Aspergers...Sometimes, when I close my eyes at night I am haunted by the faces I have seen over the course of my lifetime. I see painful, contorted faces, I see hatred. But the feature that haunts me most are the eyes. The eyes pierce my soul in a way that I can't describe. When someone looks me in the eyes, I feel they rip the very fabric of my existence. To describe how it feels, it's as if someone is stabbing me in the eye with a knife. This feeling dates back to my earliest memories and it is a feeling I have long since avoided, until now - compassion.
I feel empathy so strong that perhaps it was no surprise that I tried to suppress it. But that road that has led me here left me unable to love another person. People speak of loneliness but they don't understand what it really means. Suppressing my pain for so long had reduced my threshold to pain and as such, I was unable to feel another persons pain. I had forgotten what it felt like to love another and be loved. Trust me when I say that the pain you feel is what makes you whole and should you choose not to feel it (compassion or any emotion for that matter), you will only suffer more.
As for the title of this story, I may or may not have Aspergers but if I do, I can say that I feel empathy VERY strongly and I can only suggest that the reason why I appear the way I do is because I have avoided feeling it for so long. I care more deeply than anyone will ever know.
deleted 26-30 1 Response 5 Feb 9, 2013