Last Drink Last Night: Or Maybe It Was This Morning, I Can't Remember Now...

Firstly, the ugly side of drinking.

I don't know why but every time I get drunk I turn into Darth Vader. I'm so mean and critical of everything and I suddenly happen to know everything and am always 100% right! Everyone else is wrong and I know it and oh boy am I going to tell em all about it! Geez I hate myself! When I sober up I start planning ways to come up with a time machine so I can go back and *****-slap that drink right out of my hand! I've been sexually assaulted while I was nearly comatose on booze, I've said the nastiest things, I've tried to kill myself, I've ended up in a hospital psych ward, I've made an absolute fool of myself, I've lost nearly all of my friends and yes I have publicly urinated. And that doesn't even scratch the surface of what drinking has done to my career and studies.

Now I plan to exchange my efforts to build a time machine for an effort to clean myself up and make better choices in the future, what is it they say 'prevention is better than cure'?

I've been drinking steadily since I was about 19 years old. I had binged while I was a teenager, but not to any scary extent. I always preferred weed to drink, but of course as you grow-up weed is not really the adult thing to do, but of course drinking is...

Since I can remember I've always been a very socially anxious person. Scared to talk, scared to be seen and scared to be heard. Drinking helped me overcome my extreme anxiety and lifted the depression while I was drunk. Then I started turning into Mr Hyde whilst I was drunk, it only served to deepen my depression when I sobered up and increase my anxiety. The phrase 'everybody hates you, I hate myself, I wish I was dead' has been a phrase I'm constantly running through my head. Heart palpitations are a daily occurrence and I've lost every single one of my relationships to alcohol.

Now, you may think i'm a pretty pathetic person, so do I at times. But in truth I'm actually a very articulate, intelligent, affectionate and caring individual. Without the evil of my alcoholic ways, I'm a very well liked and loved person.

I have respect from my professors and my coworkers. I think outside the box and I take academic risks that usually pay off well. I've been described as a borderline genius by one of my professors and my work in my career is very much appreciated. That is when I turn up to uni, when I do my work, when I complete my tasks. The dark shadow of alcohol has almost ruined everything for me and I'm on my last warning with the risk of being kicked out of uni. It would be a painful shame to lose everything now, as I do believe I can really go somewhere with this... if only I can get this blasted monkey off my back!

Everyone has a beautiful side and everyone has an ugly side. I think trying to balance these two create a well rounded individual. Getting plasted and making a fool of myself is not a very good way of creating that balance.

The Recovery:

Since my last drink was last night, i'm only just starting the journey to recovery. My first step was to book myself into a 28 day rehab facility. The next step was joining this group and writing this journal entry. While reading through the posts on this group, I will admit that I was looking to see if anybody else has gotten as low as I have. I guess when you stop and take a good look at yourself it can often feel very lonely and not to mention scary. Not many people have posted their horror stories on here, and I suppose that's a good thing, no point looking back hey? But I wanted to be brutally honest about why I'm here and hopefully maybe even give someone the wake-up call they need before they hit rock bottom and join me in this dark place. I also want to keep an honest log about my journey from day one. I'm hoping to look back on this in a couple of months and be proud of myself, rather than squinting through booze filled eyes adding to the trauma that has already been created.

Day 1:

I feel like an absolute hag and I even look like one. I could be so beautiful if only I let myself. I truly mean that in both the physical and inner person sense. I'm not a narcissist but I do believe people should not be afraid to see themselves as beautiful. Everyone can be beautiful and everyone can be ugly, and right now I'm ugly, but I'm hoping to change that. Turn myself into a princess rather than a frogette.

I think today I'm just really emotionally drained and sick and tired of who I am. I started dating someone recently and well... last night pretty much took care of that relationship! So on top of all that I'm also nursing the torture of losing yet another person in my life. Apologies, apologies, self-hatred, apologies. Day one, it's been fun but hey let's never do this again. No more day one's. I'm hoping to make this the last day one from alcohol. Fingers crossed and trying to hold my head up, but it's pretty heavy right now.

Ylvarose Ylvarose
26-30, F
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

Great story,
Lots of us are to embarrassed to tell it like it is,good on you;)
You've made the first step, admitting we are powerless over alcohol.
The next trick is not picking up the first drink, not always easy but with help from people that have been there it gets easier. I still have trouble sharing at meetings but I do and it always helps and often hit's a note with a fellow sufferer. Like your story did for me ;o except for our gender difference and of course our age we have much the same story. Often I woke up in places I wasn't supposed to be and sometime I even had my pants on;) not much fun that I remember.
Anyway sweetie there is no secret, just pick up the phone and phone someone before you pick up that drink..... If I can do this you can to.Good Luck to you.............Ray