How I Became One

I realized sometime around August or September that I was an atheist. At first, I thought I was being rash because I was not in a good place. Then, I looked back and determined it couldn't be. Growing up, I was raised to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses. The first time I could remember really thinking about and even questioning one of the teachings was in elementary school. At about the age of 9, I found out what it meant to be "gay". I actually wasn't disgusted at all. I was shocked because, before then, I didn't even think it was possible for people of the same gender to be attracted to each other. I was more surprised when I found out that homosexuality was a sin. It just seemed odd that someone would do something that God hated. It also never seemed like a bad thing just shocking. This later became one of many reasons why I would never become a full JW. In addition to this, I didn't agree with some of the teachings. I was okay with not celebrating holidays. I didn't agree with things such as only spending time with JWs, not pursuing post-secondary educational to devote oneself to Jehovah., and that the theory of evolution had no validity. I also never felt that I belonged. I probably was technically an apatheist for a while. After my high school work load increased and I joined the marching band, I was more concerned with that (though I occasionally attended meetings). When I got to college, I started to question more whether or not God actually existed. There were some things that didn't make sense to me. While in school, I didn't identify as anything (even after I found out what it truly meant to be agnostic) but was a pragmatic going into an actual agnostic. Although I have recently became an agnostic atheist, I was on the verge for some time. I guess I was afraid. I never thought I'd ever become an atheist. I was skeptical but I wanted so badly to believe wholeheartedly. However, it finally came to a point where it just seemed ridiculous to continue trying to believe. I didn't want to run my life based on something that could be true but wasn't definite. For all we know, he/she could exist but not in the way we think. I haven't had a reason to believe most of my life but acknowledge I could be wrong. People are biased regardless of beliefs. I'll adjust if there's without-a-doubt proof. Right now I don't feel anyone is there and that life now is all we have.
changling20 changling20
22-25, F
Dec 1, 2012