I started when I was 16. I did it once, and promised myself I would never do it again.
But of course, I did.
It was a very dark time of my life. I was just so unhappy. I thought I was worthless, ugly, fat ... Pointless.
My mum had an awful boyfriend. He was vile. And he controlled her, and she was consumed by him. I felt like I didn't have any friends. I was so Unconfident. I couldn't talk to anyone. I just stayed in my room, and listened to Steps and various boybands.
Not long before my 17th birthday, my mum made me join a 'self development' course. It was a 12 week programme designed to help people into work and education. It changed my life. I got worse with my self harm during the course. I met a boy there, who I loved almost instantly. He knew, and he used me. He tried to get me to have sex with him once, but I couldn't do it. I was a Virgin, and so in love with him and I knew he didn't feel anything for me. After that night, he slagged me off to all the boys on the course. His ego was bruised, I expect. My self harm went into over drive.
But luckily I met the most amazing woman. And I drunkenly told her of my self harm. I honestly believe, that if it wasn't for her, I could very well be dead by now. She saved my life. She was always there, whenever I needed her. She encouraged me to go to counselling. She went with me the the place, and say with me while I had my initial meeting.
I saw a counsellor for a year. She told me to tell my friends, and mum. It was then I realised that I did have people who cared. I wrote my mum a letter to tell her, and put it in her bag. She never said anything to me about it, so I looked to see if she had read it, and it was stained with tears. It breaks my heart to think of it.
I started college in 2002, I made wonderful friends and had the best time of my life. Of it wasn't for this wonderful woman, I'd not have my degree in music performance, I'd not have wonderful friends, and wonderful memories.
The last time I hurt myself was January, 2005. Almost 10 years ago. And I am so proud of myself. Sometimes I have been close to doing it again. But I realise, now, that I have so much to live for, so many people that would be devastated if my life returned to that.
I lived in constant fear that someone would notice, it me a very long time to wear short sleeves. I'd always be covered. But now I am not. The last cut I did is very prominent still. And sometimes, I get nervous that someone will ask about it. But the majority of the others are barely visible.
I fear the day my son asks me how I got that scar.
And for him, I promise to NEVER, ever, hurt myself again.
Self harm isn't the answer. It's never the answer. Tell someone who loves you, they will help. There is ALWAYS someone who loves you. Even if you can't see it now, you will one day ....
ImpossibleHeart ImpossibleHeart
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 2, 2014

This actually brought tears to my eyes =X even though I don't know you I am so happy that you have managed to get through such a dark time. And that you got the much needed help that you did! Congratulations on being free from such a burden. I am proud of you :)