Finally, I Know What I Am

I would like to apologize for the rambling nature of this post. Today has been particularly overwhelming.

I've been reading about empaths and it hits so close to home that I can't breathe sometimes. I deal with this ALL THE TIME. It's a physical pulling as well as an emotional and spiritual pulling most of the time, like little hands are pulling at my clothes and pushing me around. Before, it was a gentle tug and I usually saw the point of it, now it simply pushes me to do the opposite of whatever I want to do. I was once told that my spirit was "too open" and I was getting everything instead of just what I needed. I don't know how to fix this. I'm told to "pray for a discerning spirit." So much comes at me at once. I hate walking by people. I "feel" their problems and they make a beeline for me. I feel like I am the last human in a world of vampires, praying that they don't smell that I'm not one of them. Praying that none of them are hungry. When people like this come around me, I literally, I mean LITERALLY feel like they are feeding off me; like something is being sucked out of me. It is kind of like it does when I give blood, but many, many times worse. But when I need someone they suddenly want nothing to do with me. I don't feel like I have friends anymore, I have clients.

Since I've been come aware of what I am, the "little hands" pushing and pulling on me have stopped. When people congregate in my space it's so overwhelming. I rent a house and I have problems with trespassers from the apartments to the right of me, even when they have plenty of space in their area. I'm wondering now if the reason that these people park in front of my home is because of me. My previous rental manager told me that no one ever parked or hung around my home until I moved here. But I don't want to help the trespassers; I don't want them in my lives. They literally nauseate me. Everything about them is unappealing. I feel like I'm covered in dirt every time I encounter one of them. Some of them make me feel like I'm covered in slime. I'm not trying to be mean; I literally feel unclean when I deal with them. I thought I was just good at analyzing people. Sometimes I get so far into someone's head that I can tell you pretty much verbatim what their next actions will be. I was told that i was just a "natural" at analyzing. I've had people I don't know idolize me for no reason, love me for no reason, hate me for no reason, lust after me...everything. I sometimes feel their physical problems (whatever pain or sickness they are feeling...but that is usually in small doses) as well as their emotional and spiritual issues.

I distinctly remember sitting next to someone on a plane and we barely exchanged a sentence but by the end of the flight I knew she was one of the coolest people I've ever met. I was so impressed by her energy that I told her that she was one of the coolest people I ever met. And sometimes I know instantly when a person is going to be a problem. Bullies make a beeline for me, too, even though THEY'VE told me that I'm intimidating. It was like they smelled something on me.

I walk into a room and I know instantly know people that have been gravely hurt; I know all these things before anyone opens their mouths. Animals follow me, too...it completely freaks me out. The articles I've read talk about empaths becoming reclusive. I literally cannot deal with the world right now; it's just too much. I've been keeping up a fake war with my sister because I can't deal with her negative energy. She LOVES spreading it around and dumping it on people. The articles I've read talked about auras being "too far" and serving as a magnet for people that need. They also talked about children being drawn to certain empaths. I've been like the Pied Piper since I hit puberty. I've had children I don't know come to my home and they felt completely comfortable doing so. They walk up to me in stores, babies come to me; it really freaks me out sometimes. I swear, this morning I woke up and I felt fine. In fact, I felt pretty good. I went outside and I saw the truck of this family that owns the apartments to the left of me. They put on a happy face, but the husband is unhappy and the wife feels unfulfilled and very, very bitter. They haven't told me this, but I just know. The husband always tries to talk to me; his young son was drawn to me, too. I don't think the wife wants to be fixed...she's surrounded in that bitterness and it's petrifying her soul. One of their youngest daughters looked at me and I couldn't get inside fast enough. She's really sad; she feels alone and like she doesn't count and I knew that and I had to have been at least 15 feet away from her. I've had people disclose their lives to me for no reason at all...it happens all the time. And today, I've been feeling lethargic, anxious, depressed and like my head is in a fog all at the same time. I look out my door and there are two cars full of people trespassing. All of their crap just came right through my front door. But when they left, I felt better.

And I'm probably doing the same thing to all of you you that they are doing to me you are all empaths. I'm sorry to do that to you.
sbrooks0178 sbrooks0178
31-35
Jul 16, 2010