My Story

I am 18 years old i look back at my childhood i could say it was not a great one. Cause now it effects me badly now as an adult. Growning up as a pre teen i remeber i wasn't allowed to go out and do anything at all i wasnt allowed to have phone calls privately i wasn't allowed to have friends over i wasn't allowed to go over friends houses school dances movies with peers . My childhood was not Normal i lived with my grandmother all the way up to 9 .years old to 13 years old . It was not easy at all i was tortured every single day . Jugded , slaped on ,and i wasnt allowed to talk back or to say anything at all ! If i saud the sky was blue when my grandmother was lecturing me i would get slapped. If my friends knock in the door fir me to come outside and play my grandmother would tell thenm no ! But if my little sister's friends would come to the door she would let them in and tell her to its ok . i was so angered and frustrated i was always treated like a a prisoner and i wasn't allowed to wear certain things my granny would tell me to change my clothes its was too tight what i had on for her she would tell me if i go out side with what i put on ill end up getting raped i didn't understand what rape really ment at 10 years old until she told me. and it made me very scared to go outside alone sometimes or i would walk to the store i would be soo paranoid that someone would do what my grandma said someone would do to me . It also made me very emotional cause i was sooo scared who every came across my way i was scared to talked to them. My heart always pounded when a man passed me because i was so scared a man would take me and rape me just like me grandma said they do. It effected me mentally all the things me grandma told me when i was growing up. She made it seem like the world was such a terrible place to be in. It made me very upset all the time i had nightmares at 9 -12 that id get rape or something . I was always afraid of older men because of my grandma .@13 I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend but i had one anyways he was very nice and sweet. but my grandma hated him. i was punished very harsh she keeped me locked up in my room inside the house I'd see Friends i had a bunch of them. but never was allowed to have them around. i hated it. i didnt have any appection of anything i had a cousin she was the only friend i could had phone calls with and hand out with . My granny felt like i was too fast for my age i was told to keep away from boys .and when i reached the age when i wanted to got out and explore more like to the movies and go to school dances i wasnt allowed. i start getting more angered and when i hit 13 started to feel this feeling like i don't care about anybody or anything since i wasnt allowed to go out and have friends it made me very depressed seemed like it didn't mattered to me anymore it scares me up . i hit 14 i end up hurt lost and ended to losen my virginity to the wrong person. every since then i been without a real boyfriend i lost many friends i stop caring i was hurting inside i didnt know who to trust or go to about losing me virginity i was too scared to tell anyone it hurted soo bad i lost my everything my trust with people my love for life i felt very violated to even though it was willingly i relized I've made a mistake. cause the boy left me alone and didn't talk to me anymore. I felt like i was..going to get Jugded more if i talked to anyone about it if i told my mom or sisters they will be disgusted... with me my dad would of gone crazy if he found out. He dd and one day i had a boyfriend at that time we had sex once i thought i had became pregnant. i ended up telling one of my cousins and she backstab me and told my dad ! i hurted me internally i stop calling her and trusting her with anything i felt like she was the last person i had to trust and she ended up telling my dad out of all the peoplr and i was torn up. mentally it made me not trust absolutely anyone my sisters my mom and my dad it hurted me soo bad that my cousin backstab me and we were very close so i thought. I keep my distance away from everyone i ended up braking up with the boyfriend it all fell apart. i really did like him too !I was still getting controlled by my parents I still wasnt allowed to have a boyfriend and at 15 i was super depressed i barely went out and went to school i had my whole life stop when i lost a everyone and everything imy sisters stop with me i stop dealing with them an we were close at one point and now it's not any chance of building our relationnship back up my sisters and my parents never knew what was wrong with me i kept everything built up inside me cause i felt like i will be ignored or they wouldnt understand my pain. I wish i had let them know what was going oun with me instead of holding things in so at 16 i left home and moved into a foster home and move ove 5 times it wasn't easy i struggled with depression because i felt like i couldn't talk to anyone about my issues in my life at 17 i hoped for better i wished that my pain will end i hoped God or someone she changed help me feel so new God blessed me with a muture foster mother she was a woman of God i learned alot from her and now a days i would help and he sent me to someone and i am getting to be into a betteer place in my life ill be 19 next mounth i am trying to do things different get over my depression and stop holding myself back in my life i really want a new life i want to go out have some fun and stop being soo miserable .but people really don't know of me i am trying to meet new people and do new things but i still struggle with some insecurity but i know as my life processes it wull get better
loveElena loveElena
Dec 15, 2012