I Guess I Just Miss Him...

My boyfriend will be gone 7 months in total.

Not much over a year ago I despised the army. Well, maybe despised is too harsh a word. I did not agree with it. I still don`t agree with what is happening in Afghanistan. I never considered it a possibility I would end up with a soldier, and that he would leave me to go overseas, and that I would care enough to wait for him. What a blur.

Here I am. sitting alone in my house. I have a week off from school which at first I welcomed. With my roommates out of town however, I feel lonely mostly.

My choice of books maybe was not the best given my sad mood. I just read The Lovely Bones. Now that is a sad book.

I also chose to look on facebook for memorial pages about the latest soldier lost, and then watch the repatriation ceremony on ctv.ca.

Those are both really bad for someone who is trying to get through the day.

But what can you do when you are home alone?

This might sound pathetic, but I m scared to leave because at any moment he could com online. I haven`t heard from him in about a week, but it feels like eternity. Every moment I am not talking with him, I have this horrible thought lingering in the back of my mind ...the `what if`question. What would I do if he died?

It is depressing spending everyday wishing and hoping that the one you care about just survives the day. Not hearing from him makes it harder. I do not know everything that is going on in his day. I can`t think to myself, `oh hey, it is 12 pm he must be working right now`and then `now it is 6 pm, his shift is over, he is probably going to work out and then eat some dinner `. That is the worst part. I have no clue when he is in a dangerous situation, and when he is safe. One time his base was attacked, and I had no clue. I was sitting at my friend`s house studying calculus while men 30 feet away from him died.

I don`t care how anyone feels about the army. Those are human beings that die there everyday. People with families who love them, and fear the worst everyday. People with dreams, and plans for when they come home. Young boys who have a lot of growing up to do, even if they are convinced they are men.

Now I sound really cliche.

Should I really worry about sounding cliche now? He has been there 4 months and has 3 to go. I am not sure how much more my heart can take.

I think I am ready for school to start again. For my sanity.

I need so much support right now, distractions really, and no one seems to understand how hard this is for me.

I guess I need to man up.

bacampbe bacampbe
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 16, 2010

ok girl im really not going to try to sound mean or harsh here but some of the things you are doing you are making this way harder on yourself...first off STOP THINKING NEGATIVE...this is the worst thing you can do he needs you to be strong and supportive to help him carry on through his days and the last thing he needs is to be worried about you because of the way he heard you on the phone, secondly do not read anything further on casualities and dont watch the news i made the mistake of doing this for awhile and forced myself to quit it was just making deployment harder, of course it hard and with them gone and in a war zone isnt anything any of us want our men to have to go through, but they made the choice to enlist and knew there was a possiblity for deployment and if they didnt want that risk they woudnt be in the army today let alone deployed, they are doing what they feel is right for themselves and yes its not a happy place but they have a sense of prided in doing what they are meant to do for their country and you need to carry thay pride for your man just as much. they are not always out there in danger zones they are in the wire doing maintance, qr and f which is on call missions, they do get days off to recoup too .. think positive or this deployment is going to crush you and you have to stand strong and keep that head up <br />
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if you need to talk im here good luck

Hello. I know exactly how you feel. Minus my booyfriends leave he has now been over there for 6 mnoths and he has 6 months remaining. H wont be home until August. I unfortunately do not go to school so i have nothing to keep me preoccupied while hes away, so i worry alot. im always worrying about whether or not hes alive or dea, the worst part is when i dont get to talk to him or see him online cause im like, omg?!?is he okay??? so yeah i know wher youre coming form. i too hate not being home cause i never want to miss a phone call or miss iming him when he gets online. However as much as we dont like it they want us to live our lives while they are gone. So go out with friends and do something for you. i realize its hard cause i personally hate going out cause i figure if hes not having fun why should i? but he always tels me he doesnt want me home being deprssed al lthe time cause hes away. it makes him feel better to know im doing okay and feeling better about the whole thing. and i get where youre coming from. i havent talked to my boyfriend since before valentines. We Imed for about a minute on facebook but other then that i hadnt talked to him since a week prior. so pretty much in a width span of two weeks ive only talked to him once. Valentines day was especially hard not hearing from him but we gotta realize it wont always be like this.. we just gotta stay strong for our men and be proud and stick by them and pray theyll be alright. Ive learned worrying alot will only makes matters worse. Be strong girl, for your man is army strong. It takes a strong man to be a soldier, but a strong WOMAN to love them =D You can do it girl. you only have a few more months left. Just stay positive. and dont watch the news too much i learned doing that just makes me worry even more. <br />
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Im her eif you need anyone to talk to :)<br />
I hope i helped in some way<br />
hit me up on message if you want to talk on myspace or facebook k :)