Losing The Will To LiveI have suffered with severe depression for over a year now due to sexual abuse but I was starting to feel a little better and move. I thought this year was going to be my year where my life will turn around but so far, I have had nothing but more negativity been thrown my way. First, I started having problems with my health where I was suffered with urinary retention. I had to have a catheter put in twice for two weeks each time which is very inconvenient when you're 21 and you're a student. Due to the amount of pain I was in while catheterised, I had to take a lot of time off uni causing me to become very behind with work which worried and stressed me out completely. Luckily, when I got better and was able to come back in, I was seeing my lecturer one to one and she explained what I missed and I managed to catch up fine.
Then, I had a letter to say that I might be kicked out of uni because student finance haven't paid my tuition fees yet and apparently, I am well overdue my payment. I was so furious at student finance, they were meant to have paid to ages ago. At first, they told me they couldn't pay it because of dropping out of my last course but due to my depression and suicidal attempts, I had no choice but to drop out. The police send them a letter proving this which some idiot didn't scan onto my system so no evidence still hasn't been provided. I have had to ask the police to send them another letter, which will take about 4 weeks for student finance to assess. How long are the university going to give me until they kick me out? I am in a complete state of panic, what am I going to do if I get kicked out of university? It's my life and future, it is the only way I can move on with my life and the only way to make me do something with my life. I can't bear the thought of being kicked out.
Everyday I wake up and worry about my finance situation. My student finance is running out fast due to paying me phone bill and various books that I have needed to buy to study my course and I have been frantically looking for a job that I am getting no where with. My next student finance payment is in April but I need to find a job before summer otherwise I am not going to have a penny for months which means I will have to cancel my phone bill and I cannot leave the house. My grandparents can't give me any money because they're pensioners. Luckily, I had a job interview yesterday so hopefully, I will get the job but I cannot help worry.
The other day, I received a phone call from the police saying that my parents have applied for an appeal which will take place in April. I am so worried that their appeal will get accepted and I will have to go through the whole court situation again. I cannot do it again, it was the worst time of my life last time and I don't think I am mentally stable enough to go through with it again. If they don't get their appeal accepted, they sentencing will carry out the next day which I have to prepare for as my dad as been quite ill so he could receive a suspended sentence and basically get away with the whole thing and live back at his own address like nothing has ever happened. I can't stand that thought, the fact that he can live his life happily while I am suffering with depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress all because of him.
Everyday, I wake up worrying. I am losing motivation to do anything, including activities that I used to find fun. I just don't want to do anything, I feel so fatigue, so weak, so unhappy and I have no more energy to do anything. I don't want to die but I am really losing the will to live. Everyday is a massive effort which I can no longer take. I want to be a happy girl who socialises with her mates and can study well at university but I am finding it significantly hard to do just that. I need to see someone about it but I have just been shoved on some waiting list for counselling. What do they expect me to do? Cope with this all on my own? I still haven't gotten over the sexual abuse but nothing is being done about it. I am constantly battling with myself not to drink or take any overdoses. I don't know how long I can take this before I really do do something stupid. I am a complete emotional wreck and cannot live like this any more. I don't know what more I can do. I don't know how much more stress I can take.
Will I ever be happy? Will I ever come out of this?
BeautyOfSuffering 22-25, F 1 Response 0 Mar 18, 2012