Oldest, Middle, Only

I have been a half sibling all of my life, with no full brothers or sisters. My mother met my dad in a bar after a decade of bad relationships, and wished herself into believing he was divorcing his wife for her, which he led her to believe as well. When she became pregnant with me, he went back to his wife and my older brother and lived a normal life, having my younger brother about three years after I was born. My mom went on to marry an alcoholic ********* and had my two younger sisters. I became my new stepfather's target for about a year before she found out and left. She married another man later on who wasn't the brightest bulb in the shed and we lived in one financial ruin after another for a decade and a half. I bolted as soon as I graduated and have never looked back, except to grieve.

I never met my father or had any contact with he and my brothers until I was 17. I finally met my father after I was married and inquired about my medical history. I met my older brother online when he found me. I had left a voice recording on their voice mail when he was eight, so he knew about me. He is the one who told me I had a younger brother. Long story short, I've met my dad's side of the family and both of my brothers...but it's just weird. I guess I've always had a hole where I felt I never fit in with my half sisters who I grew up with, let alone my half brothers. I try to put on a good face, but I recently told my dad's side of the family I'm pregnant, and the reaction was a bit underwhelming and weird. I just feel like the black sheep, odd duck, and the unwanted intrusion.

I can't shake this feeling of inadequacy and sadness. It goes away for a while, and then I talk to my brother after a long time, and it tears me a new one to hear the distance and the resemblance. It's messed me up for two days this time, so this is why I'm posting.
Evoneh Evoneh
1 Response Dec 15, 2012

I too am illegegitimate. It is a difficult life. A lonely life really. Lonely because nobody understands the pain we have. My dear friend, I belong to JESUS, and have found HE understands my pain. He has walked me through it, and helped me to understand my life and my purpose. Most people have affairs in life, and feel sorry for the straying person (our parents) but do not have compassion for us. We are the brunt of many a joke. It is OK in society to have an affair, just don't bring a child out of it, and when they do it is ha ha ha. People don't know what to say, or how to handle us. Family rejects us etc etc etc. The parents have guilt about us. etc etc etc. The BIBILE says When Your Mother and Father forsake you, I The Lord God, will take you up. We have a special place in the father heart of God. I will pray for you to find God through JESUS. I know I am accepted completely by God. I am 66yrs and HE has never forsaken me. He sticks closer than a brother. He will never leave you or forsake you. The Bible is full of promises for everyone, even you and I, God hasn't forgotten us. Frm Ruth