A Metaphor....I feel like an old dam on a lake.
The lake water represents the creative force that dwells within me and all around me. My body is the dam that is holding that back. It's like my body is a gateway or a portal or a door for the creative forces of the universe, but at times it feels like it's a hinderance or it blocks what needs to come out. Sometimes I'm lazy, other times I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to sit and do nothing and I hate that cause what "I" want isn't that important.
The water exerts pressure on me and sometimes forces it's way out, but I feel like it's not directed. It's like I'm a water balloon that's being inflated too much and I'm stretching out and becoming thin. If I don't release this creative force it'll just fill me up till I explode into a useless mess.
To avoid that, the dam just springs leaks every so often. Some water shooting out this way, some other water shooting out another way. It's rarely channeled and it seems to have a mind of it's own. I feel like a tool to be used for someone else's purpose. I feel like the creative forces are using me to find release and it's own purposes, but I want to 'use' that force for my own good.
I need to open a flood gate and direct all that powerful potential energy towards one goal. One subject, one concept or idea. Or at the very least, in one direction. Right now, the water is shooting in every direction and doing nothing productive. A little bit of this here, some of that there.... it's just so haphazard and random. Like a dyke that is springing small leaks.
This is mainly displayed through my life choices and actions. Everyone is an artist and their canvas is their own lives. No one sees this or wants to hear it, but we create our own reality everyday. Some people have a life where this one action led to this which which led to that. Everything is like a stepping stone. Their life is like a story. Example: I went to college to study film. Then I got a job as an intern on a TV set, then I got a job as an assistant director, that let me meet so and so and now I'm producing movies like I always wanted to.
That is the exact opposite of how my life flows. I feel like my life has just been one random event to the next without a central theme or a plot to pull it along. I don't do things that take me to where I want to go. I just do what I do and end up where I am. But if I could properly control this force that's pushing out from the insides of me, I feel like my life would be better. I could possibly build something instead of always starting fresh all the time.
Back in February I wrote a kids book. During that month I was a controlled flow of creativity. The creative water was flowing full force. It was channeled and released right where I wanted it to go. And it was powerful and successful. I need to do this more often.... but it's a challenge and hard for me to sustain on daily basis.
Maybe I'm trying to control things to much. Maybe I'm not controlling enough. Whatever it is, it's frustrating to me and it drives me crazy and makes me feel ways that I can't describe with the words I know.