Anxiety After

I don't even know why i started cutting in the first place. I think its because whenever i zoned out, I just looked so sad. I kinda wanted to prove that I was strong, that I could do it. I was 16 when I started, and i cut myself for a year. I now have a mutilated body, cant go to the beach, and cant go to a doctor without them knowing, and telling my parents. Now im seventeen, and no one has ever known what I did to myself everyday for a year. Once I finally stopped, my real troubles began. After cutting, I looked back and realized that while cutting, I almost had no emotions. Nothing touched me but the pain. After I took that away, everything came flooding back, and I developed panic attacks. I just felt so awful all the time, it was like the walls were screaming at me. I was afraid I was going crazy, I was severely depressed for months. I just felt so afraid all te time, especially in class. My biggest fear was and is that I would pass out and embarrass myself from fear. I couldn't enjoy things, all I thought was "am I going to freak out today?" Still, I told no one, even when I was in the middle of a silent panic attack, sweating, shaking, imagining all the most horrible things. I had no good thoughts left. The one thing I held onto was that it will be better, "this too shall pass" and crap like that. And you now what? It did work. I started to have good days, then relapse, then good weeks, and relapse, and then i had good months. Soon I hope against hope that I will forget these anxious thoughts, and never have panic again. Its gotten so much better. I look back at what I was when I first stopped, and I am grateful for my tiny moments of happiness I have every day. It gets better once you stop. Its gonna get even better for me. Im gonna keep improving until I never get panic attacks again. Im convinced that Cutting led me to this hell, and I will never do it again.