My Story

As I write this I can barely type. Luckily I managed to get my hand on some valium as I have been through this so many times I just buy it online and keep it on hand to detox myself. Ironically the latest shipment arrived a few days ago. Today is my first day not drinking agai after a horrible relapse. I am not a daily drinker but I binge and go on benders. For some reason I also become a compulsve liar while I drink and as a result I have to chronically deal with the aftermath. I have contacted people I long since lost touch with and will write or say crazy things to them. I live in squallor as I go through my benders and inevitably isolate and just look and feel awful. I am unshowered and as my place is filfthy (I let my dogs use the balcony and apartment as a toilet) I do not feel motivated to clean myself or tackle this all today. The sad part is that I have gotten worse again. I had serious issues for a long time that started years ago as a teenager. I was so bad and was in and out of rehabs and for some reason I was able to get sober through AA in my teens. That said I found AA too religious and cult-like and as a young person I was not wanting to be shackled to a program and forced to abstain from something so culturally accepted. I have since then always been a "heavy" drinker but I managed to go months and even years without alcohol.

Recently I had a really hard couple of years and as a result started really isolating and drinking vast quantities. My pattern is predictable and sad. I will decide I want "a glass" of wine and days later I am looking around at bottles and bottles I am surrounded by and petrified to check my email outbox, texts and phone calls. I am medically knowledgable and thus detox myself. I also recently tried to moderate my alcohol by trying the Sinclair Method which uses Naltrexone. It does work but compliance has been an issue. I will start with good intentions but then skip a dose and fall into the multi-day bender trap. I feel physically awful but worse yet I feel emotionally awful. I have that sense of impending doom. I wonder what surprises await me in the coming days and what fall-out I will have to clean up! I also wonder if I have done damage to my body over the past couple of years. I know I have been arrested, hospitalized and this was all in the last year or two!Luckily my DUI was dropped miraculously considering I totalled a car and luckily nodbody was injured.

I have hit many bottoms but something always seems to bring me back. I do want to quit once and for all. I hate the chronic withdrawal, shakes and rattling. The filfth I end up living in and the "clean up"

This is all I have the strength to write for now. I am praying the valium kicks in enough to at least stop the shaking.

lex2006 lex2006
36-40
6 Responses Feb 25, 2009

In all respect--AA does NOT work. For me or most people. It is the biggest farce. IF you believe I have a disease name one other disease that medical science accepts a 5% success rate in the treatment of? I am not a god freak and sell it as you will but I do not like the cult-like atmosphere nor do I like the judgement. You are actually a good case in point. Instead of offering a single word of encouragement you are audacious enough to tell me it is AA or no way! <br />
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Well medicine is catching up to my thinking. Naltrexone worked great for me. I just need to comply or find a program willing to give me the injection. AND guess what, I drink about three glasses of wine on it instead of my bottles. I slipped off it for personal reasons and decided, as drunks do, I wanted to be drunk and as we do I could not stop for a while, about 5 days to be exact. <br />
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Several new drugs, one called SoRi949 and another chemotherapy drug are also proving to be great at treating this. It is time we stop believing that a cult is the answer when only 5% make it long term. <br />
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Do not get me wrong, if you are a religious person, a follower, or someone who is conducive to indoctrination I think it is a great place for you. BUT most people never feel right there and most leave!<br />
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The fact is I do not mind if it helped you. I am TRULY happy but your "GET TO AA" attidude is very closed to the fact it is largely a failure. I have been there done that as have most struggling and miserable alcoholics. And no it is not because we "don't work our program" it is because we are not malleable and not able to be like horses with blinders and hold hands chanting mantras and judging others and telling others it is "not therapy" (that is damn well what it should be!). I relapsed listening to glory stories in AA more than I have in the years since I left it behind. I used to find drinking friends there. <br />
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I do know where you are coming from but you cannot be so black and white. NOT everything works for everyone!

Get yourself back to AA and stop whining about what you have done to your body, mind and soul! AA is your hope. Look for the NEXT MEETING NEAR YOU and GO TO IT!<br />
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www.aa.org

I have spent the day, as so many before, looking for something to comfort me. I know many people have been there and I know the depths of alcoholism. I am hopeful that the medical community is finally taking alcoholism serious. I do think there are benefits to AA but there are a lot of things I cannot swallow. It has been a monopoly in treatment forever and frankly it has a very low success rate. There are drugs on the way, one is a chemotherapy drug which has shown great promise especially with people like myself who started drinking very early in life. <br />
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I am shaky, not hungry and my house is a complete mess as am I. I will be spending the night on my sofa as I have so many times before because my bed has become a mess and I do not have the strength to do much today. I know I have a good 3-5 days to go through the sweats and shakes and hell. I do not knock AA if it works for some people but I am an atheist and "Group Of Drunks" does not work for me. There are too many religious undertones and actually it was founded based on religion. As stated, the failure rate is also a bit frightening. I did go and was sober with AA for a year and a half. I also have maintained sobreity on my own on and off through the years. I just have found myself in a very lonely place as of late and have been isolating which are classic predecessors to relapses. <br />
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Thank you for your comments. I am trying not to think of my ravaged body either as I know at minimum I have an enlarged liver from fatty deposits. I am ironically a very health conscious person otherwise and very in touch with my body in a sense I have a lot of medical knowledge so my binges end in fear every time but as you say---it is not enough!

i was never here nor there with aa when i was drinking, but when my crazy wouldn't stop staring me in the face, I figured - it's worked with others and what I was doing wasn't working for me - what was the hell, anything to get out of hell.<br />
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it sounds like you want to stop, and that's one step out of hopelessness. <br />
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I'll tell you one thing - the loneliness and crazy cycle won't stop. it's just a matter of fact. but there are people who have been there and know what it's like. So don't give up on yourself, when you can't help yourself, there is someone or something in aa that can. At least - that's how it's worked out for me.<br />
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Regardless if you go for aa or not, just don't give up

I have relapsed a good many times. I have been in and out of rehabs since my teens but have learned to medically detox myself. I am feeling very raw today and if I had insurance I would consider a rehab but I am worried as most use the AA model which I do not like. <br />
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Thank you for your kind words. I am ok now as I took some valium. I know all about the loading dose and maintenance. I need to accept that alcohol and I do not mix and at this point in my life I have to really worry as I have been at this for years!

Oh Lex - I am so sorry for you. You can do this. Most alcoholics do relapse at one point or another. <br />
Please do not give up - have you checked on rehab in patient?? You really need medical attention too if you have the DTs, etc.