47 Years and I Finally Know What I Am!!!
I have known I was different ever since I noticed that I wasn't alone on this earth. I was different. I didn't crawl for the longest time, instead I rolled to the middle of the room, raised my legs up and slammed them down to turn my body parallel to the direction I wanted to go and then rolled the rest of the way. When I did crawl, I crawled backwards, looking over my shoulder and lining my rear end up with where I wanted to go. I was termed the baby bulldozer by my grandfather, I was like a pup that hasn't figured out that his tail is attached to his body and constantly knocks everything off of every table in the house. I actually was adopted and when I discovered that at the age of 10 I thought that was why I didn't think like anyone else in my family. I have never felt close to anyone in my family and never felt like I had a place to belong until I had my children. I have had an odd life to say the least and been in rather abusive situations since childhood. That does explain a bit of who I am, at least on the surface but not on a deeper level.
I can not meet anyone and not see the inner spark of true goodness, I can not seem to see any badness in anyone. I can not stop loving, and I can not meet anyone for more than 10 minutes and not feel a deep caring for them. (MY ex husband used to tell people that it would do him no good to make a million dollars because I would give it away as fast as he made it... true... he also used to say that if Ted Bundy knocked on our door I would have a muffin and a cup of coffee down his throat before he could slit mine... also true.) I am an extremely caring person, empathetic to point of causing pain to myself, and have been accused of being kind to a fault. Another gem from my X was when he was informing me that he would no longer be married to me, he said, "You'r so good that you make me feel evil in comparison." (I was mad at the time so I told him that if the shoe fits, kick yourself with it!") I do have a temper but my fuse is incredibly long. I am unable to hold a grudge no matter how deserving and will forgive anyone for anything the second I see or hear them again. This includes people who have slept with my husband, stolen my most valued jewelry, beaten or hurt me, anything. I am unable to hate, point blank, unable.
I have been protected throughout my life in some of the most dangerous situations, I live rather well for someone who makes far less than the poverty level, and I do have one full blown, indisputable miracle that the Lord blessed me with.
My eldest daughter was born 10 months after I was told that I would be unable to bear children, my fiance and I prayed that night to have a baby. When she was born she had a massive stoke that destroyed nearly a quarter of her brain. She was completely paralyzed on the left side, even her eyes would not turn to the left. She was bright purple. I was told she would not survive. I went home and yelled at God, picked up my bible and said "YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!" The page opened randomly and the first verse I read said how can anything clean come from the unclean? One of the things I was maddest about was the concept that my newborn was a sinner... no she wasn't she had never done anything let alone any wrong. Upon reading that verse an understanding desended upon me like a cloak and I felt peace. Calling a human a sinner is the same as calling a dog a canine. It's not saying she's bad. I calmed down and asked him again what I should do again. I closed my bible and reopened it to another random page and my eyes settled on a verse where Jesus was talking and he was saying that if you ask for something in his name and believe, with no doubts whatsoever, that you will receive. I did just that and was accused of being too immature to raise a baby with special needs. I told them God didn't give this baby to take her away. Next they said she would live but never be normal and probably never walk or at least not until she was 5 or older, again I told them they were wrong. Nicki came home at 7 weeks. When she was 6 months old her physical therapist said she would no longer be coming out to the house to work with here, I begged her not to give up on my baby and she replied that she couldn't help anyone who didn't have any problems. Joy! At one year Nicki was evaluated and pronouced physically normal and intellectually above average. There is no medical explanation for my daughter. When she was 18 I took her to the neonatal unit where she began her life. A rather young nurse hurried up to us to ask us if we needed help. I did not want to interrupt her work and told her as much stating that I simply wanted to show Nickole where she began. The nurse then asked the question that I heard 10 times a day for that horrible 7 weeks, "How small was your baby?" (Most babies in the unit are premature) I laughed and said, "8 pounds, 13 ounces and 22 inches long!" Then nurse looked confused and asked why she had been there. I told her that Nicki had had a massive stroke. This girl stepped back two steps in awe and whispered, "My God, I've heard of you, your the walking wonder!" I said "Yes she is!" Praise God, Praise Jesus, thank you angels. My child is so normal she was grounded for almost the whole 14th year of her life! She made me a grandmother 7 years ago, again, thank you Lord.
My weight goes up and down, mostly up and am considered pretty. I have never been without suiters and been engaged 12 times, (married once, lived with many.)
I am not in a career that would be considered a professional helper yet I help anyone and everyone that I can in any situation. I am miserable with my profession and believe that is because it is not help/heal oriented. I have the need to be creative, to draw, paint, write, and create. I have not done this in over 20 years. I am going to pick up these things that I put aside many years ago soon, my youngest child is 19 and it is time for a new life, well, almost.
I have always known that I had some type of power, yet it only works without biting me in the butt if it is for the higher purpose of others as well as myself. My karma is so high strung that I will get zapped almost instantly for even thinking a nasty thought that most people can act out all the time. I have always thought that I am held to a higher standard than most because I have received so many gifts. Now I realize that I am just from a different place where these thoughts go against my very nature. I have always known things that many consider to be profound or wise but I was born with that knowledge. Sometimes I just know things, I have a natural ability for herbal healing and herbal mixtures, I am able to read the Tarot. I have seen and felt spirits my entire life.
Now I know what I am, although it was difficult to accept as I felt that I wasn't worthy of being an incarnated angel, I am certainly not perfect, not a virgin, etc. But.. I am in human form and therefore I can not be perfect here! I am learning how to embrace it, I am learning about intentions and plan to utilize this tool... I realize that intending to find love that is true, financial freedom and happiness for Kathy isn't as selfish as it sounds. With these things I will be in a better place to spread love and heal the hearts of all the people God puts in my path. Thats what makes me feel great, healing others hearts and self esteem, healing those wounds that cripple yet can not be seen.
I am so grateful to understand that I am not simply a freak of nature, that there are others like me somewhere and that my "freakishness" is a blessing for myself and for all that I can help. Thank you Doreen Virtue!