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Even Now

Even now I get upset...
and I know wh ere I want to turn.
Noth ing so proper as tattering myself.
Pile my wish es, watch  me burn.

Even now I want so badly
to let my pain flow out of my skin,
mixing in with  my blood to give me release.
But I can not stop once I begin
My paradox...
As my lifeforce drains,
it takes th e emotions
th at th reaten to seize control.

Even now, I let someone else cut me.
Tie me down and slide a blade across my skin.
I trust you with  a knife more th an I do myself.

Even now I see th e pain on my moth ers face
Sh e barely looks at me as sh e walks away.
Sh e blames h erself; sh e blames th e h ate.
And, wh ere do I turn to relief from h er anguish ?
I turn to th e th ing th at drives h er away
Th e scars th at took so long to h eal
Still torment us everyday
But h ow do you scream in silent fear?

Even now I can see th e scars I inflicted,
Much  more sh allow th an th e one inside.
Even now I feel my lack of selfcontrol,
and even now I h ave to h ide.
From fear of sorts and selfpreservation;
From h ate and morbid degradation.
I can not let th e cutting go.

Even now...
I lose control.
SheCanMakeHellFeelJustLikeHome SheCanMakeHellFeelJustLikeHome 18-21, F Jan 30, 2011

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