To be honest, I'm still not sure what I am. I was raised as a girl, and I guess I didn't really question it that much. I didn't really fit in with the other kids. Playing house was boring, so I ended up with the guys most of the time, until 4th grade or so. After that, I was an outcast in general. It didn't bother me: most people are boring. If they don't want to hand around with me, why would I want to hang around with them? I never really saw it as a gender thing, at the time. 

To make things more complicated, maybe, I wasn't really raised to be super girly, either. I had the Polly Pockets and the Barbies, sure. But I also has Hot Wheels and Lego and K-nex. I wasn't a princess. I was an adventurer, a scientist, a hero.

In 8th grade, I started dating girls, so that made me a "lesbian". I didn't, and don't, like the word too much. It sounds too feminine. It slips off your tongue like a whisper, a fairy tale. I preferred "dyke". Dyke is still the only identity word I feel really comfortable in. It does imply female, sure. But it has a hard edge to it. It's a fierce word, a challenge, a call to arms.


"Woman", on the other hand. Not so much. It feels distant. In using it for myself, I feel a bit awkward. Like, "yeah, woman, okay. I know I'm not a man, so I guess that's all right."

And I've always felt such a draw to andyogynous people. From the emo singers I obsessed over in my pre-teen years to the pierced and skinny girls I silently watched in high school, many of whom eventually went on to become transmen. And there's always been an envy there. For sure, those are the people I'm attracted to. But it feels like so much more than that. It's a blow to the chest, a lump in my throat, almost panic. And longing like I couldn't possibly describe. I could spend hours trying to articulate this intense pull, and still not get it across. Maybe it's just sexual, but I really doubt it.

More recently, I've taken on a more ambiguous aesthetic. My hair is cut short and dyed blue, it seems like most of the clothing I'm buying is in men's sizes. I've been trying to be less feminine in my body language, and working out. I feel more confident now that I can ever remember feeling before. It's not a coming home feeling, but my issues with panic and depression seem to be lessening (fingers crossed).

There's a final piece to this puzzle: I've never really experienced gender dysphoria. I'm not really sure if most androgynes and genderqueer folk do, but I got that impression. Sure, I really want to bind. I wish my breasts were smaller, absolutely. There are days I don't want to see them. But then, there are also days when I love my boobs. And I feel that same hatred for my stomach and thighs, too. Maybe this is because my mother didn't really play gender police very much. Maybe I'm just mistaken.


What it all comes down to, is that I'm sort of having an identity crisis. Am I a woman, or not? Is there room in the word "androgyne" for someone like me? I know you out there can't tell me what I am, but if you have any advice, or if something in here resonates with you, please tell me. Anything would help.

Nyctophile Nyctophile
1 Response Mar 14, 2010

Androgyne is an ok place to be, it's right in the middle and you can use both sides of your brain. It beats going to an extreme and having one's gender altered through radical mastectomy, hysterectomy and taking male hormones which unlike female hormones are a controlled substance because they are dangerous. No-one needs to destroy their family connections and become the ob<x>ject of derision to simply come to terms with the fact that they are just different from the standard model. You are uniquely different and it's ok, learn to love yourself and realize that you are special as an androgynous being.