Why Do I Always Want the Doom and Gloom?

so Im seeing this fantastic woman, shes funny, smart, sexy, beautiful, shes everything Ive always looked for in a woman all in one tight little package. We both have some baggage, my bags are ALOT heavier than hers, but we are also the best of friends...hopefully we still are after she reads this. Anyway, since we are just simply friends, we are not a couple(long story) she should be free to come and go as she pleases right? Myself also...I should also be allowed to date anyone else should I want to...there in lies my problem, I dont want to date anyone else, and want to spend my every waking moment with her. Shes all I think about, it borders on the obsessive I might say. She has lots of friends, and every time I hear that damn text message ring go off I want to scream...although that depends on my mood I guess. If things are going well for us, we act like a couple in love sometimes, it doesnt bother me at all. But whenever I feel like there is a strain in our relationship (whatever idiotic sceme I cook up in my feeble brain, as I am usually wrong about these things) I just fear the worst and wait for the ball to drop...why do I do this? Why cant I just leave her alone, let her explore her life the way she wants to? If she decides later in life she wants to be with me then great, all my prayers have been answered...if not, then oh well, at least I have many happy memories of our times together. I am trying, I was never a jealous person before...but for some reason with her, I go insane, in my own mind mostly, its a rare occassion when I act jealous in front of her, and I look like an *** when I do...

Its driving me insane! Yes, I want nothing more in life than to be with her, but if I continue this way she will pull away from me, and I dont blame her at all. I hate the way I am sometimes thinking she going to be with another person while Im away because I feel insecure about the way we are progressing at home. Another weird aspect of it all...if she was to just tell me she was having someone over, or if she was going to spend the night with another guy, Id be fine with it...its happened a few times before, and sure I was sad a little, but when I saw her again I was just as in love with her before she left...its like my mind lets me relax, I know she is with another person, instead of thinking she might be with another person? Sounds completely insane right? There is no way she would ever tell me that she was going to spend the night with another man, for fear I would go nuts, and its not like she is even doing it right now either...see!! NUTS! Why am I just playing it in my head that she wants to be with someone else when its not even happening!? I have gotten a little bit better with my psychotic behavior, just a little mind you...Im trying to think of what else to say now, but I just find myself repeating the same inane crap over and over again, she knows I love to make up crap in my head to torture myself, like I feel I am not good enough for her, like there are guys 10 times better than me, funnier, smarter, sexier(god Im a mess), better in bed...but she tells me all the time that Im the best guy shes ever been with...ugh! Why do I torture myself? Please tell me how I can stop this destructive behavior before I do lose her to my being an idiot...

deleted deleted
26-30
Mar 10, 2009