I Have To Get A Life Without Quilt

Well as typical here my enabling started when I was young due to being the youngest of 4 and two alcoholic parents. You just learn how to pretend and cover for others mistakes and take care of those who "didn't" take care of themselves.
I walked away from a long marriage due to my ex being a womanizer and liar and no longer wishing to have 5 children rather then the 4 I had. I know this took courage and stamina and I have always done what I needed to do to take care of my kids, maybe to much. My main problem started with my son who took the divorce very hard and it didn't help that my ex used him to try to get us back together. My son shut everyone including me and everything out of his life in order to try to achieve the unachievable. I attempted counsling for us all but he hated it (and I will say the counselor was an idiot and making him think that we were going to the sessions to see if my ex and I could get back together even though I had made it very clear this was not going to happen). My son promsed that if he didn't have to go back he would step up and do what he needed to do so I agreed. Well by then his grades had suffered so much the school decided he had to repeat, this was 5th grade. My son was trying but it was to late for the school year and he pleaded with me to do something so he didn't have to repeat so I went to the school, had a sit down and seeing they knew it was due to a divorce agreed that if my son did well for the first semester they would pass him onto the 6th grade and it happened that he achieved "just enough" that they put him into the 6th grade after his first semester with MY pleadings. I knew in my heart that he should have done much better to achieve this but still went to bat for him and he had a very wise teacher that till this day I can hear his words "by doing this you are showing him that he does not really have to work at receiving his achievments" no truer words were ever spoken and to this day I know this was the beginning of the end. Well my son went on barely passing grades and unknown to me started into hanging with the wrong kids and smoking pot and that is how his life went on. He never held a job for long, always an excuse and who was supporting him ME. He started a relationship and had a baby who supported them ME. There never was a job, landlord or anyone that wasn't always screwing with him and I was there to pick up the pieces. Now I did do tuff love on him I had him move out and he lived in a car and after a couple of months I would start meeting him and giving him "gas" money this was before he started a family. After he started a family then I was always there paying his bills, finding him an apt etc.all for the "grandkids" what else could I do! Well today my son is 40 and he is in prison! He and his girlfriend couldn't make things work and he couldn't "take " another break up so he stabbed her! Thank God she is alive and well and I did not do a thing to help him with the legal process. I finally reached a point where he has to pay for his actions! Well I ended up having his girlfriend and 2 grandkids come live with me in a 1 bedroom apt, out of quilt, need and support but kept pushing and sometimes walking her through programs to make a better life. Today they are in their own affordable apt and I am doing all in my power to encourage her independence(she has some tendencies of my son) and that of my grandkids but find that I am not doing enough for my grandkids to make sure I do not enable them. Whether it is out of quilt or love I tend to give them things they desire without really working hard for them. I will say, they are good kids and do well in school but I am afraid I may ruin them as I did my son. I am also now sending my son monthly allotments with his incarceration so I am back supporting him! I want to stop this behavior and be able to retire, which at this rate I will never be able to do financially. I am trying to find everthing book, internet, groups to try to change myself before I enable any more in our family because as you can see the outcome is not one I would wish on anyone but happens more then we can count.
Thank you for reading!
Enabler but trying my best to change.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 16, 2013