Cant See An End! :(

hello. my name is cassie, im 24, and im a binge drinking alcoholic. iv been drinking only since i was 17 but so many bad things have happened to me since then. once i have one drink, i cannot stop until i am paraletic on the floor. i have crashed other peoples cars, fallen out in front of cars, and had lots of sex with lots of disgusting horrible people. i still live with my parents, but i do have m y own half of the house, but they get so worried when i drink. i always do the same thing, i buy as much drink as possible and sit at home drinking and vomiting until im bored, then i ring this man i know who is in his 50s and who is always up for drinking and happens to be one of my friends uncles. i go to his house and get drunk and take off my clothes and act like a complete ****. up until monday night i had only ever kissed him (as far as i know, i am a black out drinker but he would have told me) but on monday, i slept with him. i didnt know until he said it because i couldnt remember. i feel so horrible and disgusting. i cant share this with anybody i know because i am so so ashamed. i have been going to lots of aa meetings and iv been getting a couple of months sober at a time, but when the thought hits me, i cant get it out of my head and i start shaking and feeling dizzy and i have to have alcohol.

i love having the members at the aa meetings to speak to, but they do have slightly different views to me so i like to speak to my family about it. the only thing is, they have no understanding of it whatsoever. my mother says to me that if alcohol made her as sick as it makes me she wouldnt do it. she cant seem to understand the power of addiction. oh yes and my hangovers are so severe that i cry and get sick and get bad palpitations for over a week.

i know im rambling on and on but this is the first time iv tried to explain my story and i wanna try and get it all out. i dont know where my alcoholism stems from. none of my family members have a problem. i love my family and my pets and i just wish i could enjoy life more. there is only one thing really awful that has happened in my life, but i was only 4 and i dont even remember. my brother commited suicide on my fourth birthday but i honestly didnt know anything until i found the newspaper clipping. i always knew i had a brother who died but didnt know when until i was older. i honestly dont think this could have made me and addict. oh and im not only an alcoholic. i am also addicted to codiene. i take up to or more than 24 painkillers everyday since i was about 19.

i would love to hear if anyone else has a similer story or can give me some advice on where i should go from here. i would never end my life as i think its a terribly selfish thing to do. i just feel so lost. nobody likes me. i live in a small town and they all talk about me. i only really have one friend, she is actually very understanding but i dont see her very often. please help me if you can :( :(

zzzstripes zzzstripes
5 Responses May 9, 2012

Hi Cassie. I'm close to the same age as you I'm 22, and I can really relate to what you"re saying in this post. I've had a lot of the same experiences that you have mentioned. It started out as me going out with my friends, where I'm always the party..super loud and crazy and funfunfun. But even from the first time I got drunk, I've always had to go to the extreme. There's NEVER a time I drink that I dont black out. I drink when I'm happy, when I'm sad or mad; I just drink all the time. Ive also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, so that has a bit of an impact as to why I cant kick this addiction. If you ever need to rant, I'm here to listen :)

I understand exactly what you're going through, before I met my husband I had sex with many people I wouldn't ever if it weren't due to booze, I was dry for a little while when I met him, but he's a drinker( not like me) so I started again. I've blacked out so many times I'm not sure if I remember half my life. You sound like you're a good person, the hooch just turns you into an a**, it does to me too, by taking steps and applying yourself to stay off everything you can make it.

I managed 14 months soberity once for A gf and when we broke up I binged like I never did before and never could achieve that again.

thank you :)

Cassie - <br />
Love yourself, accept yourself, tell yourself good things about yourself every day.<br />
Don't beat yourself up over mistakes made, just take care of yourself today. Don't worry about what other people may say or think about you. Also, keep going to meetings, even if you're drunk or plan to drink. Don't give up on yourself!