I started when I was 10. And it just progressed when I got older. I started cutting bad when I was 15/16. I even had my own special cutting serrated knife I would use. I hated my body and life. Cutting and getting high would help the pain. At least that's what I thought. I first started cutting on my left wrist, and mom was suspicious. Then shortly after I was admitted into a nut house for being suicidal. I faked my way out of there and then I got smart about cutting. I moved my cutting from my wrist to my left thigh, where no one would see. And I made deeper bigger cuts just to see all the blood releasing my emotional pain exiting me through the blood. I felt at peace when I did it. And no one knew I was still cutting. I stopped for awhile after I started dating and having sex, because I didn't want guys to thing I was a freak and to see all the bad scars. Of coarse a lot noticed and then I wasn't dating material, just a lay. So I would occasionally cut myself so it would look like a cat scratched me or just a random cut, and no one would know it was self inflicted. I haven't cut for awhile but I still have the urge when I'm stressed or bipolar depressed, especially when I'm angry. I stopped cutting for my fiancé. He gave me reason not to want to end my life or commit self mutilation. I had one recent relapse a month ago. I was paranoid and angry at something and I stabbed my arm. I just told everyone I stabbed myself opening the battery of my cell phone. It's really hard learning how to cope without cutting because that's all I knew to relieve the sadness and anger. But I'm learning and trying everyday to get over this.
UnstableSammi UnstableSammi
22-25, F
Aug 20, 2014