Anorexia Recovery Help and Binging

It all started last spring in April. Freshman in highschool, 15 year old me not a care for the world. I was chubby, about 138 pounds for a 5"3 heighten girl. I started to become very insecure about my weight, so I went on a diet. Soon 138 went to 125, 125 went to 120, and by the beginning of summer I was 118 pounds. I would walk, every single day. I loved walking, and would walk for hours and hours. Pounds kept dropping, and all I could feel was happier and happier. When school started back up I was 110, and everyone was amazed with my transformation. But that wasn't enough. I wasn't skinny enough, I thought. I kept losing weight, all the way down to 95. My parents began to question my eating habits. I would eat the same thing every single day for dinner and never ate what they ate. I would measure my banana's to know how many calories they were, and I could tell you the calories on any food because I memorized food labels. I was addicted to food; it was all I could ever think about. I would lie to my friends, "I ate already." "I don't like those." "My stomach hurts." "I'm not hungry." I avoided food like the plague, and sooner and later I started avoiding my friends all together. My mom caught me staring at myself in the mirror the other day before I got into the shower, and she couldn't believe her eyes. The bones were pretruding from my body, she said that I looked like I was dying, that I had the body of an old lady. Argument after argument, I finally agreed to gain weight. My friends and family were worried about me and I could'nt fit in any of my clothes so I didn't have a choice. First 3 days of recovery, I binged on food like you couldn't believe. I would eat over 5,000 calories in one sitting. I couldn't stop myself, even after I could barely eat I still ate. I felt so disgusted with myself, that I went to go purge. I stuck the fingers down my throat, but it didn't work. All I could do was cough, and nothing came out. I felt disgusting and I felt like a failure, a pig. A fat pig. But then I remind myself that I need this, I need this recovery. This food will save my life. But then I think, what life? What life do I even have anymore? All I think about is food. I hide and shun myself away from anyone anymore, and all I think about is how disgusting my body is, how fat I am. How disgusting and appalling it is that I can barely control what I eat anymore. Before you could have set my favorite foods in front of me, cheesecake, chinese food, ribs. And I would deny them, I would turn them away. I felt so smart, so strong and in control. But now I feel as if I lost all control, and all I can do is eat. My weight shot up to 95 to 102 already, and its only my 3rd day of recovery. I binged 3 times already, and I'm scared. I'm scared of myself. I wish I was still 95 pounds. No, I wish I was 80 pounds. I wish I had my life back. Anorexia took over my life. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who understands.  But this is only the start of my recovery. I will get my life back. I will eat a cookie without thinking about calories. And I will learn to love myself again-but it will take time. Please if anyone is out there, please talk to me. Please someone talk to me about this, help me with this binging. I just want to be healthy. I don't want this anymore. 
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 8, 2013

this is exactly like me. pretty much my life story. im here if you need to talk cos i can't do this anymore either! email me, i need someone to talk to cos i can't admit any of this i hide it and i just miss not caring about food now I'm obsessed its a vicious cycle and it makes me so depressed about myself!!!

Oh chica :(
I'm in a similar predicament. I started recovery almost a week ago, and I've gained almost 11 pounds already! But there are so many things going on in your body during recovery that the number on the scale seriously means jack squat. You have to understand, it's water weight and food weight, and (damn it to hell) BLOATING. The binging is NOT uncommon. I know it sucks, and trust me, I want to go back to restricting so badly. But for what? What will you have when you weight 80 pounds that you don't have now? Because I'm sure when you were 125, you thought 120 would make you happy. And when you were 120, you thought 110 would make you happy. The thing about Ana is that she never lets it stop. And if you relapse back into restricting, recovery is going to be double difficult the next time.
Read this. Right now.
I have read it at least 3 times in the past 4 days. Page through that blog too, it's the best one I've found.

hi X) i understand what you are going through !!!
i am 14 and am trying to recover from my ED
one and a half years ago i was 155lb over weight and unhappy, so i went on a diet lost 5lb in 2month go angry and cut out dinner and i was eating about 800cals a day. until i got to 120lb i was skinny(had muscley legs) and started eating more. but binging happened X( i would calculate and starveexercise the calories off. 6months of doing this it would lead to extremes i lost 10-12lb of muscle from over exercising and stuff. i know i am not underweight or anthing but m mother noticed and took me into therapy. i have to eat more because i have no period or circulation but everytime i eat more i end up binging x( and i dont have normal binges, mine last 1-3 days and can consume 14k calories easy X( feeling horrible i eat barely anthing and exercise my socks off!! XD i understand how you feel though - i hate back fat i hate how i can grab it , i liked it when i had none and could see my ribs. now i feel like a lonely disgustingly fat pig who avoids company because is to afraid of being judged. just hang in there once you start eating normally your body will stop craving and well binging and you will return to a happy weight- it may to be your lowest weight but you will feel skinny and be skinny, happy and with your friends!