Close To Death

I don't know why I am writing; perhaps just to share.  If I could stop ONE person from going through the absolute hell I am going through, I would feel fulfilled.  See, things have just gotten from bad to horrible to just plain desperate.   I watched  my uncle die from alcolhol, and I just got out of the hospital after throwing up two pints of blood.  But, I can't stop.   I don't want to die, yet just keep drinking.  I'm a smart man, yet I cannot figure out the compulsion I have.  I have vericose vains in my stomach now, and they told me that if one of those goes...poof.   Death.   But nooooo, I still can't stop.  So, I suppose this is it.  My mother, father, and various family members were alcoholics.  My stomach is huge from fluid build up.  My knees are swollen.  I'm dying.  So, why can't I stop?  I am a software engineer of 12 years.  I have SO much to live for.  Yet, I am a slave.  I march like a robot for death.   I am confused and scared, knowing fully well what awaits me if I don't stop.  But on I chug and chug and chug.  Is there anybody out there who knows what I'm talking about? Anyone?      
dotnetgeek2112 dotnetgeek2112
17 Responses Aug 10, 2010

Yes. I'm a mom and a teacher. I love my kids. I love what I do. I don't understand why I keep drinking. I'm probably going to kill myself soon because I don't know what else to do. I'm so tired of pretending to be ok.

I dont know. But i would stop if u stop

I don't know if you are still alive, but I know very much how you feel.i am here because I googled "I am killing myself with alcohol". Every morning I think I will make this day different than the day before, but...
I don't understand, I believe I'm a good person and yet I am destroying myself....a lonely ,lonely sickness, that feeds on itself. I don't want to be alone yet assure I will be by hiding in this life numbing, hiding, running away, behavior.
Strangely ,life numbing is the point...but unfortunately you numb the good with the bad.

Very few have to die of alcoholism if they are truly willing to do ANYTHING to stop. I am an alcoholic in recovery (5 years) and drank daily and heavily since I was 13. I surrendered at 45 years old. That's a lot of years. The last 2 of my drinking were round the clock drinking. I did not suffer liver damage, I don't know why. But I was losing my hair, not eating, hemorrhaging through the nose daily, throwing up all the time, having chronic diariah - all the fun stuff. I became homeless (I come from middle class working homeowning people). I went to AA for 2 years while still drinking, but it was enough - when I had finally had it and said "God, I give up - I can't do this anymore", I knew where to go. AA works. Just give it a chance. And make sure to go to at least a professional Detox program. Detoxing on your own if you are a chronic alcoholic is deadly. Detox and in-programs don't work. They get you sober, but will not keep you sober. Antibuse only works if you take it, but also, does not cure our alcoholism. Nothing does. AA puts it into remission. There IS life without alcohol. You could not convince me of that 5 years ago, but today I am a walking miracle. We all can be if we truly work AA and let it work for us. We are here to save each other. Go to several meetings, tell people what is really going on. No one will understand like we do. Believe me. Please. Been there, done that, come though the other side.

Yup, I'm doing it right now--waiting for 6 am to get more--afraid to drink and very afraid to stop..May have wet brain at this point . Almost want to be arrested so I can stop.

I can relate. Im 23 and have been an alcoholic since I was 18. At 19 I developed alcoholic hepatitis..they put me on prednisone and it fixed me up even though I still drank. Now I have gastritis which my dr said was surely caused by alcohol consumption. Every single time I drink I instantly feel like ****, I try to counter that with antacids and I try countering my physical withdrawals with klonopin, it really sucks. Alcohol ruined my last semester in school and its looking like this semester will also be ruined, wasting thousands of dollars. I had a brief stretch of sobriety over the summer (76 days) through treatment on an outpatient but when I relapsed I just lost a lot of hope..having to put day 1 back on the calendar is just depressing so I have not been able to stop myself from falling yet. I battle suicidal thoughts and the only thing that really stops me is that I can not bare to do that to my family. I know this post isn't exactly inspirational but know that you are not alone in this fight. Hopefully you are still alive as this post is two years old.

Times can be difficult when changing life habits, but healthy habits must be permanent. I hope all who need help are willing to get it. Life is so valuable and so many are willing to support you.. go for it

My brother passed away today he died from alcohol abuse, all of the symtoms dotnetgeek2112 says he exhibits such as having a hugh stomach from fluid build up, swollen knees etc are all symptoms my brother exhibited. Basically my brother drowned in his own blood it had become so thin that it leaked out of his veins there was nothing they could do at the hospital he was receiving blood platelets to try and thicken his blood but it wouldn't work. His liver wasn't working, his kidneys failed and they couldn't do dialysis due to the fact his blood was so thin, his pancreas also failed. It is a horrible way to die I pray that anyone who feels they are an alcoholic seeks help now. You have no idea what you are going to put yourself, your family, and anyone else that cares about you through. Abusing Alcohol will kill you.

31 years old, for the past 3 years I have every morning woke and told myself I need to stop. I need to get help, every morning when I am hung over and hurting. Bile throw up, IBS. Yet 9-11 hours later I am driving home and going.. I need a drink.. just something top calm my nerves. I started at 20, for bout 3 years then quit for 5 due to a good friend just basically giving me the kick in the *** I need, then he left and I moved close by. Met this lovely gal.. who said I could drink and I did again but it promptly got out of control. I left went back home.. and well since moving back its a nightly endeavor, drink, sleep, wake and work. Rinse and repeat. I've decided I think I will go and visit and AA meeting at least once.. give it a chance. I'm scared, but.. I cant find the desire to stop even if I am getting sicker, etc.

PLEASE let me know how your stories are going!!!! im 20 years old, nd have no were else to turn to!! i beg you, repsond! I know its pathetic, im underage and still in full control. But i enjoy drinking it makes real life fade away. please let me know how you all are doing,,, please

PLEASE let me know how your stories are going!!!! im 20 years old, nd have no were else to turn to!! i beg you, repsond! I know its pathetic, im underage and still in full control. But i enjoy drinking it makes real life fade away. please let me know how you all are doing,,, please

What your describing is exactly the disease of alcoholism. The mental obsession combined with the physical craving. There has only been 1 solution to this disease for the last 75 years, Alcoholics Anonymous. It works. It really does. If we follow the instructions in the book Alcoholics Anonymous and continuing practicing them in our lives. But I do know this baffling disease and when I was left with the choice of die an alcoholic death or find a spiritual way of life.. I thought isn't there a door C here? It does get easier as we work on it and surrender this reality that we have an incurable disease that we need to seek daily treatment for. Let me know how your doing,

Try to get something to stop - antabuse shots are available. You don't need to loose your life.

I absolutely understand you. You don't deserve a painful, lonely death. Get as much help as you can to get you through the physical withdrawal and try to remember this:<br />
<br />
It gets better and it gets easier - if it didn't I wouldn't still be sober!<br />
<br />
Be good to yourself.

My liver completely failed in 2005 and i had only a 30 per cent chance of surviving but miraculously i did after the worst most painful three months of my life. It is the most awful way to go and i came very close but, and this is the madness of alcoholism, as soon as i was able to walk again i went straight to the shop for beer once more! Luckily very soon afterwards, i was sent to prison for five years which definitely saved my life but even after being sober for all that time i now find myself back at square one with alcohol making me very sick and my liver suffering once more (yellowing eyes and vomiting bile) so will i manage to finally stop for good this time? The fact that i'm looking at these sites and am now on day 2 sober (again!), i hope so!

Yes I do. I am an alcoholic and a member of AA. You CAN stop -- you CAN. Get to another detox if you have to, and then to a meeting. Surrender. Follow the 12 steps. They DO WORK!

ya.. i am drinking stout as i write.. I started drinking when i was 22 years of age. The day before i go for my National Service. In our country every male have to do 2 years. When i am in there that is the army i only drink with my camp buddys during the weekend. After my service, two years later i work for a company dealing with furnitures for 6 years then i started my own business until now. Having your own business in Asia here means you have to drink with clients and workers.. That is where it all started.. Well today at the age of 49 i am still in this business but have no worker of my own and yet i am still drinking. I do not drink in the day but everynight without fail i must have my drinks. When i have no money somehow i still manage to get a few drinks.. Don ask me how i just can. Many a time i tell myself i need help and here there are many places i can go for help but not me. My stomach is also not healthy i tell you. Gas, big and IBS you name it.. Yet i am still drinking.. You may say i am killing myself. I say there are many things that can kill you this days. Welcome to the club.. 3 cheers from Singapore.