Just Another One

I feel it to the core of my being. My mom and sisters would always joke about how I was abandoned at birth and my parents picked me up from the garbage site. I actually believed them until I was much older, when I could make sense that what they said weren't logical. Of course I am my parent's biological daughter. But it's true, I never felt I belonged to them, nor this world. I had problems speaking in school and making friends is just something very unnatural. I was afraid of every single thing and person. I cannot be sure if this was a sign that I was exposed to too much negativity in my mom's womb, or that indeed because I found this world strange - which still lasts til today.

Always confused, I asked myself zillion questions about me, this world, this universe. I'm sure many do the same. I've always had a knowing, or this is just a skill all empaths possess. Aliens = empaths?

I remember during my teen years I would look into the night sky and gaze at the stars and marvel at their serenity. I got this pull upwards, as if they were calling me home. Every time I look at them... I am lost in their embrace - so pure, so enlightening, so peaceful. The longing for home. So intense, so lonely. So very lonely.

Some said it's the feeling of disconnection from God. That's partly true. But I am truly home-sicked. Along with this planetary shift thing, I am almost dysfunctional in daily life. I've heard my calling and wanted to 'help save mankind'. What a joke. I can't even save myself. This starseed thing sounds cliche now, time to abandon the label. But yes, I still can feel this deep love for Earth. I had been here many times. I love Earth more than I love human beings. What's even worse is I hate myself being a human being. I am done after this life. I am done with Earth. I am going home. Very soon. I cannot and will not want to put myself in this sort of misery again. Make a smarter choice next time? I sure do hope my soul will.

And one thing that amazes me, even we 'aliens' who think are here to help save mankind, hate human beings with a passion. Now how are we going to help if we exudes hatred? Shouldn't we let Love lead the way? Help ourselves, help mankind. Love ourselves, hold the light. Don't attempt to 'save' anyone but ourselves. For we are humanity in this very existence. This is something we cannot change.
SapphireSol SapphireSol
31-35, F
4 Responses Dec 6, 2012

I think we are here to study them, try to understand why they behave in the negative ways that they do. The best way to do this is to be born as a human and go through the emotions, survival problems, and human interaction problems. Yet, we can't wait to go home, and we hope home is indeed still there. Many of us are suicidal, want off this planet early.

Mankind will exist, probably not in this form, quantity or essence. Your these words are touchy.
""But yes, I still can feel this deep love for Earth. I had been here many times. I love Earth more than I love human beings.""

That made me think about scripture. As believers in Christ we are told to be in this world but not of this world. Earth is not my home. Just a mere training ground.

The despicable feeling toward humanity is a product of the very work we must do. When you see footage of genocides in far-off lands, there are often two thoughts that come up immediately- 1. "Oh my God that's so horrible. How sick is the world that this could happen?" and 2. "I wish I could stop this, or that somebody would." So here we are, on Earth. One giant rolled up playground genocide, feeling simultaneous disgust toward the sources of the unrest and pity and fellowship toward the victims. You've been infected by the psychological virus of the hate of the Earth, and it's a parasite that must be moved out from within you. Don't delude yourself, saying "oh, everything's beautiful, those genocides are part of the greater plan." There's an extent to which that's true, but at the same time the hate of others and the subsequent reaction it builds up in you must be used as clean-burning fuel, which you convert into rightful action. Whenever a body is cleansed, it feels ill as the toxins leave. You, and the Earth, must suffer this pain that comes with purification. SO BE IT.

Thank you for your comment and advise.