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Trying.........

I have been struggling with alcohol for the past 7years... and will be 30yrs old next month. I always knew I drank a lot but felt like I had it under control.. It was always said in jest I could hold my drink I wore that title like it was a badge of honor something to be proud of,
I began experimenting with cider a bunking school at 13 with friends I come from a single parented home and don't ever really pin point or blame my childhood for these issues I have today.

I was a rebel as a teenager I was promiscuous and started stripping by the age of 15 years old and moved to London at the age of 17 with friends where I met my partner who I am still with today, one of my friends ended up with a much older guy who got her hooked on crack cocaine she still struggles with this today and the other married an older guy she is HIV positive and has 2 little girls.

After coming to London I quit dancing by 19 and managed to talk my way into an office job even though I left school with no qualifications. Throughout my period of dancing I done the odd line of coke I did drink but not like I do now.......

Cut a long story short, even though so much has happened along the way I am now an alcoholic and it has near wrecked my relationship with my partner, family. I just don't know where to turn at the moment I don't have any close friends to confide in my partner is the martyr and does not really support me to be honest he's a bully. I got so drunk on new years this year I came home with 1 shoe no phone and shreds torn off my knee.. Then I had a row with my partner, we made up but I carried on drinking through the whole morning and night! I was trying to tell myself I was doing this cause I'd had enough of the drink and that day the 1st of January 2012 would be my last! And you know what? It worked! I stayed sober for a month and half... but it was sooo hard, I recently started my own business and a lot of pressure was involved.. if my partner and I had an argument he would shout go on! go have a drink! crazy right? the person who is meant to be your support is literally pushing you towards the drink. I thought by mid to end of February I could drink again lol..... It started by the sneaky miniature vodka or bottle of wine here and there and before you knew it boom! back to drinking nearly every day! take this week for example... I have started as early as 9am!! and I now like cider... its so embarrassing to deal with this and to be this way.. on the outside I am attractive, young black woman with a lot going for me considering my wild start out in the big world. But I deeply am ashamed most of my family live in the midlands where I was born so its mainly my partners friends and family here... they all know about my drinking problem I feel awful I don't expect pity I do not choose to deliberately go and get bladdered every day its just really hard. I am on this site to share my story maybe make some friends motivate each other and stuff. I can't continue in this manner... I know my relationship with my partner is a major issue and I am planning to leave as he's mentally abusive and has been at times violent towards me. I don't know what the hell is happening but I can't see a good ending with this if I carry on drinking. I black out when I drink at times, I can be arrogant rude and very unpleasant when I have the drink in me I have alienated myself from my family as they think I am wasting my time with my partner friends I do the same with friends sometime as I hate being judged and a lot of people do that with me 80% of my partners friends and family thing I'm crazy lol well that's what he tells me... I know I am not! What I do know is I am an alcoholic and there's a lot I am not happy about and it comes to the fore when I am in drink.... I had an hour conversation with my nan (in drink) for the life of me I cant member what we spoke about. The time is 9:04 and I want a drink... if there was drink in the house I'd be drinking it I know that... I really need to quit....
tisonthego tisonthego 26-30, F 5 Responses May 18, 2012

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YOUR A STRONG WOMAN WHO WILL OVERCOME HER TEMPTAIONS... BEST OF LUCK AND HANG IN THERE ... YOU CAN BE ALL THAT YOU WANT TO BE MY LOVE ... CAN U ADD ME pLEASE ..

I am sorry for your pain. I feel for you. I lived several years of drinking my pain away. I know that the more you shove it down the more it ferments. I never felt myself an alcoholic and I don't have an issue with it today. I have many years of drunken stories because I couldn't take the pain of my relationship. Regardless of how you choose to reach out weather it's to AA or to a women's crisis. You need to reach out. It's so difficult to do that first time but it's worth it. I know you don't want to continue to live your life this way. You are here looking for answers. Please know there is support even if it's not in your home it is out there. I am here if you want to share more pain. I know it helps a little each time you let some out. Here for your support.

" I am a little nervous about going to the meetings but reading stories on this site have helped me to realise I can not do this by myself. "<br />
<br />
This is a BIG realisation , friend, n that's the beginning of freedom, As for meetings, very few of us arrived in meetings brimming with willingness n comfort , we came because we were BEATEN !<br />
You have arrived at the right realisations.Please follow up with actions.Please call them n GO !<br />
You deserve a better life .<br />
Thanks for adding me.<br />
Love n Hugs

I am in total agreement with domking. This is a deadly disease you are fighting against. I believe its not just alcoholism that we deal with, but the disease of addiction. Make no mistake about it this disease will kill you in one way or another. I can only speak for myself in these matters. I know for me it was too much to handle by myself. It wasn't until I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with an open heart and mind that I was able to stop. My best advice is just go to a meeting and get as many numbers as you can. Find a sponsor who can keep you accountable and who'll be there for you. And most importantly keep going back. If you feel the urge to drink make a call before you do. I know first hand that this program will work. You are not alone in this by any means. Don't expect non alcoholics to understand because many just can't comprehend what you are up against. You have already taken the first step which is admitting you are powerless over alcohol and that you're life has become unmanageable. Only you can make the choice to get better and AA is the only tool that will work. Over time the important people in your life will begin to see a change in you and you're relationships will become stronger. The ones that you think are completely broken will mend. You're life will change for the better. Just take it one minute, hour or day at a time. Feel free to message me anytime you need to and I will do my best to respond quickly. Please give yourself the greatest gift you will ever receive and that is a life free from addiction. I believe in you so please believe in yourself.

Thanks for your comment, I always used to see drunks on the street wasted and think can't you just quit! Look its ruining your life! Meanwhile because I have a functional life I didn't realise that I'm the same as that person because this is a disease a terrible one at that.
I agree with what you said regarding people that are not addicted to drink.. My partner and many other probably think I should put the bottle or can away and be done with it..... I wish too it was that simple.
I will be attending the meetings as I mentioned earlier I need help by people who understand my situation, there is no point in woe is me no one gets its blah blah because there is help out there and I'm humbled to see there is so much of it too. One day at a time thats how I'm going to take it. Looking to next friday and picturing myself sober allll week is not the way forward. Today I plan not to drink a thing and I'm going to do everything in my power to. I want my life back....

Thanks again for taking time to read my story.... I'm going to give this my best shot!

The only thing that worries me is you said "I will be attending the meetings" instead of I am attending the meetings, or even better the meeting I just attended. It takes a lot of courage and determination to go that first meeting. The thing to remember is every one in that room had their first meeting as well.If you need to take a friend or family member. There are a whole lot of people who are in the same boat and they will not judge or look down on you. What they will do is accept you for who and what you are and give you the help you need. But ultimately only you can make the decision to allow them to help you.

Thank you for sharing your story ! It says you have a real problem n want relief.<br />
I can tell you what worked for me.I was a drunkard n addict for 30 long years n life was miserable.Never thought i would be sober n clean for 5 yrs but here I am.<br />
Please look up www(dot)aa(dot)org , find your nearest intergroup helpline number and call.Talk to them, find a meeting and GO ! Nothing to loose , but there is a good life to be gained.Believe me, common sense, medicines, therapy or just sheer willpower attempts - I made all - they fail miserably in the cases of addictive behaviour.It's very easy to slip back n then wham - you're back to the worst stage before no time.<br />
So don't try it alone, don't shy away from this, just look it up , and call ! <br />
<br />
Here are the numbers I found<br />
<br />
London<br />
London Answering Service<br />
Phone:Answering Service: ( 44)2078-330022<br />
Southern Service Office<br />
Phone:Main: ( 44)20-78330022<br />
Site: www(dot)alcoholics-anonymous(dot)org(dot)uk<br />
<br />
Please do not hesitate , it's a matter of life and death ! Think - this costs nothing, it can't harm you, on the other hand you will have a way to FREEDOM n LIFE, real LIFE !<br />
Call me here any time you want to, for any help.<br />
Wish you all the best.<br />
Love n Hugs

Thank you domking. I now know that I need take actions to stop completely point blank period &amp; stop kidding myself into thinking I can cut down. I am a little nervous about going to the meetings but reading stories on this site have helped me to realise I can not do this by myself.

Thanks again :)