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Sep 19th, 2007
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33 Comments
c
urrently,
i am a liar.
i have two best friends who i live for, who i've never lied to, until recently.
i lie to them and others, and tell them that i've gone 'straight-edge'
and i haven't gotten drunk while i'm out in several months now.
but it's only because i've started drinking so much while i'm alone.
i'd say i drink about a handle and a half of vodka by myself in a week,
but i'm too good at pretending like all is well.
i've actually just got promoted to manager at my job and my therapist feels its only necessary that i see him once a month because of all my 'progress.' honestly, i know i'm looking pretty good on the outside these days, people are always complimenting me, and i'm just such a good faker-the mental institution, my therapist, my parents, my friends, my jobs, everyone thinks i'm alright with everything. i don't think they'd even believe how trashed i get the second i get home.
i've actually gotten most of my friends to believe that i'm so busy with so many things, that that's why i'm never around or able to hang out, but it's really just that i'm drunk and can't leave my floor.
every minute i'm not at work or in the company of others, i'm chugging.
there's just this deep pain in my chest, incessant thoughts, and the inability to go to sleep.
so i drink 
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  | Posted Sep 19th, 2007 at 7:17AM I've been in the rooms for 7 years - and loving life. -- The book - Lolita - by Vladimir Nabokov - begins with a scene where the hero is lying to his psychiatrist. This scene has always struck me as the perfect example of existential bad faith. (How can a shrink help you if you lie to him or her?) We alcoholics are Ph.D. level liars - we lie to everyone, mostly to ourselves. Right now you are playing a game with yourself that is damaging your soul. The moment you actually "get right" and do what you need to do, you will start feeling better. +5 nods   |
| Posted Sep 19th, 2007 at 3:27PM Indeed. After all - the first word in AA is "Anonymous." Alcoholism is a disease of isolation, climb out of that shell and it gets easier. +2 nods |
 | Posted Oct 23rd, 2008 at 12:31PM I'm sorry to hear about your conflict with alcohol. I have 20 months + now. You clearly do not want to continue with your behavior, so make an effort to get help. I had a friend who was doing exactly what you're doing, but the telltale sign, the giveaway, were the number of candies or mints he would eat while at the meeting. One night at my TV news job, I had to edit the story of his death; he was run over crossing a busy road in town, clearly going from one restaurant/bar to the one across the street. So, who was he fooling? He was run over like a dog. Is that what you want, because something, not sure what will happen to you. I hope you choose the right thing, we are all waiting to help and we all understand, more than you may know. +3 nods |
 | Posted Nov 5th, 2008 at 1:35AM It sounds like you have a drinking problem. Not to sound like a total *** here, but you have the same problem many people have and that is you hide behind the bottle to avoid life. I have had the same problem in the past and still deal with it on occassion. I have to say to myself that I will not let life kick my ***. I will not let alcohol be my crutch in life. Do not think life is your enemy, believe that you are better than the bottle. +3 nods |
 | Posted Nov 9th, 2008 at 2:31PM Dude! that sucks! I understand what you thru i am a recovering addict and i know how it feels to lie to our love ones because of something that is controlling our lives making it umanageable. Most of the time when i was using i wasn't available for my friends because i was too busy getting wasted. I love your story. the grass is greener on the other side remember that you have a deseace not a moral deficiency! Good Luck! +2 nods |
 | Posted Nov 18th, 2008 at 7:38AM good luck all of you strong people! I really admire people with such courage who aim to kick addictions. I am ex smoker and once free you feel alive again. remember though all people have addictions of one thing or another, alcohol just makes it seem worse. sugar can be an addiction, hate also. to me all of you who try and suceed at kicking alcohol are absolute champions! +3 nods |
 | Posted Nov 28th, 2008 at 9:30AM I grew up with a family of alcoholics and some of them still are. I've seen it and its terrible. I've lived it and its horrible. I have friends that drink like crazy. I think you need to cry out to someone close that'll help you through this. I think you need someone to climb out of the bottle with you. I know its hard to get over alcohol. But think about all the people you love and how devastated they would be if they found out. And really try to clean yourself up before you really hurt yourself. If you need to, I'm here. I'd love to chat. Yes, I'm a stranger, but it'd be cool to help. +3 nods |
 Feeling appreciated | Posted Jan 3rd, 2009 at 7:44PM this is sad iknow about alcoholics. my son is you will need your strength and fight this off. the only one that can do it is you!! +2 nods |
 | Posted Jan 10th, 2009 at 3:43PM You know what you have to do . Good luck, hang in there, Bluebird +2 nods |
 | Posted Jan 12th, 2009 at 1:42AM everyones different you got to find what works for you and work from there I started with beer and by the time I wanted to quit I was drinking vodka straight which I learned about while in a treatment program and i never drank alone at 1st I +2 nods |
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Am An Alcoholic > Stories >
i'm a liar and drinking
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