I Don't Believe In God Now, But This Is New To Me..Recently I've gone through a mental transition. You see, up until a few months ago, I believed in "God". As a child, I went to church with my parents, I participated in Summer Bible Camps, and I would pray. I lost my faith long ago, but never lost my belief in a higher power. Three years ago, I became a "Born again Christian", but I can see now that I was just grasping at straws. I've been through many dark struggles, only to come out the other side, beaten. I prayed to God everyday to help me in my life. I asked for simple things like understanding, guidance, strength. I've been going through some financial hardships for some time now (I've been unemployed for almost 2 years. It sucks!) and my marriage was on the rocks (I am now divorced). I prayed with all my might for God to just lend a tiny bit of assistance. It never happened.
I went to various websites seeking answers. Religion is great about laying on the guilt, and for a time, I thought something was wrong with me. At that time I had dropped the Christian label, and had started referring to my belief status as "Agnostic." Yet another desperate attempt to believe in a higher power. But in all honesty, I grew sick of all the various explanations about God.
"His ways are not our ways"
"God works in mysterious ways"
"God only creates good" (But they can't explain why, if this is so, Satan and evil came to be a part of the Christian mythology)
"God always answers, but not always in the way you want him too"
"You must have faith and serve Him, and do his bidding"
Blah, blah, blah. The list goes on and on. I think it was because of these explanations that it all just started sounding like a cult, where a bunch of slaves serve one master. These Christians claim they would happily eat fecal droppings if commanded by God. Except God isn't talking. It's the figure heads of religion that are.
Over the last few months, I realized that I can no longer pretend that there is this all knowing, all powerful being. However, years of belief is hard to erase, and I find myself praying, only to get frustrated again when... surprise, surprise... nothing happens.
I know that I don't really believe in God anymore, but I don't know who to talk to about this. I've no friends, and few aquaintances, and I just feel so isolated and alone. I've put all my faith in a non-exsistent being rather that putting it into myself, and now I'm at a dead end, led astray by the false teachings of Christianity.
Dragonhermit 36-40, M 9 Responses 3 Jul 29, 2010