Always Uncertain

I was like many others who grew up in a suburban American culture, where my parents instilled their Christian faith on me. They had me attend church, Sunday school, vacation bible study in the summers, and youth group in high school as well as participate in profession of faith, communion, and be baptized. All the basics with being a part of this lifestyle. Even in my years throughout college I participated in Christian groups on campus, and it's where I made some friends that I've maintained relationships with now. It wasn't until around the age of 22 and after, with more exposure to diversity in various aspects, that I decided everything I was raised to believe might not be for me. I began to question the validity of all that and accept that I can't pretend to live a life based on what others think is right for themselves. I don't think I ever entirely understood the essence of Christianity, other than people relying on their prayers, faith in a greater power than themselves, and somehow believing that all the good things are due to this big man in the sky allowing them to happen, and when the bad things happen, to continue having some faith in what may not be there. It doesn't make much sense to me, and even the times I've prayed, went to all those bible studies, tried to study the bible, and understand the philosophies of what were being explained, I felt it just wasn't working for me, as how it seemed to be working for them. I think I will always just remain in a phase of questioning, and can't accept that faith is the ultimate answer and guide for my life, and if I were to attend church or get back into the Christian lifestyle, it would honestly never be for myself. I have come to terms with that, and although a lot of the people around me, especially my parents, and friends would never accept this perspective of mine, I have to stay true to myself regardless of what they feel is best for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on people who hold strongly on to their faith/religion, opinions/beliefs, and if they feel it's making their life better, I respect that. I just don't agree with them when they try to impose their beliefs onto everyone else and judge wrongly when everyone else may not live their lifestyle.
Belinda Belinda
31-35, F
Dec 1, 2012