Another Day, Another DrinkI'm 50 - I've known I'm an alcoholic for probably 15 years. My drinking probably contributed to my first marriage breakdown. The moment of truth, though, was when my second wife told me she was leaving and taking our 2 year old, and that when I was sober I should call her to discuss the future.
I called a few days later and promised I'd fix it. And I tried. But 'cold turkey' just doesn't work. I tried everything - every second day; only on weekends; only when I had work functions .... you know the story - nothing worked. At 5:15pm every evening the body clock said 'time for a beer'. And then 'false hope' would say - I'll just have one or two. Three hours and 6-12 beers later and only sleep would stop me.
It never stopped me working. But it must have made people wonder - and I do remember a few embarrassing evenings where the boss or colleagues had to pour me into a taxi.
8 years ago I got close to stopping - in fact I stopped for 2 years. I went to AA but it wasn't for me (although maybe I should try again). I went to a counseling program where they used a combination of regular one on one sessions and Campral. The 5:15 alarm still went off every day, but each day it got weaker - until 12-18 months later I didn't have much problem brushing it off.
But it killed my social life for a while. Not because I was ostracized or anything, just because I couldn't handle the temptation. The first few months were hell - I guess a combination of detox and habit. For a while there I would get home at 6 or 7 pm and just go straight to bed, because the thought of trying to get through the evening with the bartender standing in the back of my head was just too much.
So back to where I am today - I think I'm back - sliding down the slippery slope. I'm drinking Wed, Sat and Sun: and if I can get away with it I'll find an excuse for any other day. On Mon and Tue all I can think about is getting to Wed so I can have a drink. I'm trying to tell myself I can get through this without giving up totally again. For some reason the idea of never drinking again just fills me with terror.
pjc23 46-50 2 Responses 0 Jun 27, 2012