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I Am An Idiot

I met a guy 3 years ago, i felt like i had known him forever the first time we met - a nice comfortable feeling - not a physical connection, something more mental (i am in my 40's he is 10 yrs older).  Things went on and we became a couple, even though he said he did not love me in that emotional connection way.  I do not believe in soulmates, or that love at first glance. I am more prgamatic in that I believe love is a verb and if the relationship is one based on trust and respect you will choose to love that person each day.  We have never argued over anything like most couples, money, family, friends etc.  The only tension was when he was feeling like that special spark was missing, he wanted to FEEL in love, but he did not care where it came from so long as it was there.  It did not matter to him if the person was a good friend, or lover, he figured he would find out and move on.  Because of my behaviors in my youth I had decided that if I ever found someone who could match my energy level, sexual desires, intelligence, and there was a friendship then I would do everything to make this person know I was choosing to be with him and that he was special to me.  The problem was I never expected the other person to not return my affection.  He loved when i rubbed his feet, cooked and cleaned for him, supported him never critizied him and defended him.  In return he slept with 3 other women, lied until he realized i knew and i was an IDIOT and forgave him even though he did not really apologize! I explained it away that he had been married for over 20 years and was now "playing like heffner".  When he came back from a trip last summer he told me he felt like he was able to fall in love with, he wanted to give me a promise ring (i dont do marriage) etc.  2 mos later he was back to being not so loving.  Wnating to find that missing "feeling".  Now 6 mos later he finally broke off for good. He started seeing another person whom he is not in love with but is "having fun with".  Here is where I am an idiot.  Due to financial and personal concerns I am unable to move from his home yet - i will be leaving the state in about 6 mos, and he wanted us to be friends, which I know we would make better friends than a couple.  He is a decent friend, a lousy boyfriend.  But with this other woman he tells me how he wants to be very honest with her and she knows i am living here.  He want to be a better guy, the guy i thought he was in the begining before i knew he was such a player. My pride and ego are so shattered! Why does he want to be "good" with her but not with me?  I was cool with being a friend with benefits, but he does not want to "cheat" on her! He met her one week after we broke up! However, we still share a bed and I dont care about the sex thing - even though I am the only woman who arouses him without viagra! Before he even slept with this other woman he had to chemical up, yet with me he just gets aroused, even when i am fully clothed.  The funny thing about his arousal is that physically we are not each others type, i am short and stocky and he prefers a more slender figure (which this other woman has) and i prefer beefy men and he is quite scrawny - no biceps at all! He has no clue why his body responds to me as it does but the last 3 years the physical relationship was great, the compatibility was great, there were times of tenderness and openness, but for some reason he always shut down just as he was getting closer to me.  He said he was looking for someone to "make him happY", i told him no one can ever make you happy, you have to be happy with yourself and want to share that happiness.  And that is me, I am a happy person who wants to share her happiness with someone who was so compatible ....I am starting to date and do other activities that gets me away from him, when we are together it is not like we fight, i just have these feelings of being betrayed yet again becuase it seems like he wants to be a better man for others but not for me.

idiot101 idiot101 46-50 Feb 8, 2009

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