Still Battling It....

I'm an alcoholic. That's a fact. I'd like to say a 'reformed' alcoholic, but are we ever ? I don't think so. I think once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, even if you don't drink anymore. That's just a part of what we are, a shadow that'll follow us forever.

I've been searching for excuses, something or someone to blame my condition on, but without success. I didn't have a bad childhood, I didn't have a bad life, I have a loving family and loving friends. So why ?

I don't know. Was it the depression I had battled with for so long ? But then I should be rid of that problem now, shouldn't I , now that the depression is gone and everything is under control. But it's not.

I hadn't touched a drop in 79 days. Last night I had a relapse. It started with one can of beer, and that felt good. I should've left it at that, but I didn't. It ended in 3 cans of beer and a bottle of red wine. You know what the most frightening part of it all was ? It felt like home............

My friends came to collect me, one an alcoholic who's been sober for 5 years now, the other one an active alcoholic. I'm grateful for that, if not for them I would probably have had even MORE to drink, not been at work today and felt more miserable than I do now. My partner would have found out, one way or the other, meaning I would be single now and completely devastated. So let's say I was lucky. This time.........

I've so much to lose if I succumb to that evil again, SO MUCH. It's not worth it. It scares the living **** out of me........... I'm scared, every day of my life that I'll give in one day and go back to the bottle. I don't want to be scared anymore.

I've started going to AA meetings, my friend says it helps to get rid of the fear of alcohol. I have to do this, for myself. And I know I will succeed. It's not easy though, not easy at all...... and I'm so scared......


cleozabu19 cleozabu19
26-30, F
83 Responses Apr 7, 2008

Get yourself involved. Some interest outside of yourself will put a distance between you and your "fear".

AA works for me

Just back from my meeting --


if it works, stick with it.

Don't give up .it's better to try and fail than fail to try! Good luck xx

Well done so far. Hope you are still on top of the demon.

One comment from a recovering alcoholic now in Year Ten: you talk of losing your fear of alcohol but I actually don't want to lose that fear. The fear of alcohol and what one drink has the power to reduce me to is one of the most powerful motivations to keep me sober.

Use the fear as a positive tool and you will be empowered by that fear.

<p>Hi,<br />
It's been 5 years now that I have given up addiction...I can tell you It's wrong to identify yourself as an alocoholic or anything else...We are Born free and are forever free...From the core of our being we are really free from all these Identification and tendencies....My Addiction ,It's Gone forever and That is the reality...I am Human Being that is reality...I would not have been alive ..What really helped me was Yoga...It helped remove the dependency.. It made me realize my potential as a human being.. Please try googling for Sudarshan Kriya , a Yogic breathing Technique...This changed my life...I hope and pray that it helps you and your loved ones. I guarantee you will have a Smile on your face. :) God Bless</p>

almost 6 months sober now it can be done with the help of good friends and familey good luck all

I say, just don't drink today. It's ok to make mistakes. Get a sponsor, go to meetings, ask for help, join a group and get active in that group. You'll soon learn that not drinking is the easy part of recovery. It's the other crap we have to deal with that the tough part. That's where the suggestions come into play.
With the grace of god, and the simplicity of the program, I have not had the desire to drink in 9 months.
Good luck!

May I ask a basic question here? Why does this web site ask for no information, no questionnaire, and no invasion of privacy? Yet, the questions, and answers, are real. Sorry to interrupt the flow here, but this exact blog made me very curious.

because its not fb :)

i am in the very same state as you i was sober 95 days and then sliped i already am going to aa meetings and they do help you are not alone real friends are there for you and will help you through i am now sober again 6 days but every day is a strugle my thoughts are with you and i hope manage to have the strength and courage to continue to stay sober my name is Aiden and i am a alcoholic that will never change but each day i try good luck stay sfae

It is a slip. A relapse would be to continue and take you down the long rode down hill. I had a "slip" yesterday myself. If it helps you to say your an alcoholic then by no means do so. Years ago I also did myself but it didn't help me. Until I realized that I am merely an human being for which alcohol is a problem when I drink, I continued to spin my wheels. Let's just get over this moment and move on to a bigger and better obastacle in life.

Do NOT drink so you can admit you are an alcoholic. You must be out your ******* mind to tell someone that. Maybe a good idea not to give advice with a relapse the day before guy.

I concur. What's that idiot talking about? * points up

There was not one iota of advice that I gave. I am far from out of my mind also. I can tell however that you must be quite brilliant and have a much deeper understanding of the human condition than I, so its great that you can share in such a profound way. I am sure your comment to me really helped the person with the issue.

I just added a comment to you just a few minutes ago and as I read it I started to cry because if I could hold your hand and say you can do it ..a song is playing (country ) its called the good stuff.. I want you to be strong thnx again (big boys don,t cry ) oh

I can only comend you for your courage,to tell everyone I,m an alcoholic..I lost my last wife to Jake Daniels..oh how I hate him,,I drank heavily till I found something in my life that would not tolerate drinking,,I,m a professional Truck driver now,,we are drug tested frequintly and alcohol also..If I fail I lose my job I lost my wife look deep inside you and see if you can find what realy is important to you,,,I think you said your relationship ,,do it for you and then your relationship,don,t be afraid to fall you,ve got training wheels, look in the mirror and say to yourself I,m proud of you today you can contribute more sober than drunk. my love and prayers to you .trust in God he listens even though he wont tell you he does

Please pray about it.

I will always be an alcoholic -- even though I celebrated 34 years sober this past Nov. My reprieve is, I feel, due to surrendering, joining AA and depending on my Higher Power each day. What a trip!!

Congrats! I now a 12 step program is for life, my alcoholic husband left me after a year sobriety got divorce he was very mean, I was going to al alnon then and still continue to go, he..I am not sure what he is doing and it is none of my business, he got drunk before his 2 years aniversary and came back trying to convince me to take him back, he was nicer drunk than sober, I did not take him back and he has not talk to me or our boys for a year now! He is dating younger woman he is 56 his date 30. Never made amends to me just to our oldest son, I believe he is a dry drunk, I am ready or think I am for my step 9, but I do not know if I should call him? our last conversation was not good and he called the police to make sure I will never contact him again!. Any advise from your experience on what should I do. I am moving on but my 9 step is important to me.

Just for Today....I have been trying and trying and trying for almost two decades, but I have not given up the hope for sobriety. So many jails, so many ruined relationships....BUT it can get so much worse. I have almost lost everything, but I have not. I still have so much. I must remember to not take that first drink, because then that drink will take a drink and then that drink will take me. It has happened too many times.

Beyond "sober" and beyond "clean" there is God. That's what takes care of the fear for me. I spent a good part of my life drinking and drugging to mask the fear and the pain of being "less than". It got so bad that my morning after ritual was to stick a finger down my throat to upchuck the poison I had ingested the night before, backed up by a beer I'd steal from my dad's stash, then I'd lock myself in the bedroom, throw a blanket by the crack of the door and light up some pot and, if i had it, a line of cocaine just to get rid of the hangover and be "set for the day". Gratfully I was exposed to AA by run ins with the law and if it hadn't of been for that I would be dead now. The 12 steps I consider to be God's gift to mankind and they are 100% effective. So my best suggestion to you is don't drink or drug, go to meetings and read the first 164 pages of the Big Book. It's pretty easy to spot it's a big blue book with the title Alcoholics Anonymous on it. Take care and Godspeed.

Hello friends.....<br />
<br />
At first I didnt think i had a problem, I was miserable in my marriage for no reason, i suffered depression, i suffer from major anxiety, and my father is sick... So when I would drink a small bottle of wine in one sitting I didn't see anything wrong, Well Alcohol has ruined my marriage. It got to the point I had to drink everyday. Like if I didn't I felt weird and my husband started noticing my habit and how the only time I would pick a fight with him was when I would drink. Oh he was no better than me, having a cocaine problem in his late twenties before we got married, but he went to rehab for that and got clean. I am not knocking people who go to rehab and I know they only want the best for you, however i used to hate when he would tell me to go to AA meetings, or that I had a problem that I was showing all the signs. <br />
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In the the back of my head I am saying to myself " really dude.. You were addicted to cocaine" ... though an addiction is an addiction it would frustrate me that the advice was coming from him... at the current time we are seperated. Strangely enough he relapased and ended up in the hospital, and i continued to drink , but the weird thing is , my drinking is not so heavy now. I am starting to think that he was the reason I was drinking. or was it many reasons. Whatever the reason is , I can't blame anyone but myself... I have a drink here and there now, and you would think that now that I am on my own I would be drinking more. However , I don't. <br />
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I am going to go to an AA meeting just to see if I am indeed an alcoholic. I think my definition used to be a person who would wake up drinking and drank all day. However an alcoholic is a person who needs it period. Doesnt matter if you wait to get home for that drink, or stop at the bar after work for it, or socially drink with friends a little too much. Or home drinking alone. <br />
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It's a battle for me, and that alone says i need help. For all those suffering my heart goes out , because I too can relate to this demon. I pray we can face the world and be happy without having to have a drink to feel happy! <br />
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Good luck to all!<br />
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Good on ya. Your not under any illusion that u can drink like a non alcoholic anymore. Good clear thinking ability on ur part. Now get to those AA meets wont you.<br />
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Check out tinybuddha - this blog about dealing with regret and moving forward may help. “Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be.” -Marsha Petrie Sue<br />
<br />
Check out tinybuddha - this blog about dealing with regret and moving forward may help. “Stay away from what might have been and look at what will be.” -Marsha Petrie Sue

The actual fear of alcohol was something that helped keep me sober in the beginning. I was afraid to take another drink and I was also afraid to face life without one. I knew that for me to drink was for me to die and I didn't want to die. I no longer fear alcohol, but I know and accept that it is just not an option for me as an escape from life or for a way to celebrate life. I don't miss it, and I have a pretty good life, actually an amazing life, compared to what it was when I was a practicing alcoholic. AA is a program for living and it teaches me how to have a happy, healthy life and provides me with tools to live by. I have met so many great people in the rooms and so many out of the rooms since I have been on this journey. It is a process, it takes time to grow and I had to really want to change my life. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back into recovery. It works!!! Good luck!

Just keep on putting on foot in front of the other and hang on to GOD he will come through for you I know I have been there,even when you fall in your falling ask GOD for the strenght to get up again and do not be so unhappy with yourself, just keep going on one day at a time.GOD LOVES YOU.

I am a strong believer that in Order to get something, virtually anything, you need to pay the price. Sometimes, the price is monetary, sometimes you need to pay with your time, your energy, but you need to pay the price.<br />
<br />
Jimmy choo

comment: I know how you feel, I have been sober 15 months tomorrow. There is always the chance that I will drink again if I do not safe guard myself every day.<br />
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I'm going to add something but not in the spirit of criticism. I do not believe in trying to "safe guard my SELF" every day or at all. What a drag. What a scary self-obsessive way to live, on edge all the time. (Maybe I'm reading too much into what you wrote.)<br />
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I do believe in what it says in Step 10 in the AA Big Book. It says upon making a certain amount of progress on the Steps, the problem has been removed. It's important to read that in context. I do take seriously that notion that I choose to trust and rely on God (a w u h) with my alcoholism and drinking, and with the "strange mental blank spots" described in Chap 3. And therefore with my Life. It's not even "my" Life anymore. I should already be long-dead.<br />
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I do have a responsibility in the process. "... as long as we stick close to him and perform his work well." So that's what I have to do to be free. This is not to say I'm fanatically religious, tho I was as fanatical as necessary when I was newer (8-02-1987), a bit less now, and a lot more trusting. Experience has deepened my trust. I'm pretty irreverent, actually. But I've found occasion to challenge myself on whether I really TRUST God or if that's just lip service I say at meetings. If I trust God, drinking is NOT my problem. It's God's problem.<br />
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That was proven to me when --- I didn't think this could happen to me, I was too smart and not "that" alcoholic --- I had a couple close calls very similar to that "whiskey and milk experiment" described in the book. I had thought, that's an interesting story, but that's crazy, that could never happen to me, but it did, over 20 years ago. I convinced myself that *tasting* Tanqueray with my tongue was ok, just not drinking it out of a glass. I got locked on the idea that I was curious if it tasted good or not. So I tasted it on my hand.<br />
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I had been to a prison meeting (service) earlier that day. I was at work. It was weird.<br />
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Here's how I came to TRUST God out of that, instead of lose trust. The moment I actually tasted it, my mind screamed MORE. But what happened next? I was suddenly gripped by terror and confusion. I freaked out. I put it down and ran to the pay phone. I could not reach my sponsor. I was going to leave the building, then I had the clear thought "NOW you're sane and safe. You FEEL crazy, but you already put it down. The problem was a few moments ago, when you felt perfectly sane and normal (like drinking lemonade). Then you were not sane, now you feel crazy but you've been restored to sanity. God, should I go back to work?"<br />
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Warm feeling. Trust. He handled that.<br />
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I was relieved. The program worked just as it said. I failed, as predicted, but the AA process and promises worked.<br />
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There was no way in heck I could "safe guard" myself against that, I didn't even see it coming, even though it seemed like I was fully conscious and aware of my actions. In retrospect, I went over the Whisky/Milk and other stories in my mind, like the guy who thought "a cocktail with dinner would be NICE" and forgot everything about his problem until he woke up in the hospital. <br />
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I'm pretty sure I had some thought like "this might not be a good idea". I was not even really aware of that thought, but I'm sure it was there, the moment "tasting" seemed like a great and very smart solution to my curiosity dilemma. I went through no arguments in my mind, I put up no fight ... just like they wrote in the Book. The warning if one had happened was way in the back of my mind, and the idea that a taste would be just fine was front-and-center.<br />
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So given my weakness and failure, I cannot know for sure when or if I will drink or not, but that's not any of MY business. I might drink myself to death, that's the meaning of Step One, coupled with the awareness/admission that I can't do anything about preventing that, directly. That's God's business, not mine. That's a tall order for faith. I believe it's the *only* method that really works for someone unpredictable like me. Sometimes I forget and try to take responsibility and get my hands on things, then I have to remember to let go. My job is to do what the Book suggests, and leave the Big Problems up to Him, otherwise I'd be sure to fail.<br />
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So therefore, I don't have to worry. I get to "don't worry, be happy". It's ironic.<br />
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I started out in AA working in food service where was around alcohol. I got really clear about the fact that it was not MY booze, it was my paying customers' booze. Not only that, all of them seemed to be normal lightweight drinkers, even genteel. They didn't drink like me, therefore THEY could drink safely, where I could not drink safely.<br />
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I had a "legitimate reason" for being there, as described succinctly on page 100-101. I even asked my sponsor about quitting (due to resentments, not temptation) and he told me not to be a quitter. This clearly taught me the difference between alcohol and alcoholism. Today, just as the Book says, I can go ANYWHERE on earth and not be afraid to be around other people's booze. I don't make a steady habit of it, but I could any time. I even learned to have more fun and be more personable sober than when drinking, to ADD to the festivities, as suggested, not to mourn my lack of ethylene.<br />
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I've even done kareoke sober, and I can't sing worth crap, but neither can many rock singers. (I picked songs by the Animals and the Doors.) I've been to Ivan Stang and Subgenius parties and seen some AAs there. I've been to quite a few electronic music events aka "raves", if I like the music. I've been camping. Dancing. Concerts. I've been to after-work parties at the bar. I've barteneded. I've been to an AA wedding where the groom bartended for a while for his family. God does not leave when I walk into any place like that.<br />
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It's so cool that I do not have to sacrifice living LIFE --- as it says in the Book -- just to stay sober. It hurts me that so many alcoholics think they have to become monks, or AA monks, and give up on fun, be on guard, be scared, as they are while NOT working/living the Steps, while I can do the opposite. (Caveat, early on, my concern with "old friends" was "old familiar ideas" before my "new ideas" and new way of living became stabilized.<br />
<br />
-------<br />
Another book I read in my teens was "Journey to Ixtlan" by Carlos Castenada, full of magic and hallucinogenic plants, but also some wisdom. In the story, the "sorcerer-warrior" Don Juan is teaching his American protégé to "live as if every moment counts, as if Death is running behind you, waiting to tap you on the left shoulder." This made no sense to me at the time. It did not empower me. It frightened me. Ten years later or so, I find myself in AA where I live ONE day at a time, I"m only a few steps away from the next first drink, there's an element of unknowability and unpredictability, and "for me to drink is to DIE". <br />
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I'm finally living the awareness of Don Juan (or the author), and it truly is empowering and freeing. It's not nihilistic at all, nor morbid. It's just a cool groove, and that groove *is* reality, and not just my reality, it's reality for every living being and every human being. I can accept that uncertainty, and I was a security junkie who could not tolerate uncertainty and insecurity.<br />
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If this is less than coherent, blame lack of sleep, otherwise I hope it's helpful.

I think "visceral" in the previous post should be replaced with "tangible".

It is *possible* for the AA experience to help. AA is a way of life, not a classroom.<br />
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Why do alcoholics drink? The intro to the AA Big Book states the obvious. Men and women drink essentially because they like the feeling produced by alcohol. For some, the pursuit of that feeling becomes injurious ... yada yada. Then after it becomes injurious and is no longer purely a good feeling, i think we still pursue it like Pavlov's dogs, the memory of the good feeling, trying to recapture. As one writer said, he/she had one beer, but it was followed by several and a bottle of wine, and "it felt like home".<br />
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Who doesn't wish to feel "good"? Who does not want to feel "like home"? Who would wish to live a life deprived of ever feeling good or at home, when the solution seems so cheap and readily available?<br />
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That's the dilemma that AA --- with all it's cultural weirdnesses -- actually addresses, or at least I've heard it addressed that way. As anyone with even a casual awareness of religious concepts would know, feeling GOOD and being HOME are a metaphor for spirituality. The question is, how to get that "invisible" sort of "God" (as we understood Him) to replace the more visceral goodness and homeness of a good solid drinking experience.<br />
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I came to understand, after some time, that I was *born* with the experience of feeling "good" and "at home" and connected with The Universe, or at least the potential. I'm not sure, I was not self-aware at the time to be able to know how I felt at 1 or 2, but Mom tells me I was overjoyed to run away from her with my dirty diaper. I experienced Love (or OK-ness and well-being, security). I also experienced some fractures in Love.<br />
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I could do a total 5th step and recount my own love-fractures here, but I'll skip the tacky details. I was not subjected to childhood torture or any such obvious horror stories but i experienced my own personal fractures and the effects on my personality were what they were. The emptiness or void demanded to be filled.<br />
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People fill their voids with various things, I chose the more visceral solution, and it worked well, for a time. Honestly, some reds or tranqs with or without alcohol were even better, but that can also get out of hand very quickly and the walking amnesia and forgetfulness is unnerving.<br />
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Considering forgetfulness, our society teaches learning and remembering, and we always (we?) tend to remember pain and trauma and shock vs. normality. We don't learn the art of forgetting. The socially approved way of forgetting is getting drunk. AA actually teaches constructive forgetting, ironically via the process of remembering and recounting (4th Step) and THEN "turning the past over to god", which is forgetting in the Taoist sense. The past is a memory, intellectual, emotional, sometimes physical, maybe spiritual, but it's really an imaginary experience. Eyewitness testimony has proven that past events are subjective. How long was I trapped by my subjective interpretation of past events?<br />
<br />
The future is purely imaginary, yet many people fear it, whether alcoholic or not. How can one fear something which arises from one's own imagination?<br />
<br />
I self-studied the "Be Here Now" stuff and Taoism in my teens (when I started drinking, tripping, and taking sedatives too), but while it made sense intellectually, it made no difference to me. I was still lost. Years later, AA's concept of One Day at a Time started to make sense. The difference, besides developing and finding more mature and more pragmatic concepts of the "inscrutable" Asian ideas, was stated in the beginning of the AA Promises: "The Spiritual Life is not a Theory. We have to live it." In living it, the theories became real.<br />
<br />
Whatever worthwhile faux christian concepts I adopted, they became real too. But I liked theorizing spiritual concepts more than acting on them. Acting required various forms of sacrifice. <br />
<br />
Forgiveness, or myself or others, required surrendering my right to vengeance and judgment, aka playing God. Attending AA meetings required surrendering to inconvenience and sometimes sacrificing personal preference and pleasure. Helping others, especially irritating people, required other forms of self-sacrifice, sometimes money. Sharing of myself and my weaknesses, sometimes intimate sometimes less so, required surrendering aspects of privacy and pride and "looking good". Prayer for "Thy Will be done" requires a certain sacrifice of self-will and self-demanding. Making amends is a pride-destroyer. Sacrificing fear and worry meant surrendering my illusions about controlling the future. Self-love requires sacrificing self-pity.<br />
<br />
Acquiring POWER, real power over one's life ("... as we felt new power flow in"), requires some sacrifice of the old power, the purely self-power.<br />
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Ultimately, the process requires a sacrifice of SELF (but the secret sometimes mentioned is that you probably wind up keeping a lot of your SELF, or it ends up being transformed to a better and more comfortable form of SELF, not some vacant non-entity, as long as you are willing to let go completely and trust that process). For example, I have a far better sense of humor and wit, and a deeper intellectual life, than the shallow unhumorless mind I had before. As the result, I am no longer driven by the craving for a chemical experience, or a chemical filter, to filter out my own be-ing and worldly fears.<br />
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Who wants to sacrifice or surrender all those things? Who is *willing* to do so, when the rubber meets the road? Some are NOT. (However, many have never been asked these questions in AA, imo.) The AA book asks these questions, not in the same words, but nearly so: Who wants to experience "leveling of our pride, as the experience requires?" This does not mean no self-worth, quite the opposite, this is an older 1930s meaning of the word "pride".<br />
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In conclusion, AA is (or can be) far far bigger and deeper than anything I ever imagined, and it's what I had sought for many years, even when I was getting high and doing martial arts and dreaming of some day traveling to China and becoming a disciple of some old blind warrior, like the Kung Fu television show. (Surely then I could discover the power to live.) Well, AA's a lot more mundane than that romantic idea of becoming a Kung Fu monk, but it seems to work.<br />
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My sincere hope is that this spewing will help someone find their way or search a little deeper, or failing that, be entertained for a few minutes.

KEEP COMING BACK to AA MEETINGs and Don't leave before the miracle happens.What worked for me(meetings,prayer,surrender ) will work for you,too.Only don't give up.God loves you still.<br />
Love n Hugs

I'v been an alcoholic for 16 years, my Dad was also an alcoholic. It may be hard to believe but I'v been able to control my disease. I'v held a solid job for 10 years while after work drinking straight from a whiskey bottle. I don't get hangovers anymore, trick of that is drink lots of water while drinking the hard stuff keep yourself hydrated. I never drink to the point of passing out. I always drink at home and always take taxis if I'm out even for one beer. I just don't feel normal unless I'm buzzing, I find no joy in life unless I'm playing a video game drunk. I'm a happy drunk, I actually feel alive. I'm probably a rare case but it can be controlled.

I'v been an alcoholic for 16 years, my Dad was also an alcoholic. It may be hard to believe but I'v been able to control my disease. I'v held a solid job for 10 years while after work drinking straight from a whiskey bottle. I don't get hangovers anymore, trick of that is drink lots of water while drinking the hard stuff keep yourself hydrated. I never drink to the point of passing out. I always drink at home and always take taxis if I'm out even for one beer. I just don't feel normal unless I'm buzzing, I find no joy in life unless I'm playing a video game drunk. I'm a happy drunk, I actually feel alive. I'm probably a rare case but it can be controlled.

never give up trying to give up...

Yes you can do it, because you are in charge, not the alcohol, nobody can control you, you are the only on who can, trust me! I know that from my own experience with alcohol.

Dear Cleo,<br />
I don't drink or do drugs, but I do understand your fear. Don't be affraid. Be strong at will and teach your brain to say " I am done with it" I can fight this battle and win". I am sure it is tempting for you, but see it as a challenge that you want to win. Once you win you will feel like Cristopher Columbus and you will feel so good about it that every other obstacle you confront will be easy. Life is a test, it is not easy, but it is to us to score with an A+. You can do it if you really want to. Just think positive and avoid going to bars or buying alcohol for guest etc. Just think...why do I do it? why do I destroying myself? think of all the reasons that make you drink so you can program your brain to say.... I don't want to do it anymore. I am done with it and want to leave clean. Many people that depend from alcohol I believe is because they don't know how to overcome problems. They don't speak up when in trouble or when treated wrong. They dwell in alcohol to feel better, but that is wrong. People that drink tothe extreme do it to forget problems, but guess wake up next morning and reality is you are sick and the problem is still with you and you are not fixing yourself up, but you are getting worse. The depression you had only you know it, but if you haven't overcome it, that is why you are depending on alcohol to be your dwelling place. That is wrong. If you are a believer, go to your church and in silence learn how to ask for wisdom, guidance and strength and you will receive it. Perseverance is the key to success. If you believe in God, but don't want to go to chuch because you are not ready, close your eyes at home, when you are alone and let your heart speak to you. It is amazing to let God own your life. Never give up on life Believe in yourself and you will conquer the world so you can win this battle. Life is beautiful and you deserve to live it with happiness. Give it a shot and become a winner. You need to experience how great you will feel when you are all clean! You need to speak up and express the aches your heart want to say if you want to heel, but without alcohol, but speaking in peace. Sometime we say I don't feel like going to church, but you can still pray at home with a strong faith to overcome all those challenges that life present us. Make of your heart a dwelling place to win!<br />
<br />
Good luck and I hope my advice will help you=)

just be glad that your on the right path---- dont be so hard on yourself-- my husband drinks every day and refuses to believe that he has a problem--at least your making an effort......

I was a heavy drinker from age 18-39. The only reason I stopped, is because I became sick, and I couldn't drink. I wished that I had never began to drink. I would tell anyone don't drink alcohol ever. Especially if you have low self esteem,depression, low self confidence, or an abusive family. Those were my reasons. If you need to talk I am here.

I'm an alcoholic who tries to substitute it with excersing and running...problem is i cant do those things if I'm drinking..ironic..I 've been in and out of A.A. for the past 8 years and I'm 34. I dont think I really want to stop yet but I know i feel 100% better when i do. i guess that is the disease talking..I will continue to visit this post..Funny thing is , i came to this sit to ask about weight loss and i ended up here. Something isnt right.

never Quit, Quiting.....all any of really have is today, solber...keep it simple, I think were afraid of success.

Addictions bad for your breath but it does help you sweat bullets which can make you decide what you like and what you don't. All-conforming sucks I still find time to disagree and let people know that they are loved by an addicted pawn of god.

i also am an alocholic and it has been expesicaaly rough this week..ive only been sober for a couple weeks and the waves are hitting me hard..i make no excuses for me being this way,but i never srunk untill i met my husband which drank...and got me trying this and that.but it was my choice father and sister are alcoholics,i didnt have a great child hood but i dont blame that...i dont know if it really is genetic or if its just our choice..i use to do drugs.i quit them cold turkey..yes every once in a while ill get a craving for them but i can overcome that with no problem...but the alcohol is the struggling bad today but i hope ill get alot of prayers and i will be praying that i want fell...<br />
i do wish you the best and stay strong....

I know, it's a constant battle. I come from a family of addicts, my father is an addict and just had a heart attach at 45 ~ went to the ER twice in less than a month. My sister is also a recovering addict and going through it all really hurts. I am also married to an alcoholic. It's hard when you have to deal with those addictions ~ although we cannot do anything for them ~ I believe standing next to them through it all helps a little, but change can only happen starting with No. 1. <br />
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Keep it up, I'm sure you will find a way to make it through. God bless and best wishes....

Hey Cleo,<br />
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I have no real first hand experience with this, hell I just turned 21 a few months ago. But to put things into perspective I guess... I never got to say good-bye to my grandfather and I was the last person to see him that day. It was new years eve and it looked liked he was just going on a few errands before the family got together that night and it was about mid day. about 2 o clock new years morning no one had heard from him, and then the police called. they called to tell us he had died of a heart attack in the parking lot of his favorite bar. it was a long time before my family got over it, my uncle especially couldn't forgive him for the longest time. Now i'm not saying this will happen to you. You see your problem and all the precious things in your life that you will lose if this continues and I believe that will be enough to keep you on the right path. Just keep your eye on the goal and not the obstacles.

You know what the most frightening part of it all was ? It felt like home............I can TOTALLY understand this. I went through rehab FOR SOMEONE ELSE in February. I still drink...but just not around my husband. I think I am doing ok because I stop at 3..and I matter how my brain screams for more...i don't leave the house...(and I am NOT patting myself on the back here)...I MISS the social side of drinking.....seeing friends enjoy drinks at a bar...a funeral with no booze for me...but everyone else having a drink to celebrate a life....a wedding toast I cannot make....I cannot speak from any kind of experience beyond my own pain...I say, like most people here, get over the relapse, don't use it as an excuse to keep going...and go back to not is what it is.....

knowing you have the problem and knowing its wrong doesnt stop us from having moments of weakness at times...dont let it bring you so down and remember why you want to be sober,and dont look for exuses to only works if you want it....


I kind of know how you feel but kind of not, your story kind of scares me in a way, I WAS an alcoholic, I've been sober for 5 years and I don't want past memories to catch up to me. I'm terrified of turning 21 because when I do I will be able to buy my own alcohol and risk the chance of becoming an alcoholic again. Wow I'm talking about my own problems, sorry. I hope you succeed in your attempts to say sober =)

please please hang in there, my husband had a problem with the bottle and had a very good life going on.. he knew he had the problem and wint to support groups and extensvie rehabs and would go for a few monthes at a time without drinking, but just this last monday april 06 I became a widow at age 45 my husband died of liver failure, and he ddint want to leave this way or me wondering what i did to cause this one of the few thinkgs in the hospital i remember his saying his tthat he didnt want to die he wanted to live... But it was indeed to late i sat there and watched my husband slip from this earth for 7 days

It was comments like all of these that kept me away from alcohol during the last few day's. i am an alcoholic . I got out of a bad relationship with an active alcoholic, he just found another female active alcoholic to pass the time with. I read alot of stories on EP, but dont usually comment on them not having the faith in my-self to do it. I know what u are going through , i relapsed a couple of times ,the last time was 6 month's ago. I am in councilling for a long time now and find it a great help to me . I stopped going to AA , but i know i will go back . I want to stay sober more than anything in the world , if i drink again i will loose everything . The first 2 years i got sobre ,i could not sleep at night without the light on ,i had so much bottled up fear since childhood the alcohol surpressed it. I am facing my demons now , thats hard to do but its worth it . I watched my sister and brother die of liver failure and it was heartbreaking, they were both young ,i do not want to die that way. Alcohol is poison to us . I wish u all the best in you'r recovery and if u need a chat im here.

Just because I hate to see people suffering, I want to pass on that there is a cure for alcoholism. Nobody wants it. AA would be reduced to a sixth its current size. The Betty Ford clinic would go out of business. The makers of benzodiazapine would take huge losses.<br />
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If you're interested, it's called the Sinclair Method. In clinical studies it turned 87% of its patients into people who could drink without overdrinking, who could be bored with the idea of drinking. I get really tired of seeing people ruin their lives when there's an easy solution.

My father is an alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I remember them fighting when my dad came home wasted. I remember one specific incident when my mom took a giant heavy crystal ashtray and whipped it at him. They were done after that. We moved in with my grandparents and on to a new condo. I saw my dad sparingly throughout my childhood (probably better that way). Once he showed up at our place drunk. He was banging on the door, yelling at my mom to let him see his girls. I was about 9, I think. He insisted that he wasn't drunk and all he had that day was orange pop. His alcoholism turned to an addiction to other drugs (doesn't it usually). He got a tattoo of a crescent moon smoking a joint on his arm, went to Alaska on a 6 month coke binge, came home,went to AA, got clean, fell off, went to jail for a few DUIs. He decided that he could handle drinking 3 pt. beer, because it was less addictive. I stopped talking to him after that (by then I was about 20). I saw him at funerals, that was it. When his mom passed away 3 years ago I saw him doing shots of whiskey in the funeral home parking lot. I didn't talk to him or see him again until his sister passed away in Feb. of 07. I invited him to my wedding because it was the right thing to do. He came to the church late, drunk again. He didn't come to my reception ( I should send him a bill). I haven't talked to him since 11/24/07. <br />
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The point to this novel is this. You only have so many chances to get your **** together. One relapse will turn to 2 and 3 and the next thing you know everything you love is gone and you are sittin on a barstool.<br />
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If you don't care enough to get clean for yourself do you think your loved ones will? Alcoholism is a disease of selfishness. Do you want to be THAT guy anymore.....

Stay strong. It's an addiction. And with any addiction it takes time. My mother was an alcoholic for most of my childhood. But, by the grace of GOD she quit. After many years of trying she just up and quit one day. I know my mother dealt with depression. Alcohol was her escape from with daily stress. All I wanted to say is that recovery is possible. It takes time and work. I'm sure know this already. But, have faith in yourself to overcome this disease.


Alcoholism is a disease. It killed my Dad, who was sober for 3+ years until his death. Some people inherit the tendency to drink.......I got the compulsive traits & OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). <br />
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Please sorround yourself w/sober people, for your sanity's sake. Prayer doesn't hurt, either. <br />
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God bless you & I hope you learn to control your demons & remain sober for your health & well-being. But remember -- it's still a DISEASE. Don't beat yourself up, just do your best!!! <br />
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I'm praying for your sobriety.

In October I celebrated 6 years of sobriety. AA gave me hope. The steps worked. Stop "battling" it an dance with it instead. The more you fight, the more unhappy you will become, and the more likely you are to pick up a drink. At first it was minute-by-minute for me. Gradually I applied the steps more often, making for happier days. Remember, you are not a bad person. You are a ill person who made many mistakes. Screw guilt! Do that 4th step then the rest and you feel a lot better. The awakening WILL occur and the desire to drink WILL be removed. It needn't "haunt" you ever again.<br />
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The Big book was written in a kind tone- no humiliation, no degredation, no insults. There are some rude ones in AA who slam you with insults get to you. This isn't necessary. I found an AA group with kind folks who have the AA spirit. The Promises on pages 86-88 WILL come true for you. Good luck!

I wish you all the best. Don't give up hope. Try and try again.

i've been sober for 3 days and now looking at inpatient/outpatient treatment. i'm a physician who stopped practicing in order to drink and do drugs. i was so %%%%%%%% tired of taking care of people that i failed to take care of myself. so its been six months and now financially i have to return to work. im deathly afraid of not being able to be sober and afraid of being sob er. i have to be monitored for 36 months so that is going to help. 15 years ago i went to treatment for cocaine now its methamphetamine. im a tough $$$$$$ though and i refuse to let the drug win. soldier up get back on the wagon and live for today thats all we got. believe me im blessed to have anything left.

For me staying sober is easy because I am an active member of aa! I will tell you what was hard. Finding ways and means to drink and use dope every day. Riding in the back of cop cars. Bullet holes in the walls of my home and fist holes through every door in my home, guilt, remorse and shame!.......THAT **** WAS HARD! If you are anything like me when it comes to drinking you don't have a choice just like diabetics don't have a chioce wether they get sick or not they need their medicine.<br />
When the thought of a drink comes I ask myself..."Do I want to live or die?" To drink is to die!

"If someone pigeonholes me I will do the opposite so not to conform." Typical alcoholic personality.<br />
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"I have just refilled my wine bottle with water so my husband does not know how much i have had to drink." Hiding your drinking from loved ones, a sure sign of alcoholism.<br />
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"Mind over matter". If it were that easy, none of us would get help. If you had cancer, would you try to treat it with "mind over matter?"

Getting to AA is important, but try to find those specific meetings that work for you. Attitude adjust. or reflection, which ever is best for you. <br />
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Coming from a relapsed and active drinker: It is not worth it. You will lose more than you care to if you are not careful. Dont end up like me! ;)

Yes, I too enjoy the demon drink. It can start with a glass of wine and end 2 bottles plus. In face tonight I have jsut refilled my wine bottle with water so my husband does not know how much i have had to drink while he has been out. Bad, yes. An alcoholic I daren't admit it. He works away and I have given myselfthat date when he goes. If I don't quit when he is away I know I have a problem and I will get help. Mind over matter and I am a stubborn cow. If someone pigeonholes me I will do the opposite so not to conform. Have faith. be strong. Fight what people think of you. Show them you can do it. like I will.

Once a cucumber becomes a pickle; it stays a pickle. I'm an alcoholic, and I've been an alcoholic for 40 years. The only thing that's changed is that I've haven't had a drink in 8 years.<br />
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If you went out for some R&D, dust yourself off and come back in. Maybe you just haven't had that last drink yet; maybe tings haven't gotten bad enough for you to scream "Uncle". Maybe the pain hasn't gotten bad enough yet. Everybody's bottom is different.

if we don't make mistakes we couldn't learn a better way

It's Thyrsday...Are you sober>>>>Did you get up and go to a meeting>>>>>>>Did you pickup a desire chips.<br />
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You just goota work the program. One Day at the Time.<br />
A lot of people have given you comments and assistance. We are all here to help you. reach out and let us.

Get smart and get all the alcohol out of your house. Get a sponsor and go to meetings. Being sober is not easy. Its hard, its difficult and everyone has a hard time staying sober. I've got 22 years and I am still just one drink away from a drunk. It doesn't mater if it genes or where it came. You have the disease of alcoholism. It will never be cured. However, you can live a "sober" life. Read the Big Book. Get a sponsor that has been sober for a while. Don't look for a friend as a sponsor. She needs to be tough on you and you won't relapse. Start over today. Pick up a desire chip. Go to as many meeting as possible. Get the alcohol out of your house. Go to a meeting tonight. There are meeting all over. Get up and GO!

My husband is an alcoholic. He went through rehab this past summer and so far he hasn't had anything to drink. Two weeks ago, he got his 60 day button from AA and I'm so proud of him. We're trying to take things one day at a time because our marriage was practically ruined before he went into rehab - I had even filed for divorce because things were so bad. I think the divorce papers were what motivated him to go away to rehab an to get sober. Good luck to you - I KNOW you can do it. Remember - just take things a day at a time.

All "recovering alcoholics" are just lije you. It will only take one drink to put them back in the darkness of alcolis. I do know what its like that first year. One has to give up so much to be sober. Om the end you will fimd your AA friend provide your more companionship than any man could ask for. Please go to a meeting. They even have meetings on line 24 hours a day. <br />
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Once an Alcoholic for ever an alcoholic it is true.I have been sober and clean for over three years. It wasn't until I realized that I could not change that ,my life would not change,that I was going to die that way. It's a life long desease. So I had to make a choice die drinking or die sober . That choice was mind. I choose to life sober and clean I found help from people with the same problem. Like they say only alcoholic can help alcoholic because we understand what you are going though. So go to meeting and share your storie not only will you help your self but will help others also. Relapse is a sign that you need to do more work in your recovery. All ready you have people on this board that wants to help you. Thank you for sharing

Dear Friend<br />
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This works<br />
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each time you want to drink...............just pray to God earnestly ...........saying.............Dear Jesus i cant stop this habit but i pray that you will help me to stop this habit.........Amen<br />
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after this prayer..........and if you still feel like drinking..........just go a head ..........But Keep praying........i tell you friend it may take time but the day will come when you will turn your back on to this habit................Try this .........and when you are successful share it with your friend.....

AA works...just two years under my belt and I have a life I never dreamed I could have...just got home from my 8:30, chairing one tonite at 7 and run down the road to a 9 o'clock after that. Surround yourself with the good sober folks, the fellowship is there for all of us, Don't let the bastard win...

I just passed my 7th year of no alcohol. I really know I have had a life of hell even without alcohol. I can see myself as a drinker, but not anymore. My neighbor is a complete alcoholic and a Vietnam veteran. He tried to quit and yesterday, he came over and wanted me to take him to get a beer...I offered to take him to the VA instead. We went and I thought I was doing a wonderful thing for him. The VA would not take him that night and the next day he got is check and did what I told the VA doctor he would do. The doctor ask him if the only reason he did not drink was because he ran out of money. He told him that he did want to quit but he was afraid that if he got any money he would do the same thing. Well, this he did and I went to talk to him and saw him fall down several times as he tried to answer the sliding glass door. I told him to lay back down on his couch...he did and I have not and will not go back to try anything to help again...he has to help himself. That is what I did and I did not go to any AA meetings. I still feel the desire to drink though...I am not going to do that if the power within myself holds out. I think it will.

Wow! You must admit now that you surely are NOT alone. Don't sweat it as to why you are an alcoholic. You are simply one of the unlucky minority if drinkers that are subject to addiction to alcohol. I know how you feel about coming home. 15 years without a drop and I still (on only few occasions) have the longing for "home."<br />
But you have to remember the bad that came with the good. So much bad from just that one drink. Now after my 15 years of being "away from home", my new good outweighs the old. A relaps will happen, now and then, but you can get right back on track and learn from your brief falling. I relapsed a couple few times, learning from each until I was able to stay clean throughout these years. Meetings and more meetings...they help some. Mostly quit crying about it and get on with your life! You will find an incredibly different life unfold once you have sobriety solidly in place. 15 years ago I was a homeless unskilled laborer, cold and alone. Now I am married with child in a fine, warm home and working my dream job as a research scientist...from drunken bum to PhD...HAH! Indeed not a sober bum at all!!! hehe<br />
Maybe you will find the dream you lost as the drink took over...maybe? Oh, I am sure you will, by the grace of God and your inner strength as it comes with sobriety.<br />
Keep it going as it is worth all the pain you might feel...worth all the longing for "home" again. You can find your new place in life, the place you lost when the drink took you away. And when you fall again, just pick yourself up again and continue to go forward.

There is a solution . . .

Don't try to figure out why you're an alchoholic, scientists haven't been able to figure it out, you probably won't either. Accept the fact that you are an alcoholic and that you will always have problems with alcohol.<br />
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Go to AA meetings, get a Big Book, get a sponsor, and work the steps. Listen, a lot. listen to the people that have some long term sobriety and aren't angry about it. <br />
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You relapsed, you have 24 hours to wallow in self pity. Move on, learn from your mistakes, and get on with recovery. 9 out of 10 of us relapse, you are not alone. I know some one who relapsed after 17 years, he is back working on his recovery.<br />
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I could write volumns about the tools and sayings that I've used and heard. I'll leave you with two.<br />
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For the past 15+ years I've started each day with the promise that with the help of God I will not drink today. I'll worry about not drinking tomorrow when it gets here.<br />
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I look at my alcoholism and continuing recovery as a blessing. Without them I would not have spent time getting to know and like myself and many fine other people.<br />
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It gets easier with practice.<br />
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sorry seen many alcos in goverment, you need to ask youselves some different questions, ask me I am healed manic depressive who has messed up family like any other, i won't so much as sniff a tablet from a doctor unless it is complete herbs!

i am a practicing alcoholic who has lost everything near and dear to me. please do not end up like me

I celebrated 16 years of sobriety this past April. How have I been able to not drink for all those years when it is the most natural way for me to cope with just living? By becoming an AA member. I made a decision that I wanted a different life. A better life. A life!! AA taught me how not to drink one day at a time then gave me the tools to live sober, NO MATTER WHAT, One Day,One Minute, One Second at a time. I've been trough the most difficult times in my life since getting sober and I haven't had to drink. I know AA works. I want the life I have today,m even when it's painful, much more than the life I had before I stopped drinking. As they say in worst day sober is 100% better than my best day drunk!! It's the truth. For those of you who are struggling, make a decision...ask for help...give it up to a power greater than yourself whether it's the Ocean or the Trees or an AA Group or God. If you want to live a sober life all it takes is to MAKE THE DECISION and then do the NEXT RIGHT THING to take care of yourself.

Dear Cleo, I understand why you are scared. I watched my husband for years do heavy drugs and alcohol almost killing himself. I prayed and prayed and believed GOD to give him freedom from the alcohol and drugs. GOD is all I had to latch on to. The worse my husband got, the MORE I prayed to GOD. Finally he got tired and sick of the lifestyle and signed himself into a rehab. I asked GOD to give him something to latch onto, some type of understanding and desire that would help him so he wouldn't go back to the alcohol and drugs. When he came home from the rehab he immediately began to go to AA and has been successful in not drinking or doing drugs. I asked him what kind of encouragement would he give you and he told me to tell you to get back into the game, forget about the relapse and fight, fight, fight so that familiar feeling and taste of alcohol will not succeed within you. Go to AA faithfully as if you're married to it, you have to work the steps of the program. I know it may not be what you want to do but, my husband is a different person since he's been free. Get a sponsor, someone you can trust that won't mislead you and will help and encourage you. He says it takes time and alot of patience but you can do it, ONE DAY AT A TIME. I will be praying for you just like I prayed for my husband believing that you will get the freedom and peace you want. God Bless.


It is a relapse, nothing more, nothing less. If you have been given a "last-chance" ultimatum from a significant other, then that is a good sign that that person thinks you're an alcoholic, too. However, facing the disease for someone else isn't good enough. You really have to decide to do it for you. As simple as it sounds to non-alkies/addicts but, giving up that one thing for everything is sooooo hard! But, do you want to lose EVERYTHING for that 'one' thing? That is ultimately what it took me to quit drinking. At least darn near everything. I have my health, I have my freedom (back)- hence the screen-name, I'm regaining the respect of my family, and getting new and better friends. I knew I was an alcohlic for YEARS before I finally decided to "stick and stay" in the rooms. Do you have a Big Book? Read it! Read the 3rd Chapter- "More about Alcoholism", it does get worse. The nature of the disease (and if you question the disease factor, read "The Doctor's Opinion") is that it is progressive, you only stopped because others interceded. I have a question that seems relevant- if you are that fragile- why was alcohol accessible in your home? If you have someone you live with that cares about your sobriety- it should not be in the house! I've only been sober about 14+ months (by the feels AWESOME waking up every day without a hangover, plus I love when I am ill or sick, I'll get better like a normal person with medicine and rest, not a hair of the dog, or something I did to myself) but, I know that probably still if there was alcohol in my home, my mind would trick me into thinking I could just "have one". I can go out into a restaurant, or even picnics with alcohol but, alone, on my own- where I'd think no one would "find out". I do not trust my sobriety, and I'm not going to test it. I thought I lost everything but, there is always more to lose.

I think people are born alcoholics... Some of them may never realize it, but I think it's determined by your genes whether or not you will become an alcoholic (if you try alcohol, of course). I heard somewhere that a lot of people are born with a certain gene (or gene pair, or something) that causes them to not be able to learn well from their mistakes. ie, how often do you wake up feeling like crap and say I'm never drinking again, but do it again anyway?

Yes, it's true "once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, even if you don't drink anymore" Alcoholism is a disease. A disease I didn't understand. Don't look for the cause, look for the solution. I don't drink or smoke, but my husband of 15 years did. He would try to get me to go to Alanon meetings, I said I would but I never did. He died on August 6th this month at the age of 42. And the pain has left me in pieces. DON't EVER GIVE UP! If you relapse get back up and start again. And your partner should be aware and should support you. Life is short. Live it sober and enjoy it.

Don't let the relapse get you down. If you think alcohol is a problem for you, it probably is. <br />
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Get your *** to a meeting today!<br />
sign me: sober 22+ years

One thing I learned from going to a drug counselor, was quit searching for a reason why you are an alcoholic/addict. At this point it doesn't matter. When I was first getting clean, I searched for someone to blame. Was it hidden in my family somewhere? Was it myself self-medicating my depression? All that matters is we realize we have the affliction and get help. You really have made the right step in going to AA. And Cinfullynn is right, don't get discouraged over a slip or relapse, it happens, just get back in there.

Alcoholism is something that doesn't affect everyone. Thank God. But it is a terrible thing to deal with.<br />
I have a cousin who I am watching die slowly from this.<br />
He is 6 months older than I am and there seems to be nothing I can do.<br />
I can call him on Friday and he won't remember that I called on Saturday. I want to help him but what can I do.<br />
I can't babysit him. I am afraid this is what it would take.

I know how you feel, I have been sober 15 months tomorrow. There is always the chance that I will drink again if I do not safe guard myself every day. I am in drug court and on probation so if I drink I could go to prison and lose everything. A.A. meetings help me a great deal. It is just one day at a time and that is all we can do. You did the most natural thing in the world to an alcoholic, you drank. Do not beat yourself up for it, just move on from here. HUGS!!