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An Angry Adoptee

I have just returned from looking at a post where the person says something to the effect 'of your parents cared for you enough to take you in''so be grateful' with regards to people who find themselves adopted out when they were babies. This sort of comment makes my blood boil for the following reason. The people who adopt babies/children have a huge need for something missing in their lives it is they who have  needed us not us needing them,  We do them the favor not vice versa.  I refuse to say I am grateful to the people who "took me in" In fact my own story as an adoptee, how it came about, the lies that were told, the secrecy and the refusal to let me be an independent human being autonomous and individual because my adoptive parents were after a clone of themselves makes me sick to think about. I aknowledge that  since  my own adoption took place which was in the 50's things have changed quite a bit and these days people wishing to adopt have to go through rigorous assessments which would eliminate those who did have this sort of crooked thinking however these sort of comments are still being made particuarly from the older generation and I feel really upset when I read or hear them.

cello cello 51-55, F 15 Responses Feb 3, 2009

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The ARROGANCE of pro-adopters who 1. Chose-to-be-Ignorant, 2. Deny that adopted children and their biological mothers are traumatized forever to suffer, and label Adoptee's ungrateful for speaking out against 18 years of adopted childhood abuse.
Adoptee's are discriminated against on all levels. Especially from the Self
self-righteous bigots that keep the adoption industry lubricated with wealth.
Unless you are a forever adopted child, You have NO Credibility, No Opinion About How Adoptee's Should Feel, and Must be the part of the problem discriminating against adopted child's human rights to Identity.
Adoptee Rage

Open Adoption is a Lie
In one second a choice is made to give your baby a chance at a better life.This choice will forever change you and your baby's life forever.They tell you how great you are for giving the gift of life to a couple who cant have kids.They suck you in by working on your desire to help a couple in need.They let you pick a couple of your choosing telling you the couple will do what you have written in the paperwork.{they fell to tell you the paperwork is fake and the couple don't have to follow through with anything you want for your baby.They have to meet you needs and tell you everything you want to hear cause that's the only way they make money off your sweet baby.They don't understand the bond a mother and baby share and the loss and pain it causes for mother and baby.The baby never forgets the loss and pain and spend many years looking for the answers.The mother suffers from the loss as deeply as the baby.There is great joy carrying a life in you that moves and kicks and responds to your every word love so pure even before birth.The joy you feel at giving birth to your child will be replaced with crying,guilt,shame and loss as you see your baby leave you and go home with strangers.Then deep anger because of the lies the company tells you.They tell you you can have an open adoption if you so choose.giving you false hope of seeing your baby.Only to find out the whole thing is a lie.There is no such thing as an open adoption the papers you sign are not enforceable in the court of law.The couple has full control and power over you and your baby.You loss all rights to your baby once that paper is signed.Your a stranger to the baby who once depended on you.The couple can change birth records and hide facts about the birth,so it looks like they gave birth to your baby.The feelings you feel after the lies are told and the adoption is final is helplessness,if i had a better standing in life and had a great job i could of kept the baby.Guilt,what kind of loving mother would give her baby to strangers.Deep loss in your heart, your always looking and hoping for your baby to come back.Hoping the couple will let you have some small part in their life.Rage,I hated the couple for what they did and the lies they told.I wanted them to hurt as deeply as they hurt us.Anger at the person who helped you make the choice of adoption.Deep Sadness you cry for no reason and you feel a deep stabbing feeling in your heart that never seems to go away.Withdrawn you don't seem to want to be around your family or friends and if you have kids it hard to deal with them knowing what you had to do to their brother or sister.Healing dose come its facing the fact that your baby is not coming home and faith-asking god to heal the loss and pain and help you to move on.You never forget your baby you just carry them in your heart.

I been there,went through the pain,loss, and tears and want to offer support if your faced with the same choice.This changes you and your baby life forever. email me anytime stoldt8@yahoo.com

Adoption in australia was pushed on young single women by society pure;y to appease the needs of the "poor childless" couples.. I am grateful for the life I have had, but I am lost... No-one deserves to be given away... no-one deserves to raise their own child more than the woman who grew & birthed it... I resent that society beleives that I should consider myself lucky... I was raised by strangers .. not lucky...lost & sad...

Oh Cello I completely agree with you. Even though I do love especially my adoptive mom a lot, they always made me feel that they did a favor when I actually think I did them a favor or it was rather mutual. My adoptive father has been a jerk. On occasion he has been nice but he has for years told my boyfriends and now husband "oh you are a saint don't know how you can handle her" or even worse "you are like a boat, the best day of your life is when you get it and the other best is when you get rid of it" he is so screwed up I even thought of suing the state of California for not checking him out. Is that possible? I am 46 so feel we are probably close in age.

No-one did anyone any favours... least of all the woman who was convinced that a stranger deserved her child more tha she did...

birth mothers are lied to so they will be forced into giving up there sweet babies.I VERY much wanted to be in my baby's life and was told by the company and the couple that it would be open and i see him whenever i wanted but the min the couple has your kids they steal them and tell them lies to hide the truth.The kids cant even find the truth out about there birth family's this makes me so sick for my little baby.

If a child gets lost, do we blame the child for not finding the parents if they never come to claim them? Why then are adoptees expected to find their bio-parents when they don't have a name and for most even a face or place.

I agree completely.. I am also an angry adoptee for the most part. And I too hate it when I get oh but this family was so generous to take u in raise you and pay for your schooling.. It too makes my blood boil.. My problem is pretty complicated when I got adopted i was lied to all my life about my moms death. They told me my mom was in canada. So being a child I was excited that I was finally going to get the motherly love I did not have while I was back in India. But once I got here over days I noticed the differences in treatment I got from my adoptive mother. I got fed, I got all the basic but the emotional bond was never there.. So I would get jealous as a child as to why I never had that emotional attachment in my life. But the story gets even more complicated... I mean if it was that easy I would just go back to my biological father but that can,t happen cause he is remarried and has kids. Anytime I even go visit for even 2 month the kids get bothered by me being there and my step mother is wicked person who doesn't care either. So that makes me not want to back. I don't even have the option of leaving and moving out because of Indian cultural normals as they forbid me until I get married. So what is person like me suppose to do.. Telling my biological father my problem will just create more problems between my adoptive family(my biological father biological brother) and my biological father so i dont say anything. And over the years i have developed so much resentment and angry towards this family. Or any family member because every one always say they gVe u so much they paid for ur school and took care of you and so forth. But I never asked anyone to pay for my education. I was welling to work and get job to pay for it but I wasn't allow or I could have gotten a loan if wanted to get my education. Now all I hear is we paid this much for ur school and so forth and I am so angry filled that once I am able to get a decent job I feel like paying them all back for everything they spent. I dont want their money.. Sorry for the long post but I guess I need to vent and express my feelings to some one that might understand what I go though cause no one here does. They just think I am the wrong one causing the problems.

Karen82,

You must do for yourself! As with all adoptees the adults did what was best for them and left us to fend for ourself.

I am the bio Grandmother of an angry adoptee...my 17 yr. old daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in 1972. Adoption was not a hastily thought decision. At the time of the birth my marriage had been a sham for many years but divorce was out of the question as I still had two young children to raise (one with Down Syndrome). We know now that the child has had a wonderful upbringing and has all the advantages of an upperclass life. She really doesn't understand (or doesn't want to) about adoption. She feels we just gave her away with no thought to the consequences. Our hearts were broken and have never healed. She came back into our lives at age 23 yrs. which we hoped would give us all some peace from the turbulence of our thoughts over the preceding years. While I have reached out to her she comes back spewing only vitriol and venom. She refuses to see the big picture and seems stuck on given away like trash which is so untrue. I carry a very heavy burden these days.

sclar, your burden is deserved. did your grand-daughter find you? If that is the case your burden is too light, as the adult it was your responsibility to find her!

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Thank you Cello for your kind comments.

Cornsilk you have been through hell and isn't it interesting that your parents also when questioned by you about your adoption accused you of not loving them. If you want to rant please do so I am a great listener.

I've got so much bitterness in me over my adoption I probably need a shrink. I can relate to thiis forum about all the guilt feelings my adoptive parents laid on me while I was younger. I found out I was adopted when I was 10 years old. Heck the whole town knew it but me. When I quized my adopted parents about it they wanted to know didn't I love them as they took me in etc. Makes want to barf now. I'm in my sixties and still doing research on my "real" family. Missed getting together with 8 brothers and sisters as they died before I could find them but I haven't stopped looking for relatives. Had a lot of adjustment problems and linger with me still. Two of my brothers went to the Annie Wittenmyer home in Davenport, Iowa. I have seen the place and kinda wish I had gone there...

Thank you so much under construction it is so nice to be heard, to have someone understand what I am on about.

Great post, cello. I totally agree with you. I am adopted myself so I relate to everything you wrote in your story. I have posted about my own adoption here on this site, several times, and I have found writing about it has been helpful and rather therapeutic. I too, think those comments about us being so lucky and having to be eternally grateful to those who adopted us are rather condescending and hurtful. I acknowledge what my parents did, but I donĀ“t see it as a favour they were doing to me . They were raising a daughter they both chose to adopt , it wasnt a charity of sorts. When you hear these type of comments you realize the taboo about adoption sadly still remains.

First, you have a right to be angry, but do not say that people who adopt have issues. I was 19 years old when I had my 1st miscarriage and the doctor who performed the DNC messed me up good, I went to an OB/GYN and was told that I will never be able to have any children. I was devastated to learn that my ability to have any children of my own was taken away. I would give my left arm and leg to have 1 child of my own, but I can't. So, if I were given the opportunity to adopt, I would do it and give that child everything I had to make sure that he or she were happy and content.<br />
Whoever hurt you should not breathe the same air as we do and I hope that you get the justice you want and the peace you deserve.