It Stopped Being Fun So Long Ago......

  I was in my forties when it became too much to continue. My life, as they say, had become unmanageable. I was never one to consider AA, it was a running joke. That is, until I realized my life was a joke because of my drinking. The stark fact was I couldn't handle it anymore. I went to a rehab and started to realize how bad it really was. I say started to, because it took many relapses before I finally quit.

Alcohol was my social tool.  I had no skills in meeting people for relationships, that always happened when we were drunk. Everything we did was alcohol related. We got booze and smuggled it into movie theatres. We drank and drove, but this was back in the day when the Police would just send us home, warning us to stay there. I hit the ditch on the lonely country roads more than once. Several of my friends died in drunk-driving accidents. I knew people who drank so much they got alcohol poisoning, and did it myself once or twice. I had convinced myself that I had it all under control. I was a high functioning alcoholic, and a musician. My one hard rule was never let the booze interfere with the show, but it did, anyway. It wasn't a big deal because so many of my fellow musicians were drunks and drug abusers. Even in the many day jobs I had, one being a bartender, I would drink while at work, or at lunch time. It started out manageable, but gradually became more and more invasive. I think I crossed the line ten years before the final crisis. I'd had nervous breakdowns, and serious bouts of depression. I told people for probably 15 years that I was an alcoholic, but that was fine, I was expected to be a lush, in that case. When the true meaning of those words hit home for me, it was almost too late. I started waking up after being passed out in Public places. I kept diaries for decades, and the slow decline was obvious. I had booze stashed all over the house, for emergencies, and there were many. 

One evening after weeks of being drunk everyday, I realized I could not get sober. This was the beginning of the end. I was terrified, and tried again and again to stop, it was as if some insane person was in control of me, because I wasn't in control of myself. I tried desperately to sober up, I couldn't go to work drunk, and I couldn't go with the horrors from drying out, I was done. I went to a rehab, as I say, but couldn't stay in. so I checked myself into a hospital and began the first of many assisted dry-outs. It took more tries than I would care to remember, but I finally got rid of the denial, and any idea that I could control my drinking, by scaling it back. I got to the end of my rope, and there was nothing left except death. My health was shot, and I was mentally unstable. I started going to AA, just because I didn't know what else to do.

Today I am a grateful alcoholic in recovery, and will remain so for the rest of my life. I am alive, and I am happy to see each sunrise. I am truly grateful for the gifts I have received in my life, and I consider being an alcoholic to be one of them. Through this experience I have met some truly amazing people, and come to know the true meaning of giving selflessly, and serving the common good instead of my own selfish interests. 


Sydgrrl Sydgrrl
46-50, T
7 Responses Mar 8, 2010

Very honest and inspirational story. I'm 32 years old, three years sober after six years of alcoholism. I don't want to write out my whole story here, but I also went through rehab and it was the best experience of my life. Now I'm grateful to still HAVE my life, and for the ability to be grateful! In all honesty, sometimes I do miss drinking, but I also remember that it is completely NOT worth it. If I start again I know I won't be able to stop.

I am glad to read encouraging stories.......unfortunately, I am NOT an AA person AT ALL.....(I don't believe in a "higher power"'s me and whomever ALIVE and HUMAN in my life that I try to draw strength from...(I am certainly NOT knocking AA for those that found strength and help through them...). In my case...I swear...there are days I WANT the alcohol to kill me. I fight through the PTSD from an abusive life...I struggle through the every growing mental breakdowns...and the screwed up brain I am left with after 10 years of boozing, drugging and not taking care of myself....the seizures didn't help either......<br />
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Anyhow.....good luck to all ya'll<br />
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peace d(-_-)b

man i needed to here this .....pray for me

How proud I am of you! 4 1/2 years sober myself, I know what it takes to do so. I could not have done it without AA, either.

You pretty much told my story. Got a letter from an old friend the other day that I had sent a condolence card to. He expressed some surprise that I was still alive. ER's, jails, mental wards, rehabs, detox's, hundreds of AA meetings. 6 months sober this time....( wrong; 2 week relapse between 9/09 & now) Still, it's the longest I've ever (willingly) made it since 1974. A lot of dead friends and acquaintances, heart ache, regret. The Promises say that we shall not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. Well that ain't happened yet, but I guess I got a good start. I find myself very reclusive. Some would say that is out of character. I'm fearful to leave the house, even for work or AA meetings. I do it anyway, work that is. Have'nt gone to very many meetings. You said that speed of light is not propulsional. I sort of get that. Perhaps you'll elaborate one day. You said we may have the means now. If it's alien reverse engineering, we have better than that. Folding or displacing time/space. Like I know what I'm talking about! Not. Thanks for your story. will keep an eye out for your posts. All the best, Zhafar

Good to hear you have found your way to AA, Many people do not make it to these rooms to hear the message of recovery. It is truly amazing the friends you will make in the fellowship of recovery. Sometimes it takes many years of missery to get there, yes to give of oneself is truly a great thing. You are right each new day is a gift when you are in the program. Thank you for sharing your experince strenght and hope and keep up the good work.

Thank you for sharing your experience here. I boozed my life away too. However i was not a high functioning alcoholic. I never had a career, but have had so many jobs as to not even be able to remember a good portion of them.<br />
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How are things with you today? I for one am glad that you are sober.<br />
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