I Cannot Be Fixed

The first time I went to rehab I was only 18. I was in the treatment facility for 45 days and then relapsed the same day I got out. This probably should have been a red flag that I would never be okay. I am only 21 and can honestly say that I have probably made more mistakes than anyone I know. It seems that I go through periods of sobriety usually lasting a few months only to relapse again. 

Apart from being an alcoholic I am addicted to toxic relationships. Wonderful combination I know. Last August I was in a car accident and was arrested and given a DWI. I totaled my brand new bmw a car I never thought I would have. Because I was already on  probation and the DWI violated my terms of probation and had to serve 23 days in the county jail. I can't say that the "jail therapy" actually worked, but everything I lost because of the DWI did (disappointed parents, job as a substitute teacher, car, license, and so forth). 

I was in another rehab from which I graduated about a month ago. I love going there for extended care, but I must admit I am miserable. I don't know if it is because I hate the person I turned out to be but I must say that I don't think I can go on. I feel completely and utterly hopeless. I just wish I could have that feeling you get after a few drinks. Where everything finally feels okay. I know I will not be drinking again. I pray I wont. Even so I don't believe anything or anyone will ever be able to fix me. I feel so broken.

foreverLost123 foreverLost123
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 1, 2010

It's just so hard to imagine life being worth living without that pleasantly drunk feeling that washes away all the free-floating guilt...<br />
<br />
My god sometimes I think the only way I'll ever feel better is if I kill my mother so I'll nevr have to hear her wicked lying guilt-mongering suicide-inducing voice again. I hate her so much it self-sickens me. How can you hate your own mother? A. She brought me into this hateful world, and B. She broke my soul. And the only substitute for a functioning soul seems to come in a bottle.

I have felt that way many times. The secret is time. It takes a whole year at least before you really start to feel better. A couple of months is always the danger spot, because you have recovered enough to think you're ok. It is a mental thing as well as a physical, and I found my mind did not really grasp the whole concept and feel the gratitude until more time had passed. In the back of your mind, you want to believe that you can be normal, and hang out and have a couple drinks. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but it took me a long time to finally realize that I am not one of these people who can have a couple drinks. Sure, I can sit down and have one or two, and it may take months before I progress to more, but I always end up the same way, sooner or later, right back in the same rut, sometimes worse than before. The sickness and the self-loathing are unbearable. I know I can never drink again, and at first I did not like this idea at all, but I have come to embrace it, and see all the good that it entails. <br />
Don't give up, after awhile you will be able to feel real happiness, you won't ever need 'a couple of drinks'. I'll say one of my special non-religious prayers for you.

Hey, <br />
I know exactly what you mean when u say, " I just wish I could have that feeling you get after a few drinks". Good luck staying sober!