From Christian To Reality

I was a pretty committed christian up until a year and a half ago - now I am agnostic. I was reading the bible one day until the question of what is truth came out of no where. At this point I could not just throw faith at this as I originally done in the past. This was much deeper and demanded my own individual response.

Once I took the step to respond it changed the whole foundation I had built my life upon with God. Everything had been shaken as I continued to challenge the authority & authenticity of the bible, the divinity of Jesus, and many other doctrines. One of my closest friends was completely shocked when I said I just dunno. I admit at first it was very hard to break from - all the belief systems I had since I was saved. But the more I began to search the more I found uncertainty in what was really true. I don't care to go so far to state for a fact something did or did not exist, but I was not there 2000 years ago to see anything or even further back with the talking snake or parting of the red sea, or the swallowing of a big tuna fish.

The more I weighed reason with faith, the more faith lost out, because it was reasonable at this point to compare that big titted unicorns existed as much as a religious god. Furthermore if something was true why must faith to believe be required? It all sounds like we are all too human. In the midst of the fear of not knowing, must we wear our insecurities on our sleeves and put on hats and capes as a child playing make belief.

I do admit it was nice feeling the fuzzies. But once you find out the fuzzies could be rooted out of nothing more than sheer emotion - its not to say that a god is not connected here, but how do you really know? So instead of playing around with whatever could be, I have settled in my heart that I just don't know.

Thus I live my life in gratitude and contentment whether or not there is god. I live not wondering why I exist, but because I exist how do I dance to the rhythm in the flow of life. I have a very laid back Christian (Thank the Lord! lol) wife whose family is more devout Christian. I've come clean with my previous church, but am in the closet with her family, only for the sake of my wife.

It doesn't bother me much as I know the time will come when I can be completely open. I know that I am honest with myself and my wife and that is what matters for now. I also work for a religious organization, but is mostly apathetic and harmless in the openness or even understanding of faith. Again I leave time to take charge of this course, but mostly I am enjoying and focusing on being freely me!
soliare soliare
26-30, M
May 12, 2012