An Insight Of Personal Reflections

In the past few minutes I’ve cried and done a lot of thinking. I know how that sounds, but don’t worry, I haven’t been crying for me. In actuality, I’ve been crying because of a guy who’s in a lot of pain.

He is not a person I know personally. He is someone who feels as if his heart has been broken, and as if he can’t hold on anymore. I know this doesn’t sound like much to cry about from a secondary view, but I haven’t been so moved in quite some time, since I read Abbadon's story of his fall. I’ve also felt this utter sadness Jeremy is feeling now, and when he was describing it to me, I couldn’t help it; the tears started to fall.

I felt so helpless, like I needed to give him a hug, which of course I couldn’t do, so I lied here, crying for the heartbreak of some boy.

In the instance, I felt like I needed to pray for him, and I did.

I feel so unable, and powerless with things like this. It isn’t Life but the happenstances that corrupt her, at least that’s what I said on my earlier blog post on my tumblr. I think it’s true though. Life is really beyond beautiful. All this pain that exists…it shouldn’t, you know?

It all made me think about angels, and about a many number of other things, too.

I wrote a poem inspired by Jeremy and the voice of Steven Tyler. I want to share it now with everyone:

“My tears fall for a broken heart,
and for a boy who feels it’s all over.
He says he’s lost his princess,
and he can’t take it any longer.

I want to wrap him in my wings,
and tell him I’m from Heaven,
and everything will be alright.
This boy tells me how he’s crying,
and I send a secret prayer.

Jeremy, the angels are on your side.
Yours, and every other heart,
falling on this night.
I understand your pain too well.
But all of this will be alright.

My tears fall for a sad boy’s
and for the irreversibility
of the mood swings of the human heart.

I wish I knew just how to tell you
to offer up your pain.
If only I was Damon or Jessica;
I could glamour this away."

YEAH, trubies and vampirediariesaddicts, there’s some references in there. It isn't good, but it comes from the heart so doesn't have to be *shrugs*; it’s how I really feel inside my heart right now. If I could, I would go to every person who feels broken on this night, and hold them.

In light of things, I want to share a story with you all right now. Something I have never yet shared with anyone here before (minus Anachel). I actually blogged this on my tumblr, and used pieces for a paper I had a write. But here I go:

"For some reason it surprises people when I say that sometimes I can feel quite direction-less. Maybe because I’m always smiling, or speaking to others happily. I seem to strike people as shy or insecure, I always have something to say, and people see me as a very open individual. So when I’m depressed or feeling “blue”, all of a sudden I’m an alien among men. But let me say this:

My name is Alexis, and I’ve felt lost so many times.

Growing up, I had a terrible sense of un belonging and lost identity. Just who was Alexis, and why was she here? I could never answer that question and so I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I had no purpose.

Four years ago, my family and I packed up from Olympia, Washington and settled down here in Utah. It was here that I met an amazing friend. His name is Tyler and he has changed my life. We met in English class. I was the transfer kid, so I had a shell and never said much, but Tyler and his girlfriend of the time where always so welcoming to me. One day, Tyler and I found out we lived by each other. We had missed the bus and I had to walk, yet wasn’t entirely sure of my way around, and Tyler and I accompanied each other. As we were passing by Walgreens Tyler turned to me, “What do you think of Greek mythology?” he asked me. It was such a random question, not too out of the blue because he had asked if he could ask me something before he had. I told him I thought it was cool, but that I didn’t believe that the Gods were real. I was taught we only had one.

He had responded, telling me about his beliefs, and about Greek gods and goddesses and their children . I wasn’t overly impressed-Greek mythology isn’t really my thing—but I listened and I liked what I heard. That night as I was walking him up to his house (he was only five houses away) he told me a secret that changed how I saw things. I didn’t find him crazy, I completely understood.

Tyler is Wiccan, among other things. He believes in Demi-gods—yes, the Percy Jackson kind. His views on life, religion, and higher beings is different because of it. The moment he told me his secret I was introduced to a whole new world. His friends took me in and all of a sudden I was surrounded in spirituality. I was learning things that shed light on my faiths as well as darkness. One day Tyler, Katie, and I were talking amongst ourselves when they told me the real reason why they begun talking to me: They had thought my spiritual energy was the same as theirs. “But it isn’t,” Tyler said. “I’m not sure what it is about who you are.”

So the three of us started researching. Meditation, books…during a discussion Tyler and I had, he had told me that I should look towards God and the angels. So I did. One night I was researching angels when I came upon this story on a site called Experience Project, where a woman described her experience with angels. I was intrigued, but the thought seemed absurd, so I pushed it aside. Months later, I came back to it again, the story. It wasn’t intentional, but the method was the same. So I reread the story. When I had finished I saw a story suggestion for the story written by a woman named Anachel. And I felt captivated. I created an account, replied with all these questions, and she answered them.

Over the course of time, she and I became good friends. While attempting to help me with my spirituality and my struggling thoughts, she introduced me to Abbadon, her other half. Where sometimes her words were only filled with positive aspects of spirituality, he brought the negatives, the consequences. They both provided wisdom and guidance, and sometimes made me feel as if I belonged among them. Anachel and Abbadon, my sister and brother.

But it was such a hard concept to come in terms with. I couldn’t take it seriously.

That sophomore summer, it happened. I hadn’t really tried more research in a couple weeks, and one day in June my friend said something to me I will never forget. I had met this friend before school had got ago a couple weeks before. His name was Josh Lawrence, and he was a very sad guy. One day we were talking and out of the blue he said, “Pray for me.” I didn’t understand at first, but then he elaborated, “You’re an angel, aren’t you? So pray for me.” Overcome by the coincidence, I sat in my kitchen lost in thought and said to myself, Okay. I accept. In that moment I feel as if floodgates were open, because I could no longer push my thoughts aside.

It happens still every once in a while; I’ll doubt myself and then someone will put me in perspective again. For almost three years now, I’ve been working on growing in my spirituality. With help from Abbadon, Anachel, and Tyler I’ve become a better person, and a stronger person in faith and truth. I sometimes feel put in a rut when I feel what I believe being threatened by controversy, but every time I learn something new I feel my mind open just a little bit more, and to me that’s worth it.

I hope to continue growing and being tested in what I believe in. Before, I had never really wanted to fight much for anything. I wouldn’t try to apply myself to understand, simply because I felt so much at a standstill that it didn’t need to matter.

However, now that’s different. I want read, learn, and grow. I want my faith tested and I want to be able to defend what I believe in. Every day I feel eager to become someone new, because it’s this knowledge and discovery that changes me, and I love it."

There you go. The never before read story. Not all of it of course, but enough of it, Haha.

I’m not trying to come off love and light-like, but these are my honest feelings. I've been listening to “Love Lives” and it is sang by Steven Tyler. I love this song as I feel as if the lyrics capture these moments perfectly. I’d like to share a piece of the lyrics too:

"Love gives, and love takes,
Yeah it’ll keep you up in the middle of night
And catch you when you’re falling
Love is, what love makes,
If you let it go it’ll always come back,
When it hears you calling,

Love lifts you up and lets you fly
And makes you think you’ll never die,
And it’s just like livin’ in heaven
And you’ll never ever wanna come down…"

It’s just, sometimes I will look around, and feel so disgusted with what I see. I’ll look up to the Father and ask him why I’m here. I mean, seriously. Why? Because in those moments it seems as if people are so ugly in their hearts, that I don’t think I should save them. That I don’t think they deserve to be saved. I will incredulously ask God, ‘This race is what tore brethren apart?’

Yet at other times I’ll look at people and I’ll see Jeremy; and I’ll feel so moved and touched, that I want to beg God to spare those sufferers. It is also at times like this that I’ll realize that that is why we’re here. For these people, to act as messengers to them, and have God speak to them through us, and tell these people that everything will be okay.

I feel in moments like these, the truth in that thinking. And I think to myself, 'Oh, so that's one of the reasons why we're here after all.'

I know this was really random, but I felt touched, like I said, and felt like this needed to be shared.

Don’t get used to this love-like view! (Aha)


deleted deleted
5 Responses Sep 16, 2012

...when they choose not to look at the bigger picture,
it gives them an escape hole,
if they don't believe in one part,
they can judge the other part that they don't want to believe...

..yes that holds true too, for how can they see the ONE ASPECT CLEARLY if they refuse to accept the whole?! well said! you say they can run away from it after facing it,
but running away isn't really facing it is it?
yet we can give them a starting point or a basis,
and they have a choice to TAKE OFF from that launching point. thank you!!!

What makes people really ugly in their hearts is when they simply cannot face up to themselves,
And can't come clean to themselves!!!!
Then they would constantly seek some form of scapegoat to drop the sh!xt on they aren't willing to face!!!

If they can be honest with themselves,
Then they can stop hurting people...

Sometimes the hardest task God gives us is to make people see themselves to stop their BS!

Good question!!! Well said!!!

Hello Lexi,

When we go to help others the whole world seems to open up and the world becomes a friendlier place.

Thanks for your share, I now have a better feel from where you are coming and going in your life ahead.

Shine on.....

Your story is full of emotion.. And it is your emotion brought on by the struggles of another.. When allowed to happen.. feeling the inner state of another is only part of who and what we all are. I followed this thread because of Jim.. he has very interesting views and comments.. but I was to find yet another young person growing into much wisdom... my complements.

The struggles of another are but the creation of that one.. there for us each to understand that we also have that option.. to struggle as they... but it belongs to them. Your tears were a prelude to what you too can have in your life.. should you make the same choices.