told my dad that as an adult I need to be able to be sufficient, analyze situations and make decisions myself without him always telling me what I should do or how I should do it. It's totally draining to communicate with them, the few friends I do have dont understand why I wont let them help me or buy me things since they always want to and can afford to<br />
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My mother is a Schizophrenic and after years of listening to her talk to herself, and say people did things to her that never happened, I'm a mess, I feel so drained. She's sick enough to need medicine to control her mind, but normal enough to perform daily functions, get dressed, cook and drive herself around. Two years ago she had a severe heart attack that damaged her heart, she refused to take some of the medicine even though her doctors warned her it could cause her death, all because she doesnt believe what they say due to the Schizophrenia. She believes the medicine they are telling her to take will actually cause her death and she refuses to only take some of the medicine. Sometimes I think I never had a chance at a normal emotional life because of the smothering and manipulation. The one friend I do have is just like me an introvert, we see each other a few times a year even though we live less than 15 miles from each other, we usually only talk via email but it works because we're both anti-social.. All the guys I've dated have been emotionally unavailable, I see now it was easy for me to date someone that wasnt going to be around much as having someone in my home or that requires more time than I am will to give makes me want to jump out of the window. <br />
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My parents are now planning on visiting and I have so much anxiety I could scream. I've told them they can only stay 2 weeks and because I say this I am selfish and only care about my friends and should put my parents first but thats ok because they've been saying this for years. I am so unhappy after weeks of them being in my hosue that I've even cried myself to sleep because I just want peace and to have my home and thoughts to myself. I've even planned a trip after the two week mark to ensure my dad wont manipulate the situation and force my hand to stay longer. <br />
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Sorry to write so much but it all seems to be coming together. I've in a relationship of 3 1/2 years with a good man. I just dont know if I can ever have a normal intimate relationship. We only see each other on the weekends due to our work schedules but even with our lack of time together I feel smothered at times. He calls twice a day and in the beginning I was so overwhelmed by his constant calling I didnt know if I could take it. Sometimes even now I want to say lets not see each other this weekend. I avoid relationships with females because they always want to hang out. I even had one female that was trying to be my friend ask if she offended me in some way because I never wanted to go out with her on the weekends to eat or shop. I never understood why I was so different from other females who have lots of friends but I feel overwhelmed when people try to get close to me, irriatied and I feel so much peace when I'm at work or home alone it's totally a serene feeling. It's scary to think at almost 40 I have these internal issues that came from my upbringing and how I've been smothered so much of my life. It makes me wonder what it would be like to be normal to be social to enjoy human interaction.

Wow, I relate with you so much. Because my mom is so controlling of me, anytime someone tries to call often these days, I too get extremely uncomfortable. In fact, if I get 4-5 text messages from someone in a row, I start to feel uncomfortable. I too have never had a normal intimate relationship with someone.

My friends often ask me that how is it that you never seem to go beyond a first or a second date with any girl ever. With every girl I go out, it's the same routine. We meet, we go out on a date but because I fear/hate getting close so much, that I never get beyond a first or a second date. If a girl starts showing interest, it freaks me out.

To the above poster, I am sorry but you clearly cannot understand this situation when you haven't had it. I feel happy for you that you probably had parents who understood. Thank you these posts the rest of you, really helped me relate and realize my situation<br />
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My story is this. I'm 21 and pretty screwed up albeit I've slowly gotten better with each second away I spend away from home, starting with my first move out at 18. When I am at home I cannot do anything without mom overriding it. She will go into my room during the days and look at it. If I don't have my window open she will tell me the next time I see her that I need to open my window for health reasons and she will tell me my room is too messy to live in. If I say it's my decision of whether to open the window or not, she'll yell at me and say stuff like "you just don't want to listen to me? all I do is give you advice and you don't take it". That's just one example. when i cook food I cannot make my own decisions without it getting overrided. Last summer one of the biggest yelling matches came about a situation where i put steak on a pan with butter on the pan, but apparantley she thinks the butter has to sizzle before you put it on. i say i don't care, it tastes the same to me. she doesn't accept it, grabs the pan and next thing you know I'm yelling. When we were younger we used to go out for dinner and she'd instruct us what clothes to wear. If I or we said I want to wear this, she'd freak out and start yelling, numerous times it ended up with her crying in the bedroom like an 8 year old because we didn't listen to her and change our clothes... I **** you not. I came home last summer and was in my room using the internet a lot because I was a social reject and message board goon at that time. A week after I got home she stomps up the stairs and starts yelling at me because she sees it as wrong that someone is in their room instead of outside with people. Back in the day she used to give me guilt trips about NOT drinking and being with friends, calling me a "hermit". Her "friends" (really just people in this town, neither her or dad have real friends from my perspective) would come over once in a blue moon and if I didn't talk with them more than a minute, I'd get ripped for my poor social trying. I went on a trip to Europe when I was 18 and she demanded I wrote literally every single day, which I did because i was on the internet daily due to message board habits anyways. My first year in college she called basically every 2 or 3 days. When I told her to stop that she moved to facebook messaging me every day or other day and then started to get mad at me if I didn't reply... didn't get the point. I blocked her on facebook for a while because when someone in my class posted something on my wall and I didn't reply to it for a day, she had to message me to tell me I was wrong to not reply to her. I was like WTF... i'm not letting you criticize and try to override me on ******* facebook... you're blocked.<br />
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All of these criticisms, overriding, cautionary measures taken to the utter extreme about stuff like going out at night in a city on a holiday or catching a cold, did their damage. I ended up exactly like the smother mother children i've read on the internet. Hugely introverted, no masculinity/grew up extremely slow, no self confidence or esteem at all. I basically no ability to have a conversation until I was 20. When I talked to people I was completley in my head and self doubting everything. It was all unnatural and awkward. Even now I'm maybe 30% as natural as everyone else talking. I don't know what it feels like to be natural with people and to just have the interactions flow easily. Normal people can hang out with friends and family members literally forever. I can't be with someone 5 minutes without not knowing what to say. My entire history has been filled with tension, anxiety and stress around people, no more so than around my parents. I feel like without the developmental history of natural stress free interaction with parents and kids my age growing up, I'm like one of the kids who grew up with wolves and psychologists can't adjust. My trick, and it's still hard as hell, is to play mental games. The one that's worked the best is I tell myself that all the people looking at me love me and believe in me, as opposed to are on the verge of criticism and negative thoughts and deriding my abilities, which is what I've been used to my whole life. It frees me up, but not enough as I want. Not enough to make up for the fact that I'm 21 and feel like the last 7-8 years were taken from me... <br />
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Yet, most of the time this is all apparant when I'm away. I've come back here for 2-4 months the last 3 summers and Christmas and each time it's felt like complete hell and the worst experience of my life. I keep coming back expecting this time I'll be strong enough to change it, this time they'll finally learn what a transition is, but it doesn't. A few days ago my bedcover burst and feathers started coming out. I told them about it innocently this afternoon, when I came home from work my mom told me to grab my bedcovers and bring them down and to vacuum my room immediately because the feathers would get in my throat if I slept in it (though it's been like that for days and I'm fine). I said I'll do it tomorrow. She said no and then stormed up upstairs to grab it against my word. I exploded in a series of what the *****, not my first burst... really it felt like the straw that broke the camel's back. When I told them I should leave, they threatened to cut me off money wise and I have little right now and want to keep going to college. So basically my position is that I'm staying solely because of money. I've decided that I can stick it out until September and then have another good year in school.. I can take the punishment. But it all feels so wrong. After reading these I truly feel for my health, I need to get away and never come back...

I'm sad to say that I hope all of you that have berated, condemed and literly tore your own mothers up one side and down the other while wishing her to die, seriously needs professional help. None of you deserve the love, concern or wisdom your mothers have freely given to you your entire life. Only to get beat up by her disrespectful, unappreative family? Are you kidding me? .YOU dont deserve her...shame on all of you. Maybe the reason she doesnt have the active full life anymore is because she wasted most of it on selfish, rotten, ungrateful children like you.<br />
The support I give today would be for these mothers that have loved and gave way to much to their<br />
spoiled, self centered children/family.

starletsky2512...thank you for your posting!!! I thought I was the only one that felt that all these posters were a bunch of selfish, ungrateful....***** that don't know how lucky they are that they have a mother that cares. They should be ashamed of themselves because a mother is the most sacred person on this earth. She gave nine months of her live to care a child and then the child is an ungrateful ***. Funny, when you needed something mom was there and now that you are grown you have become a bunch of slime. Thank you again starletsky2512 and I agree with your statement. It if had not been for my mother, I would not be the woman I am today!

@Starletsky2512, Mama1451, etc: You were fortunate to have been raised by a "normal" woman. If you understood the thread, and have lived through what they are talking about, you would not respond with such accusatory venom. You are both correct: there IS such a thing as a spoiled and ungrateful *** of a child. True. But that's not what these people are talking about.

Listen I came fr a very controlling mother it was always about her , she was sick ever since i was 15, now i am 47 and still taking care of her because she is sick, she always controll me i was just her little servant and at 47 i still am, she always said cant or wanted me to do what she chose, I raised my children different but i still see to her needs of course she still is sick, i feel she brain washed me and took my life from me, if and i did married but she got jeaulous no time for her, mothers can be a nigtmare or your best friend if u let them live their lives and grow and love who they chose as their comapainons

Listen I came fr a very controlling mother it was always about her , she was sick ever since i was 15, now i am 47 and still taking care of her because she is sick, she always controll me i was just her little servant and at 47 i still am, she always said cant or wanted me to do what she chose, I raised my children different but i still see to her needs of course she still is sick, i feel she brain washed me and took my life from me, if and i did married but she got jeaulous no time for her, mothers can be a nigtmare or your best friend if u let them live their lives and grow and love who they chose as their comapainons

When I was younger, my mom was my best friend. As I've gotten older (and more mature) she's become one of my biggest liabilities. <br />
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Like a lot of the posts in here, my mother is an obsessive compulsive personality. After she bought me a cell phone in my early teens, I slowly began to realize that this woman has a problem. Constant call after call checking up on me. When I did pick up the phone (sometimes I'd have 6-12 missed calls) she talked to me about her petty problems of the day: what happened at work, her husband, what she was thinking of buying (like drapes) and asking for my input. Being 15 or so, all I wanted to do was be out with my friends, not listen to my mom drone on about the petty problems in her life and advise her about her design choices. <br />
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Many years have passed but she hasn't changed. I have changed tacts many times - being understanding, angry, etc. - but it seems with every new way of approaching her, she finds a new way to manipulate me. She doesn't value honesty, only seems to believe that she can dump her problems and regrets onto me and, as her son, it is my 'duty' to listen to her and worry about them before living my own life. Because she doesn't want to get help, somehow she thinks it's better to drag me down with her. And that's exactly what is happening. <br />
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At 26, I've moved back home (after much guilt and coaxing from her). Currently I'm working at a job I said I never would and coming home to have her invade my thoughts every 15 minutes. It wasn't much different when I was away for those years before, though: getting up to 15 missed calls a day (literally) and when I finally did call back she would respond: "what are you doing today?" As I came to learn, this question was/is a lead in for her to dump all her psychological junk onto me while I sit there and listen. A few times I've actually put the phone down and walked away for 10 or more minutes, and when I come back, she's still talking to herself! Not even realizing I'm not responding. <br />
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I can't really describe how dehumanizing and alienating it is to be treated like nothing more than an over-loved puppy; a thing of lower intelligence simply there for her comfort and loyalty (I love my dog, btw). It appears she has not invested any effort into cultivating herself or growing as a person and as a result, she expects me to (a) constantly empathize with her lack of focus, ambition and courage and (b) ignore the fact that I'm competent (somedays) and think/act like a ignorant and blindly trusting child. <br />
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Unfortunately I feel like many years of my life have been wasted so far, primarily dealing with the stress of handling her on top of trying to figure out my own life. It doesn't help when there's someone there compulsively discouraging you from experiences they've never even had but "heard about on ____ (insert daytime talk show there)." I don't miss the person I thought my mother once was, I only miss being too dumb and blind to realize it.

my mother is so dependent on me it is scary. she calls everyday she texts everyday and when i dont answer her right away she worries. she has no life of her own. she sits on the couch all day and says she is not depressed, yeah right. i am 36 years old and she treats me like i am 6. she is good mother as far as always being there for me when i need her. but then after she does help me she guilts me into feeling like i owe her all my devotion or attention. i have been through depression, divorce, addiction, and heartbreak she has always been there but it's like she enjoys my need for her because her husband is emotionally abusive. i need to break free set boundaries i just dont want her hurt. i love her but she is loving me to death. help!

As with every problem in my life, I thought I was the only one who had this issue. She calls me almost every day (her excuse is that she does it because I never pick up the phone, so she calls and calls and calls....) she won't let me be free, breathe...and so I ask myself, how come someone can't get a hint that if I'm not answering the phone or refusing to see you its because THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU? I mean, I know that parents have a hard time separating themselves with theirs kids, but hey....that's life! everyone has passed through that and survived. I just cannot understand how come she has no awareness that there is something deeply wrong with her.<br />
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So, this is my story. Im the youngest of three sisters and the are a lot older than me. The reason she gave birth to me was in her own words "I just wanted to have THREE KIDS, exactly three". My father didn't wanted another child, but she insisted. What a selfish wish. To top that, they wanted a boy. So there I was, thrown in a dysfunctional family where there was no place for me at all. I had no one to play with, no siblings my own age, no cousins my own age, and a couple of old parents too tired from work trying to cope two teenage daughters. <br />
So my life has always been a pain for me. I feel like I absorbed everything wrong in the family and no one was there to guide me. I was psychologically abused by my indoor nanny for ten years, bullied at school, at my school bus, you name the place, I recieved it all. Did anyone notice? No. Why did they have me if they didn't wanted to take care of me, listen to my issues and take some action? My mom has NEVER done anything for her life to be better, so why should she have the ability to do something for someone else? The thing is, I really needed help when later in life I had bulimia, constant depressions and dropped out numerous careers. I needed action, not her complaints. I needed advice, not her criticism. I needed faith, NOT her negativity.<br />
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Anyway, back to the present. If I have to blame someone for all the crap of my life, it will be my mom. Who taught me to worry about life's minor details? She did. Who made me doubt myself when I'm facing a life improving challenge? She did. Who taught me to be afraid of life? She did.<br />
So now I just don't want to talk to her. It took me years of therapy to get rid of her voice in my head "WILL I BE ABLE TO DO THIS?" to her, its safer if I just stay at home and DO NOTHING THAT CAN JEOPARDIZE MY LIFE IN ANY WAY. It took me years to believe in myself, to stop being afraid, to mature, to grow, to be independent. I stopped talking to her for two years (I live with my dad, they are divorced) because I just couldn't defend myself from such an emotional vampire. Every single word she said to me brought me down. She just knew where my buttons were and she kept pushing it and do you know why? So that she can keep preserving me as her baby girl. It may be so hard for her as a mom to realize that I don't need her anymore, that I'm perfectly happy without her, that actually, the years I spend living with her were the worst of my life, and the years away from her, were the years I actually start to get better.<br />
I just wish she gets this. I just wish she stopped being so dependend and get a life of her own! I wish she could understand that some people just don't need to talk every day, that some poeple like me, are introverts and feel exhausted when another demands attention. TOO MUCH INTIMACY CAN SUCK ME DRY. I wish she could understand that I don't need her, even if I still love her and accept her for who she is. I wish she could understand that being a mother doesn't mean you have to smother your children. That she has to let go of your big desire to have a familiy and three daughters who communicate daily the way she wants. I wish she could understand my need for independence. I wish she had faith in me, so that I could stop hiding every single problem in my life from her.I wish she realized what a bad influence she has had in my life and just leave me alone.

you are not alone, i feel much the same way... it's not our fault, after a long time i have finally realised that we are afraid of something that has already happened to us... we are afraid to go out there and try something new because we think everything is going to turn out the same way... but what we actually fear is in the past it has already happened to us and will continue to happen for sure if we don't change our situation ourselves... yes, we are alone and it is frightening, but surely this is one of those cases when you really have nothing to loose by trying... best of luck to you!

I'm going through the same thing right now and no idea what to do. I don't want to move-out out of spite but I don't think I can take it anymore. I moved out at 20 for school but moved back home to take some time off and I get no privacy. She opens my mails and hides them from me. Nothing I do is good enough for her and I am criticized about everything. I tried everything-- being honest and calm, explained myself, got mad.. I don't do drugs, don't drink or smoke, dont sleep around or party, and I got good grades as a full time student while working till 3-4am waitressing. You would think a normal parent would be proud, but no. <br />
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I am exhausted. I get anxious whenever I have to talk to her and depression found me again. I feel like I'm suffocating and I told her every bit of what I just explained now but she remains the same. <br />
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She literally told me she needed to control my life and do things for me because I don't know any better. I said I need to learn for myself because it's my life and she got offended. <br />
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I need to be free.

my mother is connected to my soul.i hate it she controls and manipulates everybody.she'll never go out there and give it a shot.We've all become loser's just like her afraid to go out or be independent.she's so controling i hate her.if im ************ in my room she's f***'n in on boyfreinds, friends,or anything she's a smother mother.she even controls my breathing.i too have been diagnosed with so many things but its all crap ive just had an abusive ashole father and an insecure smothering mother.Counceling doesn't help i feel like smashing 33 ive left home so many times but the abusive childhood they gave me wins everytime.this time im leaving again.i hope theyF*** off and die

Your story is the same as mine. I hope you see success. I'm working on freeing my self too

The best sitcom depiction of a smothering mother isn't Big Bang Theory or 2 1/2 men. It's Everybody Loves Raymond. I've had to turn that show off sometimes, it's so spot-on.

OMG I thought I was the ONLY one on the planet with a mother like this. I even started to think that maybe she is mentally ill. My older sister who I resent somewhere moved all the way to California to get away from her and pretty much left me with her. So as I grew up and started a life of my own joined the military got married had kids, my mother who finally realized she can't find happiness with abusive peace of **** men and left all men alone now she really has no life, has done nothing but call incessantly, one time she had the police come by my house to check if everything was ok because I wouldn't answer her many phonecalls for a whole weekend. If I get upset she starts crying then you feel sorry for her which I heard is a minipulation tactic. She always hints at living with ME even though I'm young married have a young child and need privacy and my far away sister lives by herself is older and her kids are grown. IT sickens me how she has absolutely no life of her own and looks to me for her happiness. But yet she is so set in her ways in how she lives, abhoring any kind of modern technology (she grew up in the depression era) doesn't sleep in the bedroom, minimal furniture, Scared to death of wasting food, has her many medications out on a common endt able. I don't know how she thinks she could live with ANYONE let alone me and my husband. I REFUSE I'm sorry. My husband who doesn't know her like I do and wants to honor his mother-in-law is always saying sure ma you can come live with us, and I give him the glare of death. I've also wished (and I feel so extremely guilty by saying this) that she would pass on so I could breathe. She is 70 now but still get's around. I keep thinking she is going to change. That guy who said to mourn the mother you wish you had, that's a great idea, but it makes me so sad. ONe day she bust out crying because I told her when she used to insist on visiting EVERY effin weekend on my military base, that you do have another daughter you know. She said how dare I throw that in her face. I guess since my sister is so far away out of sight out of mind. But yet when I think of her living alone by herself and the few times she does not call I feel sorry for her. It's like an endless emotional prison. I'm glad I was able to write this down.

Wanna see a sit-com on this? Watch the Big Bang Theory or Two and a Half Men.

I also recommend reading a book called Your Erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer. Its a book that explores a lot of the feelings we experience in a very fluent manner.<br />
<br />
Read it. Its worth it.

I also recommend reading a book called Your Erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer. Its a book that explores a lot of the feelings we experience in a very fluent manner.<br />
<br />
Read it. Its worth it.

I also recommend reading a book called Your Erroneous Zones by Wayne Dyer. Its a book that explores a lot of the feelings we experience in a very fluent manner.<br />
<br />
Read it. Its worth it.

I have been reading ALL of these posts and I relate completely to them. What happens to men, particularly the post by ExperienceProjecting is something described by Dr. Dan Killey called the Peter Pan Syndrome. Bascically it describes the life of a child-man raised by a smothering mother and an absent father. I have been diagnosed with this condition. Psychiatrist call it a Narcissistic, passive-aggressive and childish behaviour. I´d like a show of hands on how many of you are chronic procrastinators, just afraid of doing things and thinking when the time will be right for this or that. <br />
<br />
I Read the book as soon as I heard of this syndrome. Its really cheap over the internet and I have found it enlightening, although painful to read since it reminds you of all the stuff you had to go through as a child. <br />
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Christmases are MISERABLE to me. Las time I spent Christmas at home I had to stay at a hotel because I couldnt stand a minute alone at home. My mom drinks, smokes and eats all day. Yells to the top of her lungs, and demands for everything to be ready ASAP, or even as she thinks over it.<br />
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Men like me who have lived their lives with these kinds of mothers are so afraid of doing anything in life. I even developed Cyclic chronic syndrome over this and even got admitted to the hospital over this. <br />
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I dont know Who i´m angriest at. My mom for being so pushy or my dad for being such a push-over. Its sad to say this but he is. He became a workaholic becasue he can´t stand being in the same room with her. She even talks to me of her lack of sex life with my father. How sick is that!? Even if she changed the damage has been done. I cant even share the joy of telling her that I´m having a new project or even handling my own accounting because she engulfs everything she touches. <br />
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The guilt is terrible. It completely destroys any resolve in you to make a change or to take a challenge. Its like a bad case of herpes. Just when you thought it was gone, it comes back and haunts you. <br />
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The most recent sory of destroying my self esteem is the following<br />
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Believe it or not I studied Medicine. I became an ophthalmologist and I have struggled so much to get to this point. My mother has a retina condition. ALL my life I have heard about eye disease eye disease eye disease, cant see cant see cant see. Perhaps Thats why I took it up in the first place. I recently got her an appointment with one of my mentors who is a great guy. When He finished taking a look at her and gave me his opinion I thanked him and gave him my card. She just patted me on the head and said "Oh....its so cute, how can you compare yourself to him (my teacher)". What kind of a mother says that?! Every time I go over this and over this and over this I get sick to my stomach. I have never had the courage to say things straightforward since my father never showed me that example, although he has had my back over many things.<br />
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And as people has mentioned earlier, I also have wished for her death. BUT THE WOMAN IS DETERMINED TO LIVE FOR EVER!!!!! I could go on and on and on. Kudos to all who have realized and decided to take the hard road of refusing MOM´s help. Its a really liberating thought.

hi, this thread is old but anyway i wanted to say i totally relate to your story and the other stories posted here on this thread... hands up here for everything you said... best of luck

Hello all.<br />
<br />
To be frank, I hate my mother, i hate every inch of her.<br />
But deep down it rips my heart apart seeing that she leads this live, She is very fat, nearly 50, but still thinks she is a 14 year old that can tease her way into emotions. <br />
When she eats an icecream she will look at me - im her son - and she'l act like she is so funny and cute. <br />
I hate the *****, she has no sense of reality whatsoever and she makes me her ''golden child'' well i ****** up big time in life and we are in this ****** up hate love realition ship. I have no friends, no Girlfriends ever.<br />
Im being diagnosed with all kind of things but.<br />
<br />
And this is a tip for all : when doing meditation i suddenly felt this load of emotional energy of of me.<br />
and i realised i was very very angry and that my mom is NOT my girlfriend or playmate !.<br />
My father is an aggresive ****, who only works neuroticly, doesnt say anything ever ! My parents never talk about personal stuff, only distorted loving from my mother and my damaged childhood fater.<br />
<br />
My mother has total control with her fat smiling witace over every aspect of our family, When she in 15 years had an argument with my father again - who didnt put up much of an fight, hes pretty much burned up.<br />
She started to lose it and then she was again - Oh lovely son ! i love you so muchy muchy much.<br />
Then i realised - the ***** is crazy. only problem its still my mom.

SmartieCats. OMG! I can so relate to your post. I've had the healthy boundaries build health relationships discussion with my mother several times over the past 10 years and she still doesn't get it. <br />
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I've even gone to therapy to get help with this as it deeply has made me feel guilty as if I am an bad child in some way for not agreeing with her opinions, listening to her complaints, answering every phone call, email, text, voicemail, etc. <br />
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She often throws Bible verses at me such as do not forsake her and honor your mother and father. She says I'm not right because I don't want to talk to her several times a day and that it's not normal. <br />
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I am copying a letter I sent to her recently after a blow out phone conversation once again about her respecting my boundaries. Can someone please give me some input here because I am starting to feel crazy.<br />
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Mom,<br />
<br />
I love you but want to ask you to respect my boundaries because I need that space to feel independent and grow as an adult. Calling twice, leaving two voicemails, and two texts in a span of maybe 2 hours is unacceptable. I do not have a spirit of perversion. I have made the statement that you could be interrupting something like me having sex with my partner several times in an effort to point out to you the depth of the invasion I feel that your sometimes incessant calling, texting, voicemailing causes for me. That is acceptable behavior only in an emergency situation. I ask that you leave me a message if I am unable to answer allow for 24 hours before you begin to worry. I will return your message at my earliest convenience. I believe healthy boundaries will promote a healthier relationship as a whole for us both. I will look forward to the conversations we have instead of feeling pressured into speaking to you just because I know you are not going to not leave me alone until I do, that only breeds resentment and makes me frustrated when we do talk producing poor and unenjoyable communication. I'm almost 30 years old and desire a healthy, fruitful relationship with my parents. I will no longer accept financial or other assistance from you because it only further fosters the unhealthy relationship between an adult child and parent.<br />
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I found this on a christian website, they have questions and answers from christian counselors:<br />
<br />
Question:<br />
I'm in my mid-20s and the youngest of three children. My mom seems to refuse to recognize that I'm an adult now. How can I transition from her child to her peer/friend?<br />
Answer:<br />
Many parents have difficulty "letting go," allowing their child to fully separate from the parent-child relationship and move into full adulthood. This may be even more of a problem if your parents have a history of marital conflict or have grown apart in recent years. The empty nest years can seem threatening to a woman who feels distanced from her husband and has directed all of her emotional energy toward her children. If your mother refuses to let go, you will need to start establishing healthy boundaries. This may require much more assertiveness on your part, letting your mother know that you love her, but as a woman in your mid-20s, it is time for you to start establishing more emotional independence. She may feel rejected and hurt by your desire to separate, but it is important for her to understand that this is a normal part of development. You also need to do your part to make sure you are not "enabling" your mother to keep you in a childlike role. If you count on your parents for financial support or allow your mother to do your laundry every weekend, you are contributing to the problem.<br />
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My mother's response:<br />
I never come by and see ya'll much and when I do I call.I try to call u for a few minutes in the am or pm less than 2 or 3 min just to see ur well.I do call early on ur way to work or pm so I don't hinder ur time with your partner. I actually try to be thoughtful as to when to call. I feel I have let go .Where does it say not to call ur kids everyday and what kind of person doesn not care to hear from their loved ones daily if possible.Love has no boundaries.What kind of grown daughter doesn't want to hear from a Mother .I do not feel I keep u child like at all ,you do a good enough job yourself doing that,my dear.I guess this generation is so different I just cannot relate .I do know this generation is so self absorbed it makes me sad very sad.Itis a scary thing to get old and forgotton ,not just talking about me for I'm not old . Grandma was so loving and giving to u when she was able and your aunt too and u never visit her ,I just am different .I love u ,but your rude ,u act like your above everyone else ,youve been blessed ,get off ur high horse before ur humbled.I've gone thru so much counseling and took courses on boundaries etc,I go by the leading of the Holy Spirit .Remember him ???How does he feel when hearts turn from a Mother and about conflict ...does it sadden Him. I forgave you as the words came from your mouth .I will pray for u a heart of flesh and not stone.I give out of love and I always tried to give without u even asking if I sensed a need I gave freely not so u would visit or talk to me .I gave u stuff cause I love u no other reason .I gave u to the Lord in the cradle and I trust him to keep you for I have hid you in him as a baby. I just call cause I love u no other reason .Signed Mommie Dearest.<br />
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Can someone tell me if I am nuts??? She signed off as Mommie Dearest.

You know, I am going to counseling to try to deal with my crazy mother. I would like to shut her out completely but she lives an hour away and my daughter is 2 and she does enjoy seeing her grandmother. Thank God M (our daughter) never has to re-live my life with her though because otherwise she would despise her as well. My mother is an engulfing-neglecting narcissist. She tormented me as a child...there are so many stories. However, I have recently realized that my mother is mentally ill. She will never be the mother I needed and never be normal. There is some grieving to be done over that fact. I always thought it was the alcohol that made her act that way but she is getting worse as she gets older: calling me three times a day, telling me repeatedly how to raise my child even though she was a terrible mother, crying and saying she is "lonesome" for us because we don't invite her over or go and visit. Trying to make me feel guilty. Trying to read my mail or listen in on conversations between me and my husband, Snooping in my garbage, reading my daily planner to see what I am doing and asking intrusive questions about doctor's appointments, criticizing the music we play, drinking us dry of all alcohol when she comes to visit and then driving to the store half-in-the-bag to buy more because of the excuse she though my husband and I would like a drink!<br />
There is a book I have purchased that may be helpful to others. It's called, "Will I ever be Good Enough? healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride. I read a few chapters and became so disturbed my the memories flooding back that I have to stop reading and discuss with my counselor. But I think it is right on the money for me and will help me heal in the end. Maybe it might be appopriate for some of you too, so I thought I'd share the title.

I can certainly relate to this...

I can certainly relate to this...

I can so relate to your story. My mother has driven me crazy for years. Your comment about finding peace at the thought of her being gone really hit home because just this week I said to my husband that I would not care if I ever saw my intrusive, smothering, guilting, depressed, lonely, alcoholic, crazy, advice-giving, neurotic mother again. I said that I think the only peace I will ever have is after she dies. I will be free.<br />
I will share more of my story later, as my 2 yr old is needing some attention.

This is fantastic. My mother was also smothering and I had pretty much the same symptoms you described! Also, her motivations for being like that were very similar too. She had no life and so it all went onto me, which meant that I, in turn, was going to have a hard time making a life myself. In this way her pathology was handed down to the next generation. Its so great that you realized what is going on, just as I did recently !<br />
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An irony here is that in my experience, my smothering mother was actually also kind of distant emotionally. When it came to discussing problems she was just too frail to discuss bad things, so I learned early on not to bring any bad things up, but just be a good boy. On one hand, she was smothering, on the other not able to handle a child's every day emotions!<br />
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Anyway, I just wanted to give you one more option in the menu of choices you have and that is to really sit down and grieve the mother you thought you had and accept the reality that as much as you love your mother, her emotional life right now makes her an unsafe person. I always kinda knew that, because I acted like it, but never really, really sat down and mourned it. Really realizing that has been extremely saddening to me, yet also amazingly freeing. I am all alone in this world, that is how I felt, my mother, the mother I wanted has been lost for a long time now, that was another feeling. For the first time in my life I felt I stood truly alone and was free to do the work we all need to do : To build a family of my own, and by that I don't mean only a romantic relationship. I mean building a spiritual family in the sense of building bridges to people, that I find safe. I was free to do that without pressure or expectation when I fully came to terms of what my mother was and wasn't !<br />
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For me, it meant seeking out the safe people in my life and nurturing those relationships. I'm a guy and right now I can say I have three male friends who I consider safe and who I value and love. Something I had never had before. I always had trouble with same sex relationships. Still early goings, but I am building my family. A safe girl will come along in time. I also learned to take my good, old time when determining wether someone is safe or not. At least a year, if not more. When it came to women, I used to only think of sex. Maybe its a function of getting older and settling down, but now its about relationship and friendship first. That is what will make the sex great and meaningful. I know, big revalation, right ? Anyway, just my 2 cents. Great article and thanks for writing it !<br />
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Bonus on top of all this? Saying good bye to my mother gives me a feeling that I *might* actually have an easier time with her now. Emotionally unplugging from her, which I admit I haven't fully done yet, may just make me wave off her dysfunctional, hurtful statements. I think, I maybe able to change the topic and just accept her defects for what they are without them upsetting me. That's still new territory though, and we'll get there...

I'm in a similar situation and wonder how you got the initial phase of separation from her

You are very articulate about your situation and you know your only option is to create a large distance between yourself and your mother.<br />
If you were a child it could be seen as a form of abuse but as an adult you can just walk away.<br />
I realise walking away may be the hardest thing you have ever done but it will also be the most empowering.

Distance is not a bad thing . I did for years moved out at 16 and had only minimal contact. Hugs