Some Say Admitting There Is A Problem, Is The First Step To Recovery...

Finally, I am admitting to it. I haven't been "officially" diagnosed, but it's pretty obvious.

It all started when I was like 12, when a babysitter told me I was overweight. Instantly, the cycle started. I had always been taught that being "fat" was a bad thing, and now... here I was... FAT.

I started restricting foods, and while it was torture...especially for a social 12 year old, it felt like heaven at the same time. I felt so light, and I was losing weight quick. I went from 120 to 108 in a matter of two weeks maybe. I got braces around this time, so that helped. You can't eat, because you're mouth hurts so bad. I remember restricting myself to almost only 500 calories a day.


Breakfast: one small bowl of raisin bran cereal, a little 2% milk.

Lunch: half of a ham&cheese sandwich on white bread

Dinner: 1 lean pocket, or a very tiny salad. 


** I wouldn't even allow myself to have no-calorie flavored water or gum, I would only drink regular water. 

I was so strict on myself, and I would go to bed practically begging my stomach to stop growling and hurting.


But i'd wake up feeling amazing. Boys were showing me attention, and I felt so gorgeous. Then one day, I decided to just stop eating. That day I drank one diet coke, and when I got home... I almost passed out. My vision got blurry, and I felt like I was bottoming out. I reached for anything, not thinking straight, knowing that what I was feeling was emaciation. Then the big guilt flooded over me. I layed there for a while, after my mini-binge, trying to feel better about myself. I felt like I had failed. 


It was then, that I learned how to purge. I had seen it in movies, but never thought to try it. But, here it was... I could eat all the food that I wanted and purge it, and it was like it had never happened.


From then on, I gained a massive amount of weight. My senior year of highschool, I ballooned to 145 pounds. I am quite short too, like 5'4. So, I was pretty thick.


I entered my freshman year of college (age 18) that same weight. The stress of the new environment caused me to lose some weight, and so did a stomach flu or two. I also started eating healthier, and drinking slim-fast. Before my boyfriend got home from deployment, I had shrunk to 120 pounds... and when we broke up, I slimmed down to 115. I was happy with myself then, I felt pretty.


Now, I am 20 years old. I am 125 pounds, and I just want to be happy with my body. I've just finished a 3 day binge, and I have purged it up. I have eaten copious amounts of horrible foods, and I can feel it all over my body. Pulling at me. I feel so sick and bloated. I just want to be able to eat normally, and see in the mirror what everyone else sees, but I can't.


I was molested when I was 5, and I heard that that can trigger eating disorders as well. I have always felt the need to control something, and I found that in food. I could control what was happening to my body finally. My mom has problems with alcohol, and I always felt like I was skating on thin ice. Like I could never trust her to keep my head above water. I still have controlling tendencies, and it's caused a break-up or two.


I don't know what to do. I just want to stop being sick. I just want perfection. I just want to be 108 pounds again.     pro