The Damned

First of all, please bare with me here, if I am not myself, or if I ramble, make typos,... as I woke up this morning, just sicker than a dog, and feeling like death warmed over. I can just about promise you, with a certainty, that NOONE can just look at you, and tell immediately, that you are an ******/sex abuse survivor. But, I do know how you feel. Before I went through recovery, I felt the exact same way. I even told my husband that I felt like "Hester Pryne", (sp?), in Hawthorn's "Scarlet Letter", only my mark was a scarlet "I". Eventually, that feeling does go away, and you come to realise that no one will know, unless you choose to tell them. And, that choice is always yours. Reveal as little, or as much of your self, as you are comfortable with.

I came to realise eventually, that for me "telling", or sharing my story, was a HUGE trust/boundary issue. I had enough forced on me as a child - damn straight noone was going to force me to "tell", or talk about it, if I didn't want to. I had so much taken away from me, I felt like "my story" was all I had left. It was mine -bought and paid for with blood and tears, and I would choose to share it with whomever I pleased, or not at all.

In a strange sense, "my story" became who I was, for a long time. And, I clung to it, like a child to it's Mother - it was my "pearl of great price". That is how I finally knew that I was getting better - I began to let go, and share my story. At first, it was VERY hard to talk about it. ( My throat would litterally close up, and I would feel as if I were being chocked - as if past threats were reaching out to silence me. ) But, the more I began to talk, the more my nightmarish past began to loose it's grip. ( Today I can talk to anyone about it, and only feel a distant, ambient sadness. )

Eventually, I decided that I was "more than the crimes perpetrated against me as a child", that I was a very complex and integrated being, and wanted to be seen as such. I came to the realization that the abuse need not define who I am as a person. ( The past does not have to define the present, or decide the future. ) What happened to me as a child will always be part of who I am, but I refuse to let it define ma as a human being.

If you become close to someone, it will always be your decision to tell, or not to tell. But, knowing some of what you have been through, can help a partner understand the challenges that they might be facing. And, anyone that you choose to tell, should regard it as a privilege, and an extreme act of trust, to be privy to this knowledge. And, if they do not treat it as such, then they are not worth your time, or effort. You are an adult, now. YOU set the boundaries. You decide who stays, who goes, who gets in, who doesn't, who touches, and who does not.

Adulthood is all about choices, and so is recovery. You live by them, and you die by them. The choices you make today, will help to determine the life you will have tomorrow. Please consider getting into recovery. ( Again, the choice is yours. ) IT IS POSSIBLE TO HEAL FROM THIS, AND HAVE A NORMAL, HAPPY LIFE. I've done it, others have done it, and so can you. It just takes, time, patience, and commitment. If you take that first step, and put forth the effort, the universe WILL move in and fill in the gaps.

That's just how it works. It is not psycho-babble, mumbo-jumbo; it is actually physics. *Nature abhors a "vacuum". You get rid of - make space - create a void - nature/the universe/ healing/("God"? ), will move in, and lend a helping hand. I promise. I've seen it time and time again. Healing has it's own "inertia". Think about. Please?

You know what the 7 years old have died my friend you are not alone. i have built a wall around my heart to protect me from being hurt. Today I can't feel happiness or sadness I am emotionless. But you know what I had enough and I am going through therapy. I have done therapy many times but for some reason I never fully recovered. Tomorrow I am going to start a new therapy and I am determined to move from being like steel to be human again
Good luck my friend and you know what it is your choice let the past control you or make a new future for yourself. In the past you were too young to decide or defent yourself. Today you are a grown up man with choices. So take the right choice for yourself. Deal with your hurt and fear and get over them

man I got no money therapy getting over it honestly it does not controle my life i only think about like once a week but when i do its bad I wrote this story when i was thinking about it and all depressed now i am cool I created my one type of therapy and it invovles ep and other sites i use them to vent

You know think of it this way you might get depressed once a week fair it might seem no big deal to you but tell me would you want to spend that time enjoying life or doing something constructive for yourself. Are you sure your past experience does not block you or stop you from doing things that can help and affect your future.

You might not have money for therapy but i bet you if you go through it you will move on in life and achieve things. I am sure there are community centers you can work with or even if you only see your therapist once or twice a month is better than nothing

Seriously think about it and think about how your past experience is affecting your life and then decide what you gone to do and how.

Damned - Most states, ( you in the U.S? ), do have mental health services, for those that are unable to pay. ( Look up your local "Office of Disability", or "Health and Human Services" for more info. ) Also, some therapists will work on what is called a "sliding-fee scale". Use the internet to check for support groups, ( always free ), in your area, or consider starting one of your own. If all else fails, take a walk down to the local book store, and check out the self-help section. Beverly Engle's "Right To Innocence" is a good one to start with. ((( HUG ))) Hang in there; it WILL get better, but only if you make it.

people just make me sick they choose to
hurt and molest kids my heart gos out to you just diffrent((((hugsss)) i know i seem harsh by what i write in my stories but a suviver of molestion it gives me the currage to speak up and speak out on the cowards that didnt protect the children!

girls can be very trusting and understanding. i think you need to trust that she wont be like the people who molested you.