I Don't Want To Do It

I cut myself the first time when I was about 9. I did it until I was almost 17. I cut my arms, my legs, my ribs, and my chest. The scars are the worst on my arms, chest, and ribs.
For the first few years I hoped that by cutting my chest maybe I would be to disfigured for my father to want to touch me any more. Then I just did it because it made me feel better. Some of the times, especially when cutting my arms, I actually did want to die.
When the physical and sexual abuse stopped I kept doing it because it's like I would shut down and feel nothing at all. There was no joy, no pain, no anger, nothing but numbness. The only way to get my feelings back was to cause myself physical pain.
I still feel the urge at times. Once or twice over the last 15 years I have even cut again. For the most part I don't do it any more, I have other methods of coping. I don't know if they are any healthier. I work out until my muscles hurt almost too much to move, spend time on the punching bag until I can't use my hands. I try writing poetry and letters, playing music, and other forms of expression but they don't always help. I just know that I don't want to do it any more.
lyricaldemise lyricaldemise
41-45, T
2 Responses Sep 16, 2012

Messagee me, please. I could really use some support these days. Though I am sober from this habit for the most part, I think I could really use someone who understands me to help vent and talk about the issues behind the habit and everything to keep it that way.

I have sent you a message. Feel free to contact me at any time. I am always here for someone when they need to talk (I understand the need). I don't ever judge, I don't have the right. Just let me know when you need to talk and I'm there.

I totally understand the need to cut as a means to feel anything. Growing up, I was taught that emotions=weakness. When I went through trauma, my body would try to "hero up" and not admit to anything, becoming numb. I felt alone alot, even with lots of friends, so I had not many places for the emotions to go. I got the idea from a girl at school, and continued because of emptiness. You are not alone.

Thank you.