Still Battling It....

I'm an alcoholic. That's a fact. I'd like to say a 'reformed' alcoholic, but are we ever ? I don't think so. I think once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, even if you don't drink anymore. That's just a part of what we are, a shadow that'll follow us forever.

I've been searching for excuses, something or someone to blame my condition on, but without success. I didn't have a bad childhood, I didn't have a bad life, I have a loving family and loving friends. So why ?

I don't know. Was it the depression I had battled with for so long ? But then I should be rid of that problem now, shouldn't I , now that the depression is gone and everything is under control. But it's not.

I hadn't touched a drop in 79 days. Last night I had a relapse. It started with one can of beer, and that felt good. I should've left it at that, but I didn't. It ended in 3 cans of beer and a bottle of red wine. You know what the most frightening part of it all was ? It felt like home............

My friends came to collect me, one an alcoholic who's been sober for 5 years now, the other one an active alcoholic. I'm grateful for that, if not for them I would probably have had even MORE to drink, not been at work today and felt more miserable than I do now. My partner would have found out, one way or the other, meaning I would be single now and completely devastated. So let's say I was lucky. This time.........

I've so much to lose if I succumb to that evil again, SO MUCH. It's not worth it. It scares the living **** out of me........... I'm scared, every day of my life that I'll give in one day and go back to the bottle. I don't want to be scared anymore.

I've started going to AA meetings, my friend says it helps to get rid of the fear of alcohol. I have to do this, for myself. And I know I will succeed. It's not easy though, not easy at all...... and I'm so scared......


cleozabu19 cleozabu19 26-30, F 83 Responses Apr 7, 2008

Your Response


Get yourself involved. Some interest outside of yourself will put a distance between you and your "fear".

AA works for me

Just back from my meeting --


if it works, stick with it.

Don't give up .it's better to try and fail than fail to try! Good luck xx

Well done so far. Hope you are still on top of the demon.

One comment from a recovering alcoholic now in Year Ten: you talk of losing your fear of alcohol but I actually don't want to lose that fear. The fear of alcohol and what one drink has the power to reduce me to is one of the most powerful motivations to keep me sober.

Use the fear as a positive tool and you will be empowered by that fear.


It's been 5 years now that I have given up addiction...I can tell you It's wrong to identify yourself as an alocoholic or anything else...We are Born free and are forever free...From the core of our being we are really free from all these Identification and tendencies....My Addiction ,It's Gone forever and That is the reality...I am Human Being that is reality...I would not have been alive ..What really helped me was Yoga...It helped remove the dependency.. It made me realize my potential as a human being.. Please try googling for Sudarshan Kriya , a Yogic breathing Technique...This changed my life...I hope and pray that it helps you and your loved ones. I guarantee you will have a Smile on your face. :) God Bless

almost 6 months sober now it can be done with the help of good friends and familey good luck all

I say, just don't drink today. It's ok to make mistakes. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, ask for help, join a group and get active in that group. You'll soon learn that not drinking is the easy part of recovery. It's the other crap we have to deal with that the tough part. That's where the suggestions come into play.
With the grace of god, and the simplicity of the program, I have not had the desire to drink in 9 months.
Good luck!

May I ask a basic question here? Why does this web site ask for no information, no questionnaire, and no invasion of privacy? Yet, the questions, and answers, are real. Sorry to interrupt the flow here, but this exact blog made me very curious.

because its not fb :)

i am in the very same state as you i was sober 95 days and then sliped i already am going to aa meetings and they do help you are not alone real friends are there for you and will help you through i am now sober again 6 days but every day is a strugle my thoughts are with you and i hope manage to have the strength and courage to continue to stay sober my name is Aiden and i am a alcoholic that will never change but each day i try good luck stay sfae

It is a slip. A relapse would be to continue and take you down the long rode down hill. I had a "slip" yesterday myself. If it helps you to say your an alcoholic then by no means do so. Years ago I also did myself but it didn't help me. Until I realized that I am merely an human being for which alcohol is a problem when I drink, I continued to spin my wheels. Let's just get over this moment and move on to a bigger and better obastacle in life.

Do NOT drink so you can admit you are an alcoholic. You must be out your ******* mind to tell someone that. Maybe a good idea not to give advice with a relapse the day before guy.

I concur. What's that idiot talking about? * points up

There was not one iota of advice that I gave. I am far from out of my mind also. I can tell however that you must be quite brilliant and have a much deeper understanding of the human condition than I, so its great that you can share in such a profound way. I am sure your comment to me really helped the person with the issue.

I just added a comment to you just a few minutes ago and as I read it I started to cry because if I could hold your hand and say you can do it ..a song is playing (country ) its called the good stuff.. I want you to be strong thnx again (big boys don,t cry ) oh

I can only comend you for your courage,to tell everyone I,m an alcoholic..I lost my last wife to Jake Daniels..oh how I hate him,,I drank heavily till I found something in my life that would not tolerate drinking,,I,m a professional Truck driver now,,we are drug tested frequintly and alcohol also..If I fail I lose my job I lost my wife look deep inside you and see if you can find what realy is important to you,,,I think you said your relationship ,,do it for you and then your relationship,don,t be afraid to fall you,ve got training wheels, look in the mirror and say to yourself I,m proud of you today you can contribute more sober than drunk. my love and prayers to you .trust in God he listens even though he wont tell you he does

Please pray about it.

I will always be an alcoholic -- even though I celebrated 34 years sober this past Nov. My reprieve is, I feel, due to surrendering, joining AA and depending on my Higher Power each day. What a trip!!

Congrats! I now a 12 step program is for life, my alcoholic husband left me after a year sobriety got divorce he was very mean, I was going to al alnon then and still continue to go, he..I am not sure what he is doing and it is none of my business, he got drunk before his 2 years aniversary and came back trying to convince me to take him back, he was nicer drunk than sober, I did not take him back and he has not talk to me or our boys for a year now! He is dating younger woman he is 56 his date 30. Never made amends to me just to our oldest son, I believe he is a dry drunk, I am ready or think I am for my step 9, but I do not know if I should call him? our last conversation was not good and he called the police to make sure I will never contact him again!. Any advise from your experience on what should I do. I am moving on but my 9 step is important to me.

Just for Today....I have been trying and trying and trying for almost two decades, but I have not given up the hope for sobriety. So many jails, so many ruined relationships....BUT it can get so much worse. I have almost lost everything, but I have not. I still have so much. I must remember to not take that first drink, because then that drink will take a drink and then that drink will take me. It has happened too many times.

Beyond "sober" and beyond "clean" there is God. That's what takes care of the fear for me. I spent a good part of my life drinking and drugging to mask the fear and the pain of being "less than". It got so bad that my morning after ritual was to stick a finger down my throat to upchuck the poison I had ingested the night before, backed up by a beer I'd steal from my dad's stash, then I'd lock myself in the bedroom, throw a blanket by the crack of the door and light up some pot and, if i had it, a line of cocaine just to get rid of the hangover and be "set for the day". Gratfully I was exposed to AA by run ins with the law and if it hadn't of been for that I would be dead now. The 12 steps I consider to be God's gift to mankind and they are 100% effective. So my best suggestion to you is don't drink or drug, go to meetings and read the first 164 pages of the Big Book. It's pretty easy to spot it's a big blue book with the title Alcoholics Anonymous on it. Take care and Godspeed.

Hello friends.....

At first I didnt think i had a problem, I was miserable in my marriage for no reason, i suffered depression, i suffer from major anxiety, and my father is sick... So when I would drink a small bottle of wine in one sitting I didn't see anything wrong, Well Alcohol has ruined my marriage. It got to the point I had to drink everyday. Like if I didn't I felt weird and my husband started noticing my habit and how the only time I would pick a fight with him was when I would drink. Oh he was no better than me, having a cocaine problem in his late twenties before we got married, but he went to rehab for that and got clean. I am not knocking people who go to rehab and I know they only want the best for you, however i used to hate when he would tell me to go to AA meetings, or that I had a problem that I was showing all the signs.

In the the back of my head I am saying to myself " really dude.. You were addicted to cocaine" ... though an addiction is an addiction it would frustrate me that the advice was coming from him... at the current time we are seperated. Strangely enough he relapased and ended up in the hospital, and i continued to drink , but the weird thing is , my drinking is not so heavy now. I am starting to think that he was the reason I was drinking. or was it many reasons. Whatever the reason is , I can't blame anyone but myself... I have a drink here and there now, and you would think that now that I am on my own I would be drinking more. However , I don't.

I am going to go to an AA meeting just to see if I am indeed an alcoholic. I think my definition used to be a person who would wake up drinking and drank all day. However an alcoholic is a person who needs it period. Doesnt matter if you wait to get home for that drink, or stop at the bar after work for it, or socially drink with friends a little too much. Or home drinking alone.

It's a battle for me, and that alone says i need help. For all those suffering my heart goes out , because I too can relate to this demon. I pray we can face the world and be happy without having to have a drink to feel happy!

Good luck to all!


Good on ya. Your not under any illusion that u can drink like a non alcoholic anymore. Good clear thinking ability on ur part. Now get to those AA meets wont you.

Check out tinybuddha - this blog about dealing with regret and moving forward may help. “Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be.” -Marsha Petrie Sue

Check out tinybuddha - this blog about dealing with regret and moving forward may help. “Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be.” -Marsha Petrie Sue

The actual fear of alcohol was something that helped keep me sober in the beginning. I was afraid to take another drink and I was also afraid to face life without one. I knew that for me to drink was for me to die and I didn't want to die. I no longer fear alcohol, but I know and accept that it is just not an option for me as an escape from life or for a way to celebrate life. I don't miss it, and I have a pretty good life, actually an amazing life, compared to what it was when I was a practicing alcoholic. AA is a program for living and it teaches me how to have a happy, healthy life and provides me with tools to live by. I have met so many great people in the rooms and so many out of the rooms since I have been on this journey. It is a process, it takes time to grow and I had to really want to change my life. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back into recovery. It works!!! Good luck!

Just keep on putting on foot in front of the other and hang on to GOD he will come through for you I know I have been there,even when you fall in your falling ask GOD for the strenght to get up again and do not be so unhappy with yourself, just keep going on one day at a time.GOD LOVES YOU.

I am a strong believer that in Order to get something, virtually anything, you need to pay the price. Sometimes, the price is monetary, sometimes you need to pay with your time, your energy, but you need to pay the price.

Jimmy choo

comment: I know how you feel, I have been sober 15 months tomorrow. There is always the chance that I will drink again if I do not safe guard myself every day.


I'm going to add something but not in the spirit of criticism. I do not believe in trying to "safe guard my SELF" every day or at all. What a drag. What a scary self-obsessive way to live, on edge all the time. (Maybe I'm reading too much into what you wrote.)

I do believe in what it says in Step 10 in the AA Big Book. It says upon making a certain amount of progress on the Steps, the problem has been removed. It's important to read that in context. I do take seriously that notion that I choose to trust and rely on God (a w u h) with my alcoholism and drinking, and with the "strange mental blank spots" described in Chap 3. And therefore with my Life. It's not even "my" Life anymore. I should already be long-dead.

I do have a responsibility in the process. "... as long as we stick close to him and perform his work well." So that's what I have to do to be free. This is not to say I'm fanatically religious, tho I was as fanatical as necessary when I was newer (8-02-1987), a bit less now, and a lot more trusting. Experience has deepened my trust. I'm pretty irreverent, actually. But I've found occasion to challenge myself on whether I really TRUST God or if that's just lip service I say at meetings. If I trust God, drinking is NOT my problem. It's God's problem.

That was proven to me when --- I didn't think this could happen to me, I was too smart and not "that" alcoholic --- I had a couple close calls very similar to that "whiskey and milk experiment" described in the book. I had thought, that's an interesting story, but that's crazy, that could never happen to me, but it did, over 20 years ago. I convinced myself that *tasting* Tanqueray with my tongue was ok, just not drinking it out of a glass. I got locked on the idea that I was curious if it tasted good or not. So I tasted it on my hand.

I had been to a prison meeting (service) earlier that day. I was at work. It was weird.

Here's how I came to TRUST God out of that, instead of lose trust. The moment I actually tasted it, my mind screamed MORE. But what happened next? I was suddenly gripped by terror and confusion. I freaked out. I put it down and ran to the pay phone. I could not reach my sponsor. I was going to leave the building, then I had the clear thought "NOW you're sane and safe. You FEEL crazy, but you already put it down. The problem was a few moments ago, when you felt perfectly sane and normal (like drinking lemonade). Then you were not sane, now you feel crazy but you've been restored to sanity. God, should I go back to work?"

Warm feeling. Trust. He handled that.

I was relieved. The program worked just as it said. I failed, as predicted, but the AA process and promises worked.

There was no way in heck I could "safe guard" myself against that, I didn't even see it coming, even though it seemed like I was fully conscious and aware of my actions. In retrospect, I went over the Whisky/Milk and other stories in my mind, like the guy who thought "a cocktail with dinner would be NICE" and forgot everything about his problem until he woke up in the hospital.

I'm pretty sure I had some thought like "this might not be a good idea". I was not even really aware of that thought, but I'm sure it was there, the moment "tasting" seemed like a great and very smart solution to my curiosity dilemma. I went through no arguments in my mind, I put up no fight ... just like they wrote in the Book. The warning if one had happened was way in the back of my mind, and the idea that a taste would be just fine was front-and-center.

So given my weakness and failure, I cannot know for sure when or if I will drink or not, but that's not any of MY business. I might drink myself to death, that's the meaning of Step One, coupled with the awareness/admission that I can't do anything about preventing that, directly. That's God's business, not mine. That's a tall order for faith. I believe it's the *only* method that really works for someone unpredictable like me. Sometimes I forget and try to take responsibility and get my hands on things, then I have to remember to let go. My job is to do what the Book suggests, and leave the Big Problems up to Him, otherwise I'd be sure to fail.

So therefore, I don't have to worry. I get to "don't worry, be happy". It's ironic.

I started out in AA working in food service where was around alcohol. I got really clear about the fact that it was not MY booze, it was my paying customers' booze. Not only that, all of them seemed to be normal lightweight drinkers, even genteel. They didn't drink like me, therefore THEY could drink safely, where I could not drink safely.

I had a "legitimate reason" for being there, as described succinctly on page 100-101. I even asked my sponsor about quitting (due to resentments, not temptation) and he told me not to be a quitter. This clearly taught me the difference between alcohol and alcoholism. Today, just as the Book says, I can go ANYWHERE on earth and not be afraid to be around other people's booze. I don't make a steady habit of it, but I could any time. I even learned to have more fun and be more personable sober than when drinking, to ADD to the festivities, as suggested, not to mourn my lack of ethylene.

I've even done kareoke sober, and I can't sing worth crap, but neither can many rock singers. (I picked songs by the Animals and the Doors.) I've been to Ivan Stang and Subgenius parties and seen some AAs there. I've been to quite a few electronic music events aka "raves", if I like the music. I've been camping. Dancing. Concerts. I've been to after-work parties at the bar. I've barteneded. I've been to an AA wedding where the groom bartended for a while for his family. God does not leave when I walk into any place like that.

It's so cool that I do not have to sacrifice living LIFE --- as it says in the Book -- just to stay sober. It hurts me that so many alcoholics think they have to become monks, or AA monks, and give up on fun, be on guard, be scared, as they are while NOT working/living the Steps, while I can do the opposite. (Caveat, early on, my concern with "old friends" was "old familiar ideas" before my "new ideas" and new way of living became stabilized.


Another book I read in my teens was "Journey to Ixtlan" by Carlos Castenada, full of magic and hallucinogenic plants, but also some wisdom. In the story, the "sorcerer-warrior" Don Juan is teaching his American protégé to "live as if every moment counts, as if Death is running behind you, waiting to tap you on the left shoulder." This made no sense to me at the time. It did not empower me. It frightened me. Ten years later or so, I find myself in AA where I live ONE day at a time, I"m only a few steps away from the next first drink, there's an element of unknowability and unpredictability, and "for me to drink is to DIE".

I'm finally living the awareness of Don Juan (or the author), and it truly is empowering and freeing. It's not nihilistic at all, nor morbid. It's just a cool groove, and that groove *is* reality, and not just my reality, it's reality for every living being and every human being. I can accept that uncertainty, and I was a security junkie who could not tolerate uncertainty and insecurity.

If this is less than coherent, blame lack of sleep, otherwise I hope it's helpful.

I think "visceral" in the previous post should be replaced with "tangible".

It is *possible* for the AA experience to help. AA is a way of life, not a classroom.

Why do alcoholics drink? The intro to the AA Big Book states the obvious. Men and women drink essentially because they like the feeling produced by alcohol. For some, the pursuit of that feeling becomes injurious ... yada yada. Then after it becomes injurious and is no longer purely a good feeling, i think we still pursue it like Pavlov's dogs, the memory of the good feeling, trying to recapture. As one writer said, he/she had one beer, but it was followed by several and a bottle of wine, and "it felt like home".

Who doesn't wish to feel "good"? Who does not want to feel "like home"? Who would wish to live a life deprived of ever feeling good or at home, when the solution seems so cheap and readily available?

That's the dilemma that AA --- with all it's cultural weirdnesses -- actually addresses, or at least I've heard it addressed that way. As anyone with even a casual awareness of religious concepts would know, feeling GOOD and being HOME are a metaphor for spirituality. The question is, how to get that "invisible" sort of "God" (as we understood Him) to replace the more visceral goodness and homeness of a good solid drinking experience.

I came to understand, after some time, that I was *born* with the experience of feeling "good" and "at home" and connected with The Universe, or at least the potential. I'm not sure, I was not self-aware at the time to be able to know how I felt at 1 or 2, but Mom tells me I was overjoyed to run away from her with my dirty diaper. I experienced Love (or OK-ness and well-being, security). I also experienced some fractures in Love.

I could do a total 5th step and recount my own love-fractures here, but I'll skip the tacky details. I was not subjected to childhood torture or any such obvious horror stories but i experienced my own personal fractures and the effects on my personality were what they were. The emptiness or void demanded to be filled.

People fill their voids with various things, I chose the more visceral solution, and it worked well, for a time. Honestly, some reds or tranqs with or without alcohol were even better, but that can also get out of hand very quickly and the walking amnesia and forgetfulness is unnerving.

Considering forgetfulness, our society teaches learning and remembering, and we always (we?) tend to remember pain and trauma and shock vs. normality. We don't learn the art of forgetting. The socially approved way of forgetting is getting drunk. AA actually teaches constructive forgetting, ironically via the process of remembering and recounting (4th Step) and THEN "turning the past over to god", which is forgetting in the Taoist sense. The past is a memory, intellectual, emotional, sometimes physical, maybe spiritual, but it's really an imaginary experience. Eyewitness testimony has proven that past events are subjective. How long was I trapped by my subjective interpretation of past events?

The future is purely imaginary, yet many people fear it, whether alcoholic or not. How can one fear something which arises from one's own imagination?

I self-studied the "Be Here Now" stuff and Taoism in my teens (when I started drinking, tripping, and taking sedatives too), but while it made sense intellectually, it made no difference to me. I was still lost. Years later, AA's concept of One Day at a Time started to make sense. The difference, besides developing and finding more mature and more pragmatic concepts of the "inscrutable" Asian ideas, was stated in the beginning of the AA Promises: "The Spiritual Life is not a Theory. We have to live it." In living it, the theories became real.

Whatever worthwhile faux christian concepts I adopted, they became real too. But I liked theorizing spiritual concepts more than acting on them. Acting required various forms of sacrifice.

Forgiveness, or myself or others, required surrendering my right to vengeance and judgment, aka playing God. Attending AA meetings required surrendering to inconvenience and sometimes sacrificing personal preference and pleasure. Helping others, especially irritating people, required other forms of self-sacrifice, sometimes money. Sharing of myself and my weaknesses, sometimes intimate sometimes less so, required surrendering aspects of privacy and pride and "looking good". Prayer for "Thy Will be done" requires a certain sacrifice of self-will and self-demanding. Making amends is a pride-destroyer. Sacrificing fear and worry meant surrendering my illusions about controlling the future. Self-love requires sacrificing self-pity.

Acquiring POWER, real power over one's life ("... as we felt new power flow in"), requires some sacrifice of the old power, the purely self-power.

Ultimately, the process requires a sacrifice of SELF (but the secret sometimes mentioned is that you probably wind up keeping a lot of your SELF, or it ends up being transformed to a better and more comfortable form of SELF, not some vacant non-entity, as long as you are willing to let go completely and trust that process). For example, I have a far better sense of humor and wit, and a deeper intellectual life, than the shallow unhumorless mind I had before. As the result, I am no longer driven by the craving for a chemical experience, or a chemical filter, to filter out my own be-ing and worldly fears.

Who wants to sacrifice or surrender all those things? Who is *willing* to do so, when the rubber meets the road? Some are NOT. (However, many have never been asked these questions in AA, imo.) The AA book asks these questions, not in the same words, but nearly so: Who wants to experience "leveling of our pride, as the experience requires?" This does not mean no self-worth, quite the opposite, this is an older 1930s meaning of the word "pride".

In conclusion, AA is (or can be) far far bigger and deeper than anything I ever imagined, and it's what I had sought for many years, even when I was getting high and doing martial arts and dreaming of some day traveling to China and becoming a disciple of some old blind warrior, like the Kung Fu television show. (Surely then I could discover the power to live.) Well, AA's a lot more mundane than that romantic idea of becoming a Kung Fu monk, but it seems to work.

My sincere hope is that this spewing will help someone find their way or search a little deeper, or failing that, be entertained for a few minutes.

KEEP COMING BACK to AA MEETINGs and Don't leave before the miracle happens.What worked for me(meetings,prayer,surrender ) will work for you,too.Only don't give up.God loves you still.

Love n Hugs

I'v been an alcoholic for 16 years, my Dad was also an alcoholic. It may be hard to believe but I'v been able to control my disease. I'v held a solid job for 10 years while after work drinking straight from a whiskey bottle. I don't get hangovers anymore, trick of that is drink lots of water while drinking the hard stuff keep yourself hydrated. I never drink to the point of passing out. I always drink at home and always take taxis if I'm out even for one beer. I just don't feel normal unless I'm buzzing, I find no joy in life unless I'm playing a video game drunk. I'm a happy drunk, I actually feel alive. I'm probably a rare case but it can be controlled.

I'v been an alcoholic for 16 years, my Dad was also an alcoholic. It may be hard to believe but I'v been able to control my disease. I'v held a solid job for 10 years while after work drinking straight from a whiskey bottle. I don't get hangovers anymore, trick of that is drink lots of water while drinking the hard stuff keep yourself hydrated. I never drink to the point of passing out. I always drink at home and always take taxis if I'm out even for one beer. I just don't feel normal unless I'm buzzing, I find no joy in life unless I'm playing a video game drunk. I'm a happy drunk, I actually feel alive. I'm probably a rare case but it can be controlled.

never give up trying to give up...