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i'm a liar and drinking

currently, i am a liar. i have two best friends who i live for, who i've never lied to, until recently. i lie to them and others, and tell them that i've gone 'straight-edge' and i haven't gotten drunk while i'm out in several months now. but it's only because i've started drinking so much while i'm alone. i'd say i drink about a handle and a half of vodka by myself in a week, but i'm too good at pretending like all is well. i've actually just got promoted to manager at my job and my therapist feels its only necessary that i see him once a month because of all my 'progress.' honestly, i know i'm looking pretty good on the outside these days, people are always complimenting me, and i'm just such a good faker-the mental institution, my therapist, my parents, my friends, my jobs, everyone thinks i'm alright with everything. i don't think they'd even believe how trashed i get the second i get home. i've actually gotten most of my friends to believe that i'm so busy with so many things, that that's why i'm never around or able to hang out, but it's really just that i'm drunk and can't leave my floor. every minute i'm not at work or in the company of others, i'm chugging. there's just this deep pain in my chest, incessant thoughts, and the inability to go to sleep. so i drink
MyRedYourWall MyRedYourWall 18-21, M 43 Responses Sep 19, 2007

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Your story really touched me today. I think I finally realized that the reason I drank was because I couldn't handle that horrible lonely feeling creeping up on me. I have learned that drinking distracted me from the thoughts and turmoil going on in my head. I was diagnosed bipolar II about a year ago and recently found out that statistically 80% of people who have an addiction problem have a mental illness. It has helped me understand myself...and most of all connected me with people.

I reached out and so many people from AA groups to online "alcoholics anonymous" or "bipolar groups shared similar stories to mine. I didn't feel isolated anymore and have finally realized that drinking only delayed the healing process or whatever I was going through.

I hope that you try to be honest with your therapist and maybe even friends. You sound like a really interesting, responsible, smart and good friend (even if you did lie)=]. and you DESERVE to be happy. I hope you reach out for help- *You can do it- I believe in you*

Dear liar let me tell you something from the other side, other point of view. I am a doctor and have had many patinets with drinking problem such as yours. Denial is very common. And that is where you are now. I do not believe that your psychiatrist , therapist, does not see that your still in the bed habbit. My patinets come to me drunk and deny it I also sometimes pretend that I do not see, or I let go. But not for long. Still this is your desicion. Is this what you want from life, from yourself. Now you can cope but do you want to wait till your older and will not be able to handle it all. <br />
The pain you have is connected to your thaughts and you should see a NLP coach or therapist , hypnosis or someone like that to hill your pain. Hope you will decide and do that. I am sure you are clever, and intelegent enough to make the right desicion for you in the right moment for you.

theres just one diffrnce,,id dont evnknow to exprss myself

You do not have enough strength yourself to stop your addictions, none of us do. That is why we get a "higher power" to help. Your Higher Power is of your choosing, be it God, Mohammad a Rose, whatever.<br />
What is that tag line, oh yeah, "Don't drink, clean house and go to meetings" and in my experience that is basically it. We alkie's try to over think it but the basics work. First, stop drinking, go do a detox if what you said you are drinking is accurate. I tried to stop cold turkey once when I was drinking 1/2 gallon of bourbon daily and ended up in the back of an ambulance after a seizure. Didn't know it then but I do now, can't quit like that so go to a detox. <br />
After that, if you cannot get into program get to AA meetings, lots and lots of AA meetings. While there, look around for someone with sobriety that exhibits the traits you would like to have and ask them to sponsor you.<br />
If you are male, ask a male, female to female. That is the way it works and then get the Big Book and do what your sponsor tells you. <br />
No matter what, DO NOT PICK UP A DRINK then you should be able to get sober. Good Luck, kimberly

We alcoholics are masterful deceivers. But it is illusion, and eventually it does come to light, all the lies that is. I to was fooling everyone around me while consuming a 5th of Jack Daniels a day. It's better for you for your loved ones for you to take the step forward and bare the bones of it. It's sucks, it's painful, but it is also healing. I think you will be surprised how much your loved ones will rally around you and help you through this darkness. I wish you the best.

I am in the same boat (although) a few people know (very few) I hid the fact that I am lying to all of my friends and most of my family. This site has really helped me so stick with it!! <br />
<br />
Good Luck

Try not to stay alone at home.You could perhaps invest in your lies to get out of the bottle.Invite someone home in order not to drink and hide the secret of having lied.

I'm a recovering Addict and I completely understand. I didn't tell my kids I was using, or my best friends, or my job, or my family. It does sounds like you have a desire to stop. The good news is that's all you need. The first step I took was to Google AA &NA to find meets in my area. I asked one person to take me, because even though I can drive, I knew that I might not get there on my own. At that meeting all I remember is not wanting to be there, but I stayed because I knew that I needed help. After the meeting I picked up a meeting list and went to the very next meeting on that list. Which, were I live was the same day, just a late night meeting. I went to meeting after meeting and started listening, got a sponsor, a home group and started working steps. I did finally tell my friends and family but, only after I had 90 days or more clean. I now have over 4 years clean and I can look myself in the eye and honestly say I love myself.

Its hard when you can't even be truthfull to yourself, it creates a bigger void in your life that keeps consuming you. so you keep drinking to fill the void or at least to make it disapear. i've been in theraphy since the age of 14 and dont think i have ever been completly truthful about who i truely am and it keeps accumliating and accumilating until you've created a completly diffrent image of yourself and you try to be that person where you are around your friends and family or people that you know, but when your by yourself again it all falls down and the cycle continues. <br />
it's sad to know that there are so many people with conflicts but at least you are able to admit your surface conflict and mabye in time repair the bigger internal one.

I won't judge you. It's hard to kick an addiction. Good luck.

you cant lie to yourself and your not happy the people your lying to love you they want you to be happy but none of them can help you if you dont let them they dont want anything but goodness for you <br />
<br />
love yourself like the people around you do <br />
and youl work this out and find satisfaction and hapyness <br />
<br />
it starts with honesty <br />
<br />
good luck freind

It makes me very sad to know that very good people struggle so much with addiction. I have several good friends that are going through the struggle now. Someone told me it is that alcoholics hate themselves. I just want you to know that you are a miracle, a creation, that you are loved. You deserve a better life than what you are currently giving yourself. Find the love within you. Reach out. People really care and would like to help.

Sometimes the only way out is to do something until you are done with it. You aren't quite done with drinking as an escape so that is why you are still doing it. <br />
<br />
Perhaps you should shift your focus from your issues with drinking to focusing on developing your inner peacefulness. Not every problem can be solved by attacking it. Sometimes you need to shift your thinking and focus from your problems and instead concentrate your thoughts on inner peace. This can often free you to shift to a different consciousness, which will then manifest in different behavior and experiences.<br />
<br />
Peace, Blessings, Joy!

Dear drinking liar,<br />
i hope this may help you, if not, keep us involved. The next time you are about to open a bottle, ask it one question FIRST; first is the important part. BEFORE opening ask your friend to tell you what it has done for you. Really, it won’t laugh, save behind your back, or when you leave the room, or do something really messed. Well, it won’t laugh in your face, and what do you have to lose? You won’t lose a friend if they are truly your best friend. A long time ago i got a very expensive scotch to be my friend; it was my favorite. So long as it strayed sealed, there was a true friend on the table, and i even said,”Hi honey, how was your day?” when I came home. Oh, almost forgot there was an extra $50 in my purse everyday- drove me thank you. Anyway ask your friend then write it down. Write down everything good and bad, no censorship allowed. Now have a conversation about what it told you. This should not take very long. Now ask it to tell you HONESTLY what it has done for the real you, the one that hurts. Ask it to tell you why you hurt even though it promised you that if you gave it your heart you wouldn’t hurt. Open dialogue, and tell vodka that you do still hurt…bad. Be real honest, it doesn’t care what you say, and will not be hurt by you. Your obsessive love is all it demands. Have a real good talk, and keep a record; you are going to want to remember but will forget. This list will be precious later. Have a good cry, and AFTER you have options:<br />
Drink<br />
“Go to a meeting”<br />
Call someone<br />
Post your list<br />
Pray<br />
There are infinite possibilities here. Only you can choose; don’t tell me we can’t choose for you, and let your bottle choose. No, this must be your choice. If you choose to drink, tell someone you are choosing to, and when you will return. Keep your word and don’t hurt us too. Ehen you need to get your *** to a meeting, perhaps someone on E.P. can go with. You need to look again in the rooms, because there are real people there that will honestly love you until you do. Go see those ones. <br />
slave.alex

Dear drinking liar,<br />
i hope this may help you, if not, keep us involved. The next time you are about to open a bottle, ask it one question FIRST; first is the important part. BEFORE opening ask your friend to tell you what it has done for you. Really, it won’t laugh, save behind your back, or when you leave the room, or do something really messed. Well, it won’t laugh in your face, and what do you have to lose? You won’t lose a friend if they are truly your best friend. A long time ago i got a very expensive scotch to be my friend; it was my favorite. So long as it strayed sealed, there was a true friend on the table, and i even said,”Hi honey, how was your day?” when I came home. Oh, almost forgot there was an extra $50 in my purse everyday- drove me thank you. Anyway ask your friend then write it down. Write down everything good and bad, no censorship allowed. Now have a conversation about what it told you. This should not take very long. Now ask it to tell you HONESTLY what it has done for the real you, the one that hurts. Ask it to tell you why you hurt even though it promised you that if you gave it your heart you wouldn’t hurt. Open dialogue, and tell vodka that you do still hurt…bad. Be real honest, it doesn’t care what you say, and will not be hurt by you. Your obsessive love is all it demands. Have a real good talk, and keep a record; you are going to want to remember but will forget. This list will be precious later. Have a good cry, and AFTER you have options:<br />
Drink<br />
“Go to a meeting”<br />
Call someone<br />
Post your list<br />
Pray<br />
There are infinite possibilities here. Only you can choose; don’t tell me we can’t choose for you, and let your bottle choose. No, this must be your choice. If you choose to drink, tell someone you are choosing to, and when you will return. Keep your word and don’t hurt us too. Then you need to get your *** to a meeting, perhaps someone on E.P. can go with. You need to look again in the rooms, because there are real people there that will honestly love you until you do. Go see those ones.  <br />
slave.alex

Dear drinking liar,<br />
i hope this may help you, if not, keep us involved. The next time you are about to open a bottle, ask it one question FIRST; first is the important part. BEFORE opening ask your friend to tell you what it has done for you. Really, it won’t laugh, save behind your back, or when you leave the room, or do something really messed. Well, it won’t laugh in your face, and what do you have to lose? You won’t lose a friend if they are truly your best friend. A long time ago i got a very expensive scotch to be my friend; it was my favorite. So long as it strayed sealed, there was a true friend on the table, and i even said,”Hi honey, how was your day?” when I came home. Oh, almost forgot there was an extra $50 in my purse everyday- drove me thank you. Anyway ask your friend then write it down. Write down everything good and bad, no censorship allowed. Now have a conversation about what it told you. This should not take very long. Now ask it to tell you HONESTLY what it has done for the real you, the one that hurts. Ask it to tell you why you hurt even though it promised you that if you gave it your heart you wouldn’t hurt. Open dialogue, and tell vodka that you do still hurt…bad. Be real honest, it doesn’t care what you say, and will not be hurt by you. Your obsessive love is all it demands. Have a real good talk, and keep a record; you are going to want to remember but will forget. This list will be precious later. Have a good cry, and AFTER you have options:<br />
Drink<br />
“Go to a meeting”<br />
Call someone<br />
Post your list<br />
Pray<br />
There are infinite possibilities here. Only you can choose; don’t tell me we can’t choose for you, and let your bottle choose. No, this must be your choice. If you choose to drink, tell someone you are choosing to, and when you will return. Keep your word and don’t hurt us too. Then you need to get your *** to a meeting, perhaps someone on E.P. can go with. You need to look again in the rooms, because there are real people there that will honestly love you until you do. Go see those ones.  <br />
slave.alex

In the end game, the only one who really counts is YOU. When you suffer enough maybe you will try to get help (if you are not dead first).<br />
I spent the better part of 20 yrs drunk and lieing to myself, but I found a bottom. Fired off a job that I was qualified and equuipped for. One DUI after another, Jail was what finally convinced me to get help. I checked myself into a drug and alochol treatment program in Oct of 82. Have not had a drink since.<br />
I DID NOT QUIT DRINKING....I just won't have a drink today!!!<br />
Quitting seemed too long term for me so ONE DAY AT A TIME. You can do the same thing..Good luck!

what would happen if you really faced yourself and told<br />
the truth to you about you?

I feel for you. We all have our demons to battle. And we all lie at times. I got help when I stopped lying to myself, I stopped telling myself I was "OK" when I knew I wasn't. That was my first step to getting better. Good luck.

That is exactly what I did and I've just made up my mind to quit. I hid it from my husband by only drinking in the wee hours, I wouldn't go to work until I was sober enough to drive (only working part time). I probably smelled but nobody commented. I held it all together for up until last summer then I think I got so depressed with my life (not the drinking part though) that I started drinking just that little bit more that caused people to notice. Please be careful and think about stopping or cuttting down (which I hope to be able in future to only have a couple of casual drinks with friends) because drinking alone escalates and you won't be able to "lie" forever. Best of luck.

Change comes from within. When you're ready to quit, you will. Unfortunatley before you hit that point you could kill yourself. I have friends and family who struggle with alcohol addiction. I don't have any answers, but I will pray for you.

wow, this is incredibly personal. thanks for sharing, and good luck in battling these demons. :)

The first step to getting better is yours. And usually the hardest.<br />
<br />
I put away a fifth of vodka (straight from the bottle) every day for about 6 months out of boredom back in 93. Then I just quit.<br />
<br />
At my best, me and an ex drank for 24 hours straight. Rode home on my bike and slept for 3 solid days straight.<br />
<br />
Last time I went to a bar to drink, I spent from opening to closing there and walked home sober. Total bar bill: $500 for just me. At 2.50 a drink (screwdrivers), that's a lot of drinks.<br />
<br />
I haven't had a drop since then except for New Years of 02 when I had 4 ounces of champaign and got a buzz from it.

You can fool everyone else but in the end what's the point? Can you fool yourself? I will be praying for you, that you find the answers you seek. PEACE

Darlin'<br />
the only one your lying to is yourself. The people around you sense your alcoholism. Only you need to pull your self up and discuss truly why your hiding behind the bottle of denial..Your not fooling anyone. But yourself..<br />
<br />
It took me two DUI'S a a few car wrecks to realize what a stupid a** I was..I had to come to the realization that I was hurting myself and others. What is it gonna take to wake you up? What is going to happen if you continue down this distructive path? SEEK HELP SOON!!!

I am so impressed with you. Why? Because although you have lied to others, you do not lie to yourself.<br />
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Why not try an AA meeting? They are nonjudgemental and you can be yourself without giving your name.<br />
You might be able to actually get to the place people think you are at through their support.<br />
God bless you. You are in my prayers today.

I feel for you... it is almost 3:00 PM and I am just waiting until 4 so I then can open my wine and proceed to get drunk for the evening. That makes it 'okay'. I usually drink 24/7 but now I am fooling myself that I can control it when in all honesty... what normy thinks about when 4 comes around so they can drink? My partner is an alcoholic and is actually in jail until the 27th... I am lonely... and so so sad... <br />
<br />
You deserve so much happiness and I hope you find it but please, please, please know that you are not alone... in fact, your message made me aware of that. <br />
<br />
I pray for you and everyone who is feeling alone...

With all simplicity I believe that you are going to overcome this problem.Within yourself you know the way out.Now, I don´t want to concentrate on your problem.I want to concentrate on the SOLUTION.There is a SOLUTION for you NOW.In the Universe there is a Higher Power that can and want to overcome our weaknesses.You are stronger that what you think.You are loved more than you know and think you are.I see the way out.

Up until recently I've been able to take care of two handles of vodka a week easily since I started college back in 2005; patch that with working as a clerk and full-time student classes and I've convinced myself jokingly that I'm a 'functional alcoholic'. I've only just recently kinda "snapped awake" and realized that every moment I'm home I'm slurping it down too, it's just become SUCH a habit and...well, I kind of realized it, but disregarded how scary until a few weeks ago, and WHAM, it just hit me.<br />
I hope you deal okay.

I think your doing something every human being is good at and that is to lie to itself. I think that you wanna recover and lead a healthy life and thats you told us your story because you're trying to reach for help. I think you should encourage yourself to get some real and serious help or at least tell a close friend. I think you will do great and you will get out of this. Life can be very hard snd complicated sometimes but everything is set out to make us learn the lessons and get stronger. Good luck

One thing on your side is that you are young and you wrote your story admitting you have a problem. <br />
<br />
Sounds like you got a lot of things going for you too.<br />
<br />
The next step is to do something about it ! It takes a big man to admit that he needs help. You can do it !<br />
<br />
You are the only one that can help yourself before others can help you. <br />
<br />
Face those demons head on ! Find out what is really bothering you, that you can not sleep. <br />
<br />
I am very proud of you for just writing this story !<br />
<br />
Best of luck to you !

Get yourself some HELP and soon. I drink alone too...mostly to just feel numb...so I don't dwell on the rotten things in my life. I am a functioning drunk...I work 5 days a week, but my goal most nights when I get home is to drink enough to become "numb"..so I don't have to think or feel. I worry about myself sometimes. Please get yourself some help. Good luck!

This is really making you feel like ****, so you have to at least try. It´s a one day at a time thing, if you fail, you failed a day, but the next one you get up and try again until you make it. It´d tough, but just for tryiing you´ll feel much better and it will help you hang in there. Think about how you already make it a certain amount of hours without drinking, not about how many you are wasted, and start making the first ones longer. Get help from those who love you, they´re you´re best support. <br />
Good luck!

everyones different you got to find what works for you and work from there I started with beer and by the time I wanted to quit I was drinking vodka straight which I learned about while in a treatment program<br />
and i never drank alone at 1st<br />
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I

You know what you have to do .<br />
Good luck, hang in there,<br />
<br />
Bluebird

this is sad iknow about alcoholics. my son is you will need your strength and fight this off. the only one that can do it is you!!

I grew up with a family of alcoholics and some of them still are. I've seen it and its terrible. I've lived it and its horrible. I have friends that drink like crazy. I think you need to cry out to someone close that'll help you through this. I think you need someone to climb out of the bottle with you. I know its hard to get over alcohol. But think about all the people you love and how devastated they would be if they found out. And really try to clean yourself up before you really hurt yourself. If you need to, I'm here. I'd love to chat. Yes, I'm a stranger, but it'd be cool to help.

good luck all of you strong people! I really admire people with such courage who aim to kick addictions. I am ex smoker and once free you feel alive again. <br />
<br />
remember though all people have addictions of one thing or another, alcohol just makes it seem worse. sugar can be an addiction, hate also. to me all of you who try and suceed at kicking alcohol are absolute champions!

Dude!<br />
that sucks!<br />
I understand what you thru<br />
i am a recovering addict and i know how it<br />
feels to lie to our love ones because of something <br />
that is controlling our lives making it umanageable.<br />
Most of the time when i was using i wasn't available <br />
for my friends because i was too busy getting wasted.<br />
I love your story.<br />
the grass is greener on the other side<br />
remember that you have a deseace not a moral deficiency!<br />
Good Luck!

It sounds like you have a drinking problem. Not to sound like a total *** here, but you have the same problem many people have and that is you hide behind the bottle to avoid life. I have had the same problem in the past and still deal with it on occassion. I have to say to myself that I will not let life kick my ***. I will not let alcohol be my crutch in life. Do not think life is your enemy, believe that you are better than the bottle.

I'm sorry to hear about your conflict with alcohol. I have 20 months + now. You clearly do not want to continue with your behavior, so make an effort to get help. I had a friend who was doing exactly what you're doing, but the telltale sign, the giveaway, were the number of candies or mints he would eat while at the meeting. One night at my TV news job, I had to edit the story of his death; he was run over crossing a busy road in town, clearly going from one restaurant/bar to the one across the street. So, who was he fooling? He was run over like a dog. Is that what you want, because something, not sure what will happen to you. I hope you choose the right thing, we are all waiting to help and we all understand, more than you may know.

Indeed. After all - the first word in AA is "Anonymous." Alcoholism is a disease of isolation, climb out of that shell and it gets easier.

I've been in the rooms for 7 years - and loving life. -- The book - Lolita - by Vladimir Nabokov - begins with a scene where the hero is lying to his psychiatrist. This scene has always struck me as the perfect example of existential bad faith. (How can a shrink help you if you lie to him or her?) We alcoholics are Ph.D. level liars - we lie to everyone, mostly to ourselves. Right now you are playing a game with yourself that is damaging your soul. The moment you actually "get right" and do what you need to do, you will start feeling better.