Where do you begin?

To start vs a pity party I would rather look at things as neither positive nor negative. It is all just life. High times can be followed deep valleys. Some times you get stuck in mediocrity. Perspective plays a big part in what you feel is actually happening.

I am going to try to make this long story short-ish (will still be long). I was never good with women. While I have been a friend to many (men and women alike) I never managed to assert myself as partner material.

In grade school I was the "misunderstood" type. Teachers liked me but I never manged to make friends. Not to worry because high school was a dream for me. I had lots of friends, played sports, and manged to have those years of bullying and loneliness made up in flash. However, there were no girlfriends or love interests.

In college I really devoted myself to school. I wanted to graduate and do my parents proud. So I had no drunken barely recalled nights, and manged to keep people around me who made life fun if not frustrating at times. I figured once I was out of school and established I would try to build the life I always wanted as a father and husband.

Despite all this hope I got sick in my last year of school. I do not know what happened. I was in pain went to a neurologist many times but I never found out what was wrong. The error of youth meant I had no health insurance and just spent what little I had. With no solution in sight I dropped out of school. It took about a year and half for everything to subside.

In that time I basically shut myself off from the world. I never told any of my friends and I never wanted to tell my family anything. I had a few health issues growing up and the luke warm, "we do not give a ****", response I got made it so I didn't want to discuss this with them. Btw I do not hate them it is just their nature. They are all good hard working people they just never really saw things from my perspective and I constantly tried to correct theirs to no avail.

After that time out of work at home with my mom in my mid twenties I was at a loss, I tried to go back to school but financially it was not an option. I was depressed lonely and through my own actions had no one I ever trusted to confide in.

After the death of my great grandmother I did reestablished contact with my family. While I appreciate it my overall situation did not change. As I looked for work it seemed I couldn't get through the door for an interview. It is a recession so that is understandable.

All this time alone, no job, watching time slip by and without love. I will not lie it is a bit devastating. After 5 years I manged to get my foot in the door but was passed over in the end. I would say the years made me a bit emotionally numb and I considered checking out. However, I heard that story many times and last thing I wanted to do is put anybody through the trouble or pain of dealing with that especially my mother.

So what did I do? I decided to volunteer and as I had been doing over the years try to improve myself further.

I came to the realization recently that the man I always wanted to be is pretty much who I am now without any of the trappings of success. While I am still a loser type guy near 30 at home , I am also much kinder than I was when I was younger. I am less confrontational, less compassionate (due to being emotionally numb for so long) but more understanding.

I do not really remain hopeful. that may sound like a downer but it isn't. Hopefulness has set me up for as much disappointment as anything else. Instead I would like to be resilient in my goal to just keep trying to be better whether it comes to fruition or not. I still have hopes but instead of setting mile markers I need to hit to find happiness I try to just do the best I can where I am. Even if that means not getting everything I want but who does?

My goal in life was to help people. I am in a small way doing that now. I wanted to be a kinder better son. I am now (for the most part). I wanted to be better with family especially gathering and I am. I wanted to be less emotional (I was very emotional as a child). I ma now even if I ma a bit jaded.

While I do not have everything I want I am becoming more and more exactly who I wanted to be. It may sound strange considering I am broke, out of work, and never even had so much as a girlfriend but I am actually much closer than I thought to much of what I wanted.

I do not have any really hopeful words for anybody facing difficulties. I can only say this. In some small part you could probably do something to make someone else feel better. The world can be pretty ****** for all of us but we can find bright spots. From saying hello to someone who goes unrecognized to just smiling. I think even the little actions have a bit of value and we can all do them. I am not saying it will solve your problems but there will always be problems for everyone. Big and little. I learned from some one in my mothers life (before I was born) that even when it is darkest for yourself you can be kind and have a positive impact on someone else. Without that lesson I probably wouldn't be here today.

Thank you for reading . I know it is long. If you skimmed I am not offended. I did too. Try to be good and God bless.
SincereFellow SincereFellow
31-35, M
Aug 26, 2014