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A Metaphor....

I feel like an old dam on a lake.

The lake water represents the creative force that dwells within me and all around me. My body is the dam that is holding that back. It's like my body is a gateway or a portal or a door for the creative forces of the universe, but at times it feels like it's a hinderance or it blocks what needs to come out. Sometimes I'm lazy, other times I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to sit and do nothing and I hate that cause what "I" want isn't that important.

The water exerts pressure on me and sometimes forces it's way out, but I feel like it's not directed. It's like I'm a water balloon that's being inflated too much and I'm stretching out and becoming thin. If I don't release this creative force it'll just fill me up till I explode into a useless mess.

To avoid that, the dam just springs leaks every so often. Some water shooting out this way, some other water shooting out another way. It's rarely channeled and it seems to have a mind of it's own. I feel like a tool to be used for someone else's purpose. I feel like the creative forces are using me to find release and it's own purposes, but I want to 'use' that force for my own good.

I need to open a flood gate and direct all that powerful potential energy towards one goal. One subject, one concept or idea. Or at the very least, in one direction. Right now, the water is shooting in every direction and doing nothing productive. A little bit of this here, some of that there.... it's just so haphazard and random. Like a dyke that is springing small leaks.

This is mainly displayed through my life choices and actions. Everyone is an artist and their canvas is their own lives. No one sees this or wants to hear it, but we create our own reality everyday. Some people have a life where this one action led to this which which led to that. Everything is like a stepping stone. Their life is like a story. Example: I went to college to study film. Then I got a job as an intern on a TV set, then I got a job as an assistant director, that let me meet so and so and now I'm producing movies like I always wanted to.

That is the exact opposite of how my life flows. I feel like my life has just been one random event to the next without a central theme or a plot to pull it along. I don't do things that take me to where I want to go. I just do what I do and end up where I am. But if I could properly control this force that's pushing out from the insides of me, I feel like my life would be better. I could possibly build something instead of always starting fresh all the time.

Back in February I wrote a kids book. During that month I was a controlled flow of creativity. The creative water was flowing full force. It was channeled and released right where I wanted it to go. And it was powerful and successful. I need to do this more often.... but it's a challenge and hard for me to sustain on daily basis.

Maybe I'm trying to control things to much. Maybe I'm not controlling enough. Whatever it is, it's frustrating to me and it drives me crazy and makes me feel ways that I can't describe with the words I know.
Hermey Hermey 36-40, M 5 Responses May 19, 2012

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'Everyone is an artist and their canvas is their own lives.'

I love the idea of this, but not sure how true it is.

Last night I watched the film, Shake Hands with the Devil: The Journey of Roméo Dallaire. It shook me to the core for so many reasons.

It was not life choices and actions of the maimed and dead Rwandans that caused the genocide. Nor was it the actions of the Lieutenant.

I realise that this is extreme, but am making the point to try and understand things better myself.

Everyone would enjoy to turn a blank canvas into the most beautiful scene.

But not everyone gets this opportunity.

I see your point. I also see that each has been painting his canvas for lots of lives.

I would very much like to believe that this is true

well not everyone starts out with a 'blank canvas'. Some people are given crappy canvases to start with. Ripped, torn and soiled. It's not fair and the worst part about it is many times it's caused by the greed of other humans.

I think that is what I was trying to say

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That was beautifully articulated.

thanks. I'm glad you thought so. It's not always easy for me to articulate my thoughts and feelings like this.

We all have our moments, right? Thankfully you wrote it down so we could all read it.

I guess you're right. I wouldn't have kept it up, but a friend asked me not to delete the story. But it actually makes me feel weird having these personal thoughts all out in the open and what not.

This is by far my favorite of your stories...it is personal...it is deep...your frustration is felt. Thank you for a peek into your heart, mind , and soul. Ahhhhh.....these bodies DO get in the way sometimes.... This too shall pass....great job!

Thanks.... it is personal, too personal for my tastes, but anonymity is nice, so it got posted.

Hmmm...this brings tears to my eyes....

His words are poignant and powerful...

I knew you would write soon and here it is...I understand what you are feeling and saying. It is time for another chat, dearheart. Whenever you are ready...You are frustrated and so you should be...Let me listen. I am that river...Remember? I always want the best for you. Artists are unique...I know everyone says this. But you are aware of your talents...Thank you for this posting. It is about time...