The Story Of How It Came To Be.

I don't know where to begin with this. I am a little nervous doing this even if no one knows me here. I think it's a start to letting others know about my situation and see what point of views they have on it. First off, I am a 21yo who suffers with Bi-Polar severely. I lost my mom a couple of years. It was very horrible and I don't want to talk about it. It's just that I am the one who found her on the floor gone. I've been going to MHMR for treatments but that doesn't seem to help due to the fact I have been lying to them telling them everything is going good and the medicine is working which, it's not. I am not trying to bore y'all with my life story but typing all this is helping me a little. I started drinking about a year ago. Then it was like, "I'll have a drink, I won't ever become an alcoholic". Then time went on then I started to notice myself drink more and more often. Even at times when everything was okay and there weren't any problems. Then I got scared, probably more scared then I have ever realized in my life because I knew what I was. I was an alcoholic. Now in all honesty, am I ashamed? No. I just know I have a problem and need the help. It's just easier said then done. I've been drinking vodka everclear gin md20/20 almost anything that is strong. Half the time I am either passed out of too out of it to realize what's goin' on around me. I used to drink because I liked it every now and then. Now, it's consuming my life. No one wants to be around me or even talk to me on the phone because I lash out badly and cuss out people. I used to be a caring and kind compassionate person with sensitive emotions. Now, it's like, "yeah, whatever". Anyways, I don't know what else to say at this point and time. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Damien88 Damien88
18-21, M
1 Response Mar 14, 2010

hey--Thanks for writing that. You're 21 years old and it sounds like you've been drinking for a relatively short period of time to admit you're an alcoholic--which it seems you are, and with that, there's tremendous opportunity for you to recover. If you were 51 years old and been drinking 32 years--recovery could be much tougher.<br />
Your Bi-polar status and the unsuccessful treatment you're getting are likely contributing to the problem. Somehow you've got to impart to your care providers that things are not working-out. I promise you-it won't be the first time they've heard or discovered a treatment isn't working.<br />
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The most interesting thing I notice in your writing is that you state that typing (or writing) about your troubles helps a little.... guess what? You've stumbled on a good activity that makes you feel better. May I suggest you write regularly--with the intent that possibly hundreds of anonymous readers will witness what you write--be honest. Don't care a less if it appears no one's reading. Write as if your life depended on it. Your mothers death--that must have been horrible. I'm almost 50 and both my parents are still alive and fully functional. You've had it rough--write about it, see if you can write about your mother. Sitting down and writing out your problems, concerns, anxieties, pain and joys is a tremendously useful tool in getting a grip on your own reality--it sort of clears the mind of clutter and allows other thoughts to surface and perhaps aid deeper introspection, <br />
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Write out a plan for how you're going to take the next step in recovery--on paper--keep it with you and take it one step at a time. You've taken the first by admitting you have a problem. You have the benefit of many years of life ahead of you and things can change for the better very quickly if can grab onto what ever it is that's given you the courage to face up to your problem and continue to apply it. Find and read inspirational stories of people who have lived through adversity and trouble and come through it stronger than ever. It helps, it really does. Keep your mind filled with good thoughts and positive thinking. I believe you have the potential within you to become extremely happy and successful in life. Ok? Go for it and don't stop until you get it.