Functioning Sad And Happy Alcoholic

Well, I am a 48 year old stereotypical career family man who never planned to end up this way. I can't say I am unhappy about my two beautiful children, nor my current job situation. But I do feel sad and unhappy about the future and my marriage. It's a battle of content and discontent. I handle the discontent by drinking my beer in excess a couple of nights a week. And then I feel like hell for two days, and guilty and plan to not do it again but end up drinking because I love my beer and the escape it gives me. I don't drive. I drink at home alone as my wife doesn't drink. I am a happy drunk and treat my family better when I have my beer buzz than I do when I don't. Nobody in my family has ever called out my drinking, maybe because I am a "fun drunk". Regardless, I think I realize it is more of a problem for me than my family does. It is a combination of "drowning my discontent" and wanting to feel an open awareness and energetic buzz. It has been my philosophy that drinking releases your inhibitions and allows you to express, or feel, the true yearnings of your heart. I've always felt that it is not fair to make excuses about what you say or do when drunk. Alcohol releases the deep down feelings of your being. I grew up with an alcoholic father, who I loved dearly 90% of the time and hated whole heartedly 10% of the time. The love outweighed the hate despite the pain he caused to me and my Mom. I feel right now that my drinking is hurting nobody but myself, so I am not in crisis to stop. I do fear it will lead to harm via cheating in a marriage I feel is weak. It did 7 years ago, but we somehow recovered and have maintained well for five years now. There is such a history of alcoholism in my genetic pool that I know I am fighting a battle against both my marriage situation and genetic pool (my Dad and Grandad were both heavy alcoholics). My career is successful and my drinking has never interfered with my job performance. It is a very odd situation knowing that I have a problem, that I love and hate at times, that has caused no recent problems, that I feel is personally out of control and may lead to problems (mostly marital) soon. But I love my beer. Not rock bottom yet, but feel I may be heading there.
Porchdog64 Porchdog64
46-50, M
4 Responses Sep 22, 2012

I feel for ya!!! I can totally relate even tho I am much younger than you, I started socially drinking at 12... "Never" is hard to predict when it come to alcoholism... I never thought I would become a mean drunk... Then I hit my bestfriend because my light bulb blew... stupid, right? I sure thought so... Alcoholism is a disease & it creaps up on you & takes control... Your story reads like my story did 3 years ago!!! I wish I knew then what I know now!!! I hope you don't have to fall as far as I did!!! So, it seems to me like you need to get out & have fun, relax & socialize... You can do all that without drinking alcohol... I compleately understand that it is hard to do if you have any type of social anxity... but socializing is a basic human need that needs to be meet... Join a club or sport... Take a class or volinteer somewhere... Do something everyday, that makes you feel good... Please take care of yourself :)

I don't mean to be a pest, but I hear a lot of denial on your part. I hope you find peace and health, tbb7964.

Hey, I understand your doubt, but I am an extreme introvert and self aware person. I know for a fact I am a very cordial and fun drunk - maybe because my Dad was the opposite and I have made sure to not be that way. Does my family realize I drink, and just doesn't say anything - maybe, that is a real possibility. But I will never be a mean drunk, I was too scarred by that when I was young.

"Rock Bottom."
That is a phrase you hear a lot, when talking about addiction. It means something different for everyone. I do know that addicts will violate their standards, quicker than they can lower them.
Seems like alcoholics hit bottom a lot, but keep digging a deeper hole. The real question is when are you ready to put down the shovel and get help.

You have already admitted that you have a problem. You might be surprised to find out that you are indeed hurting your family, in ways you are not even aware of. You say you are a "fun drunk." Are you sure about that?

Please know that you are not alone. There is lots of support available if you decide to make a change.