Another Day, Another Drink

I'm 50 - I've known I'm an alcoholic for probably 15 years. My drinking probably contributed to my first marriage breakdown. The moment of truth, though, was when my second wife told me she was leaving and taking our 2 year old, and that when I was sober I should call her to discuss the future.

I called a few days later and promised I'd fix it. And I tried. But 'cold turkey' just doesn't work. I tried everything - every second day; only on weekends; only when I had work functions .... you know the story - nothing worked. At 5:15pm every evening the body clock said 'time for a beer'. And then 'false hope' would say - I'll just have one or two. Three hours and 6-12 beers later and only sleep would stop me.

It never stopped me working. But it must have made people wonder - and I do remember a few embarrassing evenings where the boss or colleagues had to pour me into a taxi.

8 years ago I got close to stopping - in fact I stopped for 2 years. I went to AA but it wasn't for me (although maybe I should try again). I went to a counseling program where they used a combination of regular one on one sessions and Campral. The 5:15 alarm still went off every day, but each day it got weaker - until 12-18 months later I didn't have much problem brushing it off.

But it killed my social life for a while. Not because I was ostracized or anything, just because I couldn't handle the temptation. The first few months were hell - I guess a combination of detox and habit. For a while there I would get home at 6 or 7 pm and just go straight to bed, because the thought of trying to get through the evening with the bartender standing in the back of my head was just too much.

So back to where I am today - I think I'm back - sliding down the slippery slope. I'm drinking Wed, Sat and Sun: and if I can get away with it I'll find an excuse for any other day. On Mon and Tue all I can think about is getting to Wed so I can have a drink. I'm trying to tell myself I can get through this without giving up totally again. For some reason the idea of never drinking again just fills me with terror.

pjc23 pjc23
2 Responses Jun 27, 2012

Is being sober better or worse. I know alcohol gives you a good feeling but so do other things. Try again for your children your ex wifes. Also for yourself because you deserve more than this struggle. Life is so much better without alcohol.

Go back to AA, I am older then you and have lost wives and children, and everything that ever meant anything to me. All because I couldn't stop and like you I tried every way that was ever suggested to me and nothing worked. Tried AA several times and never worked, and you know what it wasn't the people there it was me not being ready to live a sober life. 24 years ago I was finally beaten down as low as I could go both mentally and physically, there was no place to go but AA and what they had told me over the years I heard it all again and yet it began to make sense and my life started to get better. Can't really explain how it happens but those people told me I didn't have to be alone ever again and I haven't been and they are the reason I am sober today. They have never lied to me and will help me whenever I need it and ask nothing in return with the exception that I try and pass it along as others need help, not too hard to do when you are as grateful as I am. Go to a meeting and stick out your hand and tell them where you are at and let them in your life to help you. Your life will be changed forever and you may have a shot at getting your wife back and that child, I did and they will never remember ever seeing their father drunk. If you want to chat that is fine anytime. Good Luck