Anorexia And Binge Eating Please Help

It all started last spring in April. Freshman in highschool, 15 year old me not a care for the world. I was chubby, about 138 pounds for a 5"3 heighten girl. I started to become very insecure about my weight, so I went on a diet. Soon 138 went to 125, 125 went to 120, and by the beginning of summer I was 118 pounds. I would walk, every single day. I loved walking, and would walk for hours and hours. Pounds kept dropping, and all I could feel was happier and happier. When school started back up I was 110, and everyone was amazed with my transformation. But that wasn't enough. I wasn't skinny enough, I thought. I kept losing weight, all the way down to 95. My parents began to question my eating habits. I would eat the same thing every single day for dinner and never ate what they ate. I would measure my banana's to know how many calories they were, and I could tell you the calories on any food because I memorized food labels. I was addicted to food; it was all I could ever think about. I would lie to my friends, "I ate already." "I don't like those." "My stomach hurts." "I'm not hungry." I avoided food like the plague, and sooner and later I started avoiding my friends all together. My mom caught me staring at myself in the mirror the other day before I got into the shower, and she couldn't believe her eyes. The bones were pretruding from my body, she said that I looked like I was dying, that I had the body of an old lady. Argument after argument, I finally agreed to gain weight. My friends and family were worried about me and I could'nt fit in any of my clothes so I didn't have a choice. First 3 days of recovery, I binged on food like you couldn't believe. I would eat over 5,000 calories in one sitting. I couldn't stop myself, even after I could barely eat I still ate. I felt so disgusted with myself, that I went to go purge. I stuck the fingers down my throat, but it didn't work. All I could do was cough, and nothing came out. I felt disgusting and I felt like a failure, a pig. A fat pig. But then I remind myself that I need this, I need this recovery. This food will save my life. But then I think, what life? What life do I even have anymore? All I think about is food. I hide and shun myself away from anyone anymore, and all I think about is how disgusting my body is, how fat I am. How disgusting and appalling it is that I can barely control what I eat anymore. Before you could have set my favorite foods in front of me, cheesecake, chinese food, ribs. And I would deny them, I would turn them away. I felt so smart, so strong and in control. But now I feel as if I lost all control, and all I can do is eat. My weight shot up to 95 to 102 already, and its only my 3rd day of recovery. I binged 3 times already, and I'm scared. I'm scared of myself. I wish I was still 95 pounds. No, I wish I was 80 pounds. I wish I had my life back. Anorexia took over my life. I just want someone to talk to. Someone who understands. But this is only the start of my recovery. I will get my life back. I will eat a cookie without thinking about calories. And I will learn to love myself again-but it will take time. Please if anyone is out there, please talk to me. Please someone talk to me about this, help me with this binging. I just want to be healthy. I don't want this anymore.
ImperfectFool ImperfectFool
18-21, F
3 Responses Jan 8, 2013

Everything written in this story, is word for word the definition of me. I measured my bananas as well. And I dropped from 135 to 95. I feel like we need to talk some time, because I'm just as alone as you are on this and I'm sick of myself. I need someone's help and I'm done

I know how you feel, I've been through the whole being underweight after being "chubby" and then questioning from friends and family, and under all that pressure, I started cracking, craving for bread, carbs, all my 'no go' foods that I banned during my anorexic stages. I felt like I "failed" at anorexia, I thought I had the will power and the discipline to sustain it throughout my life and just be 'skinny'. I too, was so confused when I started binging, but it's gonna be alright, dear, especially if you're in recovery with a specialist on eating disorders (not sure if you specified if you do have a specialist, just throwing it out there). Getting help is hard (I struggle with getting external help with my eating disorder) but my best friend got inpatient help, and said it was the best thing that she's ever done and she wished she did it earlier on and "nipped it in the bud" as she would cheerily put. It'll take time to get the psychological part of the eating disorder to heal, but in time, if you keep on fighting, there will be a light at the end, and you'll be there and basking in its glory! You've got this, girl! Just keep going:) xxxxx

When you think of yourself as a "fat pig," that isn't you talking. When you ask yourself, "what life?" that isn't you talking, either. It's your eating disorder. Out of love and respect for yourself (your WELL self--not the self that is sick), you must learn to differentiate ED thoughts from thoughts that belong to the real, living, breathing, and beautiful you.

This is how I tell people to think about it (I have a past with anorexia, as well): if you were sitting in a crowded room, with lots of average-sized people, absolutely no one would look at you and guess that you consider yourself to have a "problem with your weight." They would see a beautiful, thin girl -- unless you were too thin, in which case they would see a sick girl. You can bet that the last thing that anyone is thinking is that you are a "fat pig," that you like food too much, etc. It is counterintuitive, but now is the time to trust how other people interpret your behavior over how you interpret your own. Your own thoughts are being polluted by ED.

Last thing-- you said "I wish I was 80 pounds. I wish I had my life back." If you are 5'3'' and 80 lbs, you have officially lost all autonomy, and your eating disorder has won. Someone who is dying of cancer has not "won" if the cancer spreads to other parts of their body. Similarly, if you allow this disease to drive you down to 80 lbs, you have lost. If, on the other hand, you recognize that you are beautiful, and you can defeat the part of you that does not want to get well, you are empowered. I don't know if you are still 5'3'' and 102 lbs; personally, I hope that you have allowed yourself to become even healthier since you wrote this. When you do that, you will begin to glow.