The Beginning...

now dont judge me but i started cutting at age 12 becuz i saw my friend do it but as soon as i did it felt so good to me...the sight of the blood running down my arm made me feel so much better. the only thought that would run threw my head was " my heart doesnt hurt as much as my arm now and im goin to bleed all my pain out" now keep in mind i do not do it to kill myself or get attention. i do not go around and show everyone my scars but at the same time i am not ashamed of them and i do not hide them. when i started i was the typical pretty girl had everything goin for me. i was in ballet jazz dance and cheerleading...but my life just dropped one day. i was just another pretty face to all my friends but at home my mom had started to use meth.. she would call my best friends mother at 2 in the mourning and wake me and my brother up and send us over there. and when we did stay home we saw things we should have never seen. then it continued to when i was 14 and i got pregnant....being out all night drinking and drugs at 14 is not a good thing but i was looking to be loved and that man "loved" me....(used) all of this happened to me and i hid it very well till one day i broke and i cut alil to deep. i ended up in the hospital with a bad headache and doctors standing over me wanting to check me into the loony bin....i told them i slipped while running with a knife. next i tried to hang myself but the branch gave out. then i put a gun to my head rdy to end it all i was in so much pain....and i didnt know how i had gotten to what i was...i cocked it back let out a scream and pulled the trigger.....damn firing pin goes out.....i screamed at god asking him wtf he needs me for. then the hard drugs started in my life i was very addicted to cocain. i got clean a yr ago today and i dont plan to go back to that. i have a man that really does love me and loves me, flaws and all. no im not sane and he knows that but he cant help but smile at me when i go into one of my insane fits and i melt everytime. i love my son with all my heart and i do not blame him for any of my problems. i havent always been there for him but he knows if he calls ill come running. i am 21 yrs old now and i am not just another pretty face....

twinni twinni
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 15, 2010

Perhaps god kept you alive because your son needs you…why not?