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Still Battling It....

I'm an alcoholic. That's a fact. I'd like to say a 'reformed' alcoholic, but are we ever ? I don't think so. I think once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, even if you don't drink anymore. That's just a part of what we are, a shadow that'll follow us forever.

I've been searching for excuses, something or someone to blame my condition on, but without success. I didn't have a bad childhood, I didn't have a bad life, I have a loving family and loving friends. So why ?

I don't know. Was it the depression I had battled with for so long ? But then I should be rid of that problem now, shouldn't I , now that the depression is gone and everything is under control. But it's not.

I hadn't touched a drop in 79 days. Last night I had a relapse. It started with one can of beer, and that felt good. I should've left it at that, but I didn't. It ended in 3 cans of beer and a bottle of red wine. You know what the most frightening part of it all was ? It felt like home............

My friends came to collect me, one an alcoholic who's been sober for 5 years now, the other one an active alcoholic. I'm grateful for that, if not for them I would probably have had even MORE to drink, not been at work today and felt more miserable than I do now. My partner would have found out, one way or the other, meaning I would be single now and completely devastated. So let's say I was lucky. This time.........

I've so much to lose if I succumb to that evil again, SO MUCH. It's not worth it. It scares the living **** out of me........... I'm scared, every day of my life that I'll give in one day and go back to the bottle. I don't want to be scared anymore.

I've started going to AA meetings, my friend says it helps to get rid of the fear of alcohol. I have to do this, for myself. And I know I will succeed. It's not easy though, not easy at all...... and I'm so scared......


cleozabu19 cleozabu19 26-30, F 83 Responses Apr 7, 2008

Your Response


Yes you can do it, because you are in charge, not the alcohol, nobody can control you, you are the only on who can, trust me! I know that from my own experience with alcohol.

Dear Cleo,<br />
I don't drink or do drugs, but I do understand your fear. Don't be affraid. Be strong at will and teach your brain to say " I am done with it" I can fight this battle and win". I am sure it is tempting for you, but see it as a challenge that you want to win. Once you win you will feel like Cristopher Columbus and you will feel so good about it that every other obstacle you confront will be easy. Life is a test, it is not easy, but it is to us to score with an A+. You can do it if you really want to. Just think positive and avoid going to bars or buying alcohol for guest etc. Just think...why do I do it? why do I destroying myself? think of all the reasons that make you drink so you can program your brain to say.... I don't want to do it anymore. I am done with it and want to leave clean. Many people that depend from alcohol I believe is because they don't know how to overcome problems. They don't speak up when in trouble or when treated wrong. They dwell in alcohol to feel better, but that is wrong. People that drink tothe extreme do it to forget problems, but guess wake up next morning and reality is you are sick and the problem is still with you and you are not fixing yourself up, but you are getting worse. The depression you had only you know it, but if you haven't overcome it, that is why you are depending on alcohol to be your dwelling place. That is wrong. If you are a believer, go to your church and in silence learn how to ask for wisdom, guidance and strength and you will receive it. Perseverance is the key to success. If you believe in God, but don't want to go to chuch because you are not ready, close your eyes at home, when you are alone and let your heart speak to you. It is amazing to let God own your life. Never give up on life Believe in yourself and you will conquer the world so you can win this battle. Life is beautiful and you deserve to live it with happiness. Give it a shot and become a winner. You need to experience how great you will feel when you are all clean! You need to speak up and express the aches your heart want to say if you want to heel, but without alcohol, but speaking in peace. Sometime we say I don't feel like going to church, but you can still pray at home with a strong faith to overcome all those challenges that life present us. Make of your heart a dwelling place to win!<br />
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Good luck and I hope my advice will help you=)

just be glad that your on the right path---- dont be so hard on yourself-- my husband drinks every day and refuses to believe that he has a problem--at least your making an effort......

I was a heavy drinker from age 18-39. The only reason I stopped, is because I became sick, and I couldn't drink. I wished that I had never began to drink. I would tell anyone don't drink alcohol ever. Especially if you have low self esteem,depression, low self confidence, or an abusive family. Those were my reasons. If you need to talk I am here.

I'm an alcoholic who tries to substitute it with excersing and running...problem is i cant do those things if I'm drinking..ironic..I 've been in and out of A.A. for the past 8 years and I'm 34. I dont think I really want to stop yet but I know i feel 100% better when i do. i guess that is the disease talking..I will continue to visit this post..Funny thing is , i came to this sit to ask about weight loss and i ended up here. Something isnt right.

never Quit, Quiting.....all any of really have is today, solber...keep it simple, I think were afraid of success.

Addictions bad for your breath but it does help you sweat bullets which can make you decide what you like and what you don't. All-conforming sucks I still find time to disagree and let people know that they are loved by an addicted pawn of god.

i also am an alocholic and it has been expesicaaly rough this week..ive only been sober for a couple weeks and the waves are hitting me hard..i make no excuses for me being this way,but i never srunk untill i met my husband which drank...and got me trying this and that.but it was my choice father and sister are alcoholics,i didnt have a great child hood but i dont blame that...i dont know if it really is genetic or if its just our choice..i use to do drugs.i quit them cold turkey..yes every once in a while ill get a craving for them but i can overcome that with no problem...but the alcohol is the struggling bad today but i hope ill get alot of prayers and i will be praying that i want fell...<br />
i do wish you the best and stay strong....

I know, it's a constant battle. I come from a family of addicts, my father is an addict and just had a heart attach at 45 ~ went to the ER twice in less than a month. My sister is also a recovering addict and going through it all really hurts. I am also married to an alcoholic. It's hard when you have to deal with those addictions ~ although we cannot do anything for them ~ I believe standing next to them through it all helps a little, but change can only happen starting with No. 1. <br />
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Keep it up, I'm sure you will find a way to make it through. God bless and best wishes....

Hey Cleo,<br />
<br />
I have no real first hand experience with this, hell I just turned 21 a few months ago. But to put things into perspective I guess... I never got to say good-bye to my grandfather and I was the last person to see him that day. It was new years eve and it looked liked he was just going on a few errands before the family got together that night and it was about mid day. about 2 o clock new years morning no one had heard from him, and then the police called. they called to tell us he had died of a heart attack in the parking lot of his favorite bar. it was a long time before my family got over it, my uncle especially couldn't forgive him for the longest time. Now i'm not saying this will happen to you. You see your problem and all the precious things in your life that you will lose if this continues and I believe that will be enough to keep you on the right path. Just keep your eye on the goal and not the obstacles.

You know what the most frightening part of it all was ? It felt like home............I can TOTALLY understand this. I went through rehab FOR SOMEONE ELSE in February. I still drink...but just not around my husband. I think I am doing ok because I stop at 3..and I matter how my brain screams for more...i don't leave the house...(and I am NOT patting myself on the back here)...I MISS the social side of drinking.....seeing friends enjoy drinks at a bar...a funeral with no booze for me...but everyone else having a drink to celebrate a life....a wedding toast I cannot make....I cannot speak from any kind of experience beyond my own pain...I say, like most people here, get over the relapse, don't use it as an excuse to keep going...and go back to not is what it is.....

knowing you have the problem and knowing its wrong doesnt stop us from having moments of weakness at times...dont let it bring you so down and remember why you want to be sober,and dont look for exuses to only works if you want it....


I kind of know how you feel but kind of not, your story kind of scares me in a way, I WAS an alcoholic, I've been sober for 5 years and I don't want past memories to catch up to me. I'm terrified of turning 21 because when I do I will be able to buy my own alcohol and risk the chance of becoming an alcoholic again. Wow I'm talking about my own problems, sorry. I hope you succeed in your attempts to say sober =)

please please hang in there, my husband had a problem with the bottle and had a very good life going on.. he knew he had the problem and wint to support groups and extensvie rehabs and would go for a few monthes at a time without drinking, but just this last monday april 06 I became a widow at age 45 my husband died of liver failure, and he ddint want to leave this way or me wondering what i did to cause this one of the few thinkgs in the hospital i remember his saying his tthat he didnt want to die he wanted to live... But it was indeed to late i sat there and watched my husband slip from this earth for 7 days

It was comments like all of these that kept me away from alcohol during the last few day's. i am an alcoholic . I got out of a bad relationship with an active alcoholic, he just found another female active alcoholic to pass the time with. I read alot of stories on EP, but dont usually comment on them not having the faith in my-self to do it. I know what u are going through , i relapsed a couple of times ,the last time was 6 month's ago. I am in councilling for a long time now and find it a great help to me . I stopped going to AA , but i know i will go back . I want to stay sober more than anything in the world , if i drink again i will loose everything . The first 2 years i got sobre ,i could not sleep at night without the light on ,i had so much bottled up fear since childhood the alcohol surpressed it. I am facing my demons now , thats hard to do but its worth it . I watched my sister and brother die of liver failure and it was heartbreaking, they were both young ,i do not want to die that way. Alcohol is poison to us . I wish u all the best in you'r recovery and if u need a chat im here.

Just because I hate to see people suffering, I want to pass on that there is a cure for alcoholism. Nobody wants it. AA would be reduced to a sixth its current size. The Betty Ford clinic would go out of business. The makers of benzodiazapine would take huge losses.<br />
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If you're interested, it's called the Sinclair Method. In clinical studies it turned 87% of its patients into people who could drink without overdrinking, who could be bored with the idea of drinking. I get really tired of seeing people ruin their lives when there's an easy solution.

My father is an alcoholic. My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I remember them fighting when my dad came home wasted. I remember one specific incident when my mom took a giant heavy crystal ashtray and whipped it at him. They were done after that. We moved in with my grandparents and on to a new condo. I saw my dad sparingly throughout my childhood (probably better that way). Once he showed up at our place drunk. He was banging on the door, yelling at my mom to let him see his girls. I was about 9, I think. He insisted that he wasn't drunk and all he had that day was orange pop. His alcoholism turned to an addiction to other drugs (doesn't it usually). He got a tattoo of a crescent moon smoking a joint on his arm, went to Alaska on a 6 month coke binge, came home,went to AA, got clean, fell off, went to jail for a few DUIs. He decided that he could handle drinking 3 pt. beer, because it was less addictive. I stopped talking to him after that (by then I was about 20). I saw him at funerals, that was it. When his mom passed away 3 years ago I saw him doing shots of whiskey in the funeral home parking lot. I didn't talk to him or see him again until his sister passed away in Feb. of 07. I invited him to my wedding because it was the right thing to do. He came to the church late, drunk again. He didn't come to my reception ( I should send him a bill). I haven't talked to him since 11/24/07. <br />
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The point to this novel is this. You only have so many chances to get your **** together. One relapse will turn to 2 and 3 and the next thing you know everything you love is gone and you are sittin on a barstool.<br />
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If you don't care enough to get clean for yourself do you think your loved ones will? Alcoholism is a disease of selfishness. Do you want to be THAT guy anymore.....

Stay strong. It's an addiction. And with any addiction it takes time. My mother was an alcoholic for most of my childhood. But, by the grace of GOD she quit. After many years of trying she just up and quit one day. I know my mother dealt with depression. Alcohol was her escape from with daily stress. All I wanted to say is that recovery is possible. It takes time and work. I'm sure know this already. But, have faith in yourself to overcome this disease.


Alcoholism is a disease. It killed my Dad, who was sober for 3+ years until his death. Some people inherit the tendency to drink.......I got the compulsive traits & OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). <br />
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Please sorround yourself w/sober people, for your sanity's sake. Prayer doesn't hurt, either. <br />
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God bless you & I hope you learn to control your demons & remain sober for your health & well-being. But remember -- it's still a DISEASE. Don't beat yourself up, just do your best!!! <br />
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I'm praying for your sobriety.

In October I celebrated 6 years of sobriety. AA gave me hope. The steps worked. Stop "battling" it an dance with it instead. The more you fight, the more unhappy you will become, and the more likely you are to pick up a drink. At first it was minute-by-minute for me. Gradually I applied the steps more often, making for happier days. Remember, you are not a bad person. You are a ill person who made many mistakes. Screw guilt! Do that 4th step then the rest and you feel a lot better. The awakening WILL occur and the desire to drink WILL be removed. It needn't "haunt" you ever again.<br />
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The Big book was written in a kind tone- no humiliation, no degredation, no insults. There are some rude ones in AA who slam you with insults get to you. This isn't necessary. I found an AA group with kind folks who have the AA spirit. The Promises on pages 86-88 WILL come true for you. Good luck!

I wish you all the best. Don't give up hope. Try and try again.

i've been sober for 3 days and now looking at inpatient/outpatient treatment. i'm a physician who stopped practicing in order to drink and do drugs. i was so %%%%%%%% tired of taking care of people that i failed to take care of myself. so its been six months and now financially i have to return to work. im deathly afraid of not being able to be sober and afraid of being sob er. i have to be monitored for 36 months so that is going to help. 15 years ago i went to treatment for cocaine now its methamphetamine. im a tough $$$$$$ though and i refuse to let the drug win. soldier up get back on the wagon and live for today thats all we got. believe me im blessed to have anything left.

For me staying sober is easy because I am an active member of aa! I will tell you what was hard. Finding ways and means to drink and use dope every day. Riding in the back of cop cars. Bullet holes in the walls of my home and fist holes through every door in my home, guilt, remorse and shame!.......THAT **** WAS HARD! If you are anything like me when it comes to drinking you don't have a choice just like diabetics don't have a chioce wether they get sick or not they need their medicine.<br />
When the thought of a drink comes I ask myself..."Do I want to live or die?" To drink is to die!

"If someone pigeonholes me I will do the opposite so not to conform." Typical alcoholic personality.<br />
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"I have just refilled my wine bottle with water so my husband does not know how much i have had to drink." Hiding your drinking from loved ones, a sure sign of alcoholism.<br />
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"Mind over matter". If it were that easy, none of us would get help. If you had cancer, would you try to treat it with "mind over matter?"

Getting to AA is important, but try to find those specific meetings that work for you. Attitude adjust. or reflection, which ever is best for you. <br />
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Coming from a relapsed and active drinker: It is not worth it. You will lose more than you care to if you are not careful. Dont end up like me! ;)

Yes, I too enjoy the demon drink. It can start with a glass of wine and end 2 bottles plus. In face tonight I have jsut refilled my wine bottle with water so my husband does not know how much i have had to drink while he has been out. Bad, yes. An alcoholic I daren't admit it. He works away and I have given myselfthat date when he goes. If I don't quit when he is away I know I have a problem and I will get help. Mind over matter and I am a stubborn cow. If someone pigeonholes me I will do the opposite so not to conform. Have faith. be strong. Fight what people think of you. Show them you can do it. like I will.

Once a cucumber becomes a pickle; it stays a pickle. I'm an alcoholic, and I've been an alcoholic for 40 years. The only thing that's changed is that I've haven't had a drink in 8 years.<br />
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If you went out for some R&D, dust yourself off and come back in. Maybe you just haven't had that last drink yet; maybe tings haven't gotten bad enough for you to scream "Uncle". Maybe the pain hasn't gotten bad enough yet. Everybody's bottom is different.

if we don't make mistakes we couldn't learn a better way